Most victims of a domestic tyrant do not know that they are in a situation of abuse (domestic violence), because the tyrant husband does not always go to the extent of beatings or gross insults. But assault and rudeness are not the only signs of a domestic tyrant. And it usually doesn’t come to open violence in relationships right away. Before this, years may pass when the victim is already in abuse, without realizing it, but gradually collapsing.
A tyrant husband usually manifests himself almost from the very beginning, even at the stage of courtship. These can be very different manifestations, united only by a single motivation, rooted in the psychological characteristics of the tyrant. To understand its essence, let’s first clarify the non-obvious signs of domestic tyranny - alarm bells, both in the husband’s behavior, and in the state of the victim and the characteristics of the relationship.
Signs of a tyrant husband
A woman living with a man is not always immediately able to recognize the makings of a tyrant. The problem is that she does not value any slight manifestation of despotism, considering it a manifestation of masculinity. But when tyranny reaches outright cruelty, the woman no longer knows how to get out of the current situation. What you should pay attention to, what are the signs of a tyrant husband:
- An oppressive husband tries to put his wife in a dependent position. This applies to both material and moral aspects of life. For example, in principle, a wife cannot have her own budget; she must account for every penny spent, even if this money is earned by her personally.
- The tyrant speaks rudely and disrespectfully about his wife’s friends and relatives. Thus, he puts his wife in a position in which her communication with them is difficult, if not impossible. He limits his wife’s communication with her friends, especially unmarried ones. She must devote all her time exclusively to him.
- The husband constantly finds fault with and ridicules his wife for any reason. We are talking about appearance, makeup, manner of speaking, voice, hairstyle. Criticism also falls on everything a woman does: tasteless food, dirty apartment, not washing her socks on time. If the wife is offended by his jokes addressed to her, then the tyrant husband accuses her of lacking a sense of humor.
- An oppressive husband stoops to outright insults, blames her for all the problems and tries to make her feel guilty for everything, including the mistakes of the man himself, saying that she brought her up, got in her way, distracted her, etc.
- A tyrannical man is the master of his word. He gave it himself and took it back. That is, such a husband rarely keeps his promises. But he expects, or rather even demands, the diametrically opposite from his wife.
- A tyrant husband constantly tries to lower a woman’s self-esteem. Usually husbands of this kind put pressure on the fact that no one needs such a wife except him.
- Often, tyrants have one or several dependencies. We are talking about alcohol, drug or gambling addiction.
- The husband takes out his anger on his wife. At the same time, he really likes to bring a woman to tears and screams, so that later he can accuse her of hysteria and inadequacy.
- A disregard for the interests of the wife, since tyrant husbands do not see in their wife a person worthy of attention and respect. She should live only in the interests of her husband. The tyrant husband will be especially angry and jealous of any of his wife’s successes in work or hobbies. Although in theory he should have supported his wife in her endeavors.
- Groundless jealousy towards all persons of the opposite sex surrounded by the wife at once.
- Assault is an extreme manifestation of tyranny in the family. A tyrant husband considers it normal to push, strangle, or hit his wife. No remorse haunts him. On the contrary, he will also blame his wife for bringing this up every time.
- Systematic humiliation. The tyrant husband constantly shouts that he is the main one in the house, that his wife’s place is somewhere in the kitchen area, and she should only give her voice with his permission. Such moral pressure is constantly exerted. The wife is forced to be afraid to contact him again, so as not to fall under the hot hand.
All this sounds extremely unpleasant and wild, but it occurs in many families. What makes men behave this way with their wives?
conclusions
Once again I want to repeat the idea that the victim has his own tyrant, and the tyrant has his own victim. It's a symbiosis. They get from each other what they lack. Some people are dominated and humiliated, while others have a feeling of guilt and suffering. This is how the human psyche sometimes works strangely. If you feel one of the behavior patterns in yourself, then let’s work through this matter and neutralize the negative behavior. Links to register below.
This article, signs of a tyrant in a relationship, is my opinion and it was formed over 5 years of observing such behavior on the part of my friend. What to do in such a situation, if you find yourself in it, immediately recognize the problem and solve it, do not expect the person to change, this will not happen.
Psychology of a tyrant: why does a man become a tyrant?
As you know, men are the stronger sex. But a truly strong person will never assert himself at the expense of someone who is obviously weaker than him. This leads to the conclusion that the psychology of a despot, tyrannical behavior is associated with the weakness of such a man. Being weak, tyrants begin to oppress and humiliate a woman in order to thus exalt themselves in their own eyes.
Such a desire for power over a companion speaks of serious internal dissatisfaction with life, place and status in society. Therefore, he will achieve unbridled power where he can do it, that is, in the family. This is one of the possible reasons for a man becoming a tyrant. In this case, we are talking about a subjective assessment of one’s place and achievements. For example, a tyrant man is not necessarily poor, unlucky at work, etc. It’s just that his place and achievements do not satisfy his desires, expectations and ambitions.
Psychologists believe that the reasons for male family despotism should be sought in childhood, when a man’s personality was formed. For example, the future tyrant could grow up in similar conditions, so he transfers that model of behavior into his life, because he has never seen another. The opposite situation is also possible, when the boy grew up in frankly hothouse conditions, he was allowed everything. In adult life, such a man simply cannot admit that he is wrong, because he has never been wrong before, this has never been pointed out to him.
Another possible reason for male tyranny may be problems with adaptation at school, unsuccessful first love and similar situations that left a serious mark on the boy’s psyche. Such moments give rise to complexes that live with the boy, and then with the man, for many years and result in tyrannical behavior in the family.
Exit from the “victim-tyrant” program
Although the “victim-tyrant” program is a vicious circle, where one state replaces another, there is still a way out.
For those who want to stop being a “victim” and a “tyrant,” “Pysanka—clarification of relationships” will help.
Stop comparing yourself and your behavior to others:
- I don’t do that. Why does he/she do this? “He did a great job.” Why can't I do this?
And so on. No matter which direction the comparison goes, in any case it will not lead to anything good. A person either humiliates himself - turns into a victim, or humiliates another, turning into a tyrant.
Shift the focus from others and shift attention to yourself and your behavior.
Learn to work with “mirrors and reflections”.
Get out of duality.
Stop dividing the world into black and white / good and bad / right - wrong. Replace duality with a rainbow, where there are many colors, halftones, the world is multifaceted and multi-manifest.
Learn to find and see the good in everything.
Here the “but” principle comes to the rescue: - It’s raining and very cold, but you can wrap yourself in a blanket, drink hot mulled wine/sbiten and read an interesting book/allow yourself to watch a good movie.
— They insulted you on the street or stepped on your foot in transport, and at the same time they also made you rude. But this is a good reason to think about why such a situation happened and to work with the “mirror”. Perhaps you haven’t done any self-analysis for a long time))
How to prevent tyranny?
It is better not to solve any problem, but to try to prevent it. What to do if a guy becomes a tyrant even before marriage? How to see the makings of a tyrant? How to avoid a future life with a despot?
No matter how trivial it may sound, you don’t need to marry the first person you meet, succumbing to the feeling of falling in love. It’s better to live at least a few months together and get to know each other better. This way a woman will be able to see the future model of her family relationship with her husband. If a guy is trying to start completely controlling a girl from dressing up for going out and planning a joint weekend to jealously looking at her phone for every SMS, etc., then the woman should not delude herself that this is guardianship. She is not behind a stone wall; most likely, this is how the makings of tyranny begin to appear.
At these stages, the girl can still position herself in such a way that the guy’s despotism will not manifest itself towards her. A woman should not enter into an open conflict; she should only set some boundaries beyond which a man should not go beyond in his behavior. Otherwise, he must understand that separation awaits him. Also, a girl can manipulate a guy psychologically, showing weakness, but not allowing him to take advantage of it. At the first manifestations of tyranny, a woman can try to put her in her place: scream, start packing her things, etc. The main thing is not to endure and ignore dangerous “calls”. You cannot allow yourself to be humiliated and disrespected.
But if already at the initial stages of a relationship a woman sees bad “symptoms” such as hysterics, limited communication with friends, or even God forbid, pushes or blows, it is better to leave as soon as possible and not hope to change the tyrant, it will only get worse.
Types of family tyranny
Depending on his character, personality and other factors, a despot husband can terrorize his wife using various methods.
Economic tyranny means that the overall budget is under the complete control of the husband. On the one hand, this is logical, because he is the head of the family. But when a woman has to ask for money for every little thing, even hygiene products, while reporting daily on what exactly the money was spent on, this is not the norm in family relationships. At the same time, a woman can earn even more than a man; this does not matter to him.
Controlling tyranny goes beyond the economic and spreads to other areas of life. We are talking about total control of movement, demands for reports on where you have been, instant responses to calls or SMS, scanning of social networks and your wife’s phone.
Psycho-emotional tyranny consists of completely ignoring women's opinions. For a tyrant husband, he simply does not exist. If a woman allows herself to disobey even in some small detail, this leads to a scandal. As for the arguments of a despot in a dispute, it is usually something like “Because I think so,” “My word is law,” “I am in charge here,” etc.
Sexual tyranny continues psycho-emotional, but at the intimate level. Here the woman is used to satisfy needs in the way, when and as much as the spouse deems necessary. Of course, a woman’s opinion, preferences, and most often, her desire are not taken into account.
The tyranny of insult and humiliation lies in the fact that the husband not only does not take into account his wife’s opinion on all issues, but proceeds to outright rudeness and pressure on the woman, even if she listens to him and does not argue.
Physical tyranny consists of assault and beating. It occurs when a tyrant husband is no longer satisfied with previous methods of influencing his wife. At the same time, from time to time the despot will become more and more enraged and inflict more and more serious damage, which entails a risk to health and even life. If such cases begin to enter the system, the relationship cannot be saved. Ideally, in general, if a woman goes to the police, but many victims of tyrants are very afraid of this.
Types of behavior
There are open aggressors. Suppressing the will of loved ones through increased tone, scandals, physical and psychological violence is their strong point. He doesn’t care how or with what help he achieves the victim’s feelings of fear and guilt.
And there are respectable tyrants. All your friends will be touched by how he takes care of his family - in front of others, such aggressors behave exemplary. He is unlikely to raise a hand against you or the children and, most likely, will not start a loud showdown. But they have more than enough ridicule, criticism, sarcasm, disdain and caustic jokes.
Tyrant husband - advice from psychologists
The first question that a woman living with a psychological tyrant husband must answer is whether it makes sense to continue this marriage in principle? There cannot be a single answer here; each woman must decide for herself.
There is no need to judge women for continuing relationships with tyrants. Usually they simply cannot do otherwise. What could be the reason for this behavior of female victims?
Often, tyrant husbands initially marry women with low self-esteem so that they obey them and indulge their whims. Another popular reason for maintaining a marriage is financial dependence on the husband, due to the presence of small children, lack of work, health conditions, etc. There are, of course, purely psychological reasons. For example, a woman may miss the romantic beginnings of a relationship with her husband (and tyrants are very skillful at showing off in the first stages of dating). Or it could be a feeling of guilt that it was because of a woman that a man became like this (this feeling could well have been generated by the tyrant himself). Someone, for example, is simply afraid of being alone and tolerates tyranny. After all, there are women who like the psychology of the tyrant-victim relationship.
If a woman, for some of the above reasons, seeks to maintain the relationship, then the next question arises. What to do if your husband is a tyrant? There are some tips from psychologists on this question:
- There is no point in trying to change a despot husband. This is useless, because despotism is already a serious part of his inner self.
- The most important thing is that you should never ignore or ignore the slightest manifestation of disrespect addressed to you. A woman should not allow violence to happen to her. She must always remember that she is an individual with her own convictions, which her husband must take into account. It is important to realize that the opinion of a despot spouse is only his own opinion, and not the ultimate truth. A woman also has the right to speak out and be heard. For the sake of preserving themselves and their pride, timid girls will have to learn to give a decisive rebuff to any manifestations of violence. If verbal persuasion does not help, you can use a slap in the face. The husband must see that his wife can stand up for herself and her beliefs. Perhaps the man will reconsider his attitude.
- A tyrant husband may try to prohibit communication with relatives and friends. A woman should not follow this whim. Close people should always be present in life if there is such a desire. Relatives will support and help. If cases of domestic violence continue, then in the end you can hide with your relatives and come to your senses.
- There are many centers to help women suffering from domestic violence. Living with a tyrant husband, it is vital to know the location of the nearest one, and also to have in your phone book the number of a helpline or social service.
Do not forget that women are the weaker sex, and negative emotions leave a huge imprint on her. Therefore, there is no need to refuse the opportunity to seek help from a specialist psychologist, for example, Nikita Valerievich Baturin.
Start of a relationship
In order to move on to the signs of a tyrant man, it is necessary to talk about the beginning of a relationship. Men are tyrants, they have some kind of super subtle charm. You will fall head over heels in love and wonder how come I haven’t met such a man before. He is the best, so caring, responsible and so good to be with. I feel like a real woman with him.
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