How to forget your ex-husband after a divorce

Why is it so difficult after a breakup?

The most difficult period for a woman who has separated from a man is the first time. For several days she has been oppressed by thoughts that her husband deceived her, betrayed her, abandoned her. Some women manage to overcome depression quickly and relatively easily. Within a few weeks they return to an active, cheerful attitude.

However, not everyone can recover so quickly. Most often, the ex-wife has a long and painful recovery from a breakup with her lover. She grieves for weeks, months, and is in a depressed emotional state. There are several reasons for this prolonged suffering.

Most often, divorce is not easy for women

Psychological attachment

How long it will take a woman to adapt to new life circumstances is influenced by two factors: how attached she was to her husband and her characteristics.

Character Traits:

Women who are melancholic or choleric experience divorce more difficult than others, since they develop a strong attachment to their chosen one. After parting, they completely concentrate on the misfortune that happened to them. They tend to self-examine, blaming themselves for not saving love, not saving their family.
Sanguine and phlegmatic people are characterized by composure, so they even perceive divorce as a new stage in their own development. They do not make a tragedy out of parting; on the contrary, for them it is the beginning of a new life.

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Energy attachment

A wife can experience not only a psychological attachment to a man, but also an energetic one. This is explained simply: if a man and a woman have the same roof over their heads, they are bound by the bonds of marriage, and the energy field of each is nourished by the love of the other. When spouses divorce, the supply disappears; the abandoned person feels an energetic emptiness within himself, preventing him from overcoming his experiences.

The criticality of the situation arises if it is not possible to move away from thoughts about your husband for a very long time. Suffering can give way to a depressive state, and this is a direct threat to both mental health and life.

If the pain does not go away, consulting a psychologist will help. A qualified specialist will advise you on how to destroy negativity and make life easier not only for yourself, but also for your loved ones. If a person is sucked into negative emotions, he harms both his own internal state and the state of the people around him.

If the pain persists, try seeing a psychologist

A woman's life after the end of a marriage

Psychologists advise not to despair if a breakup does occur. What to do and how to live further after a divorce? It is better to analyze the circumstances and then try to accept everything as a fact that happened. If you think about the past every hour, then who will live here and now? But there is still a bright future ahead!

In no case do you perceive children as a burden in your experiences after a divorce, otherwise you will become depressed and raise your children incorrectly. A child is someone worth waking up for every day. If problems arise, seek support from family, friends or qualified mental health professionals. Don’t avoid communicating with men, because relationships are part of life’s journey.

Five stages of experiencing adversity

Every woman, after breaking up with her beloved spouse, will have to go through five stages of experience:

The first stage is shock and denial. Occurs in the first days after the departure of a spouse or as soon as a woman finds out that he is going to divorce her. It manifests itself in different ways - both numbness and screams. The woman experiences psychological shock and stops having normal contact with loved ones. A full life during this period is replaced by automatic actions, there is no desire to do anything, everything happens as if in a dream. Shock gives way to denial. She begins to think that her husband can still be convinced and returned to the family.
After several days, the initial stage gives way to the second - anger and resentment. Usually they are aimed at the ex-spouse or his new chosen one, if the man filed for divorce because of his love for another woman. Sometimes anger also extends to those whom the wife may consider to be the culprits of the separation. For example, one of her relatives or friends knew that her husband was cheating on her, but did not warn her, or influenced her husband’s decision to divorce. It also seems to her that fate, higher powers, and chance are to blame for what happened.
After the anger subsides, the third stage begins - the woman experiences a feeling of guilt. She constantly scrolls through various options in her head for what could have happened under certain other circumstances or actions. She tries to convince herself that if she had behaved differently, she would not have had to go through this situation. Experiences an irresistible desire to return to the past in order to prevent a divorce. Constantly engages in self-flagellation, blaming herself for her husband’s departure. He falls into an inadequate state and comes up with arguments that have nothing to do with reality.
The fourth stage is accompanied by depression. The woman experiences such severe mental pain that she begins to feel it physically. Severe, prolonged depression can significantly impair mental and physiological health. This period is especially dangerous for any person. If a girl cannot get out of a depressive state for a long time, she cannot do without the help of a psychologist.
The last stage is humility, acceptance of loss. It completes all the processes that the wife has gone through. Emotionally, she gradually calms down and is ready to accept the divorce. The pain recedes and goes away completely over time. A woman begins to live a normal life, plan her future, and develop further. The main indicator of the last stage is that she calmly accepts the divorce from her husband and maintains peace of mind after communicating or meeting with him.

Advice from a psychologist on how to stop loving a beloved man who doesn’t love

What not to do

How to start living after a divorce from your loved one? Being in such a situation, a woman does not control her actions and often clutches at any straw just to return to her usual comfort zone. Delving deeper into the topic: how to survive a divorce from your husband, the psychologist’s advice is based on what, first of all, you shouldn’t do, what you need to keep yourself from.

And the recommendations are as follows:

Don't try to bring back someone who has left. Even if he returns, it will most likely be out of pity or habit. In attempts to win back their spouses, ladies often humiliate themselves, which makes things even worse for themselves. Give up the idea of sharing your pain with him in the hope that he will love you again. There is also no need to return it through manipulation. For example, put pressure on the fact that you are left alone with the child or refer to an imaginary illness. When talking about children, you forget that your child’s psyche is just developing, and it’s dangerous to play with it. And by talking about your illness, you can incur real health problems. In your condition it is not difficult.
Don't rush into a new pool of feelings. Due to the breakup (especially if the reason is a mistress), the wife feels inferior. Sometimes the first priority is the desire to prove to your spouse, as well as to yourself, that you are needed and attractive. As a result, the lady gets carried away by casual relationships, after which she feels dirty and deceived. Or another option - the girl is striving for a new serious relationship. For what? To correct the mistakes that were in the previous marriage. In reality, it happens differently - a person who has not yet realized and is not yet strengthened drags the old model of relationships into a new life with another person. With it, grievances, unresolved conflicts and other “joys” migrate. According to experts, a serious relationship can be started no earlier than a year after breaking up with your ex.
Don't suppress negative feelings. Often, after separating from a husband, changes occur to him. He may become more rude and indifferent. And the reason for this is female behavior. The former passion, hoping for the return of her beloved, does not allow herself negative emotions in his presence, tries to be flexible and good. The spouse, without even thinking about returning, begins to use this for his own purposes. Then claims to property, moral bullying, or even refusal to help children financially arise.
Do not drag your offspring into conflicts. When a woman says: “You have no idea what I went through!”, she often does not know that her child has gone through twice as much. And all because kids tend to blame themselves for the separation of mom and dad. These are the features of their psychology. Besides, when parents separate, they have no time for children's troubles. And this is very wrong. Now the baby needs to feel needed, and not abandoned. And yes, don’t make your child a vest for tears. Thus, you load him with part of your responsibility, which will burden the little man. Do not manipulate or blackmail your spouse with his help. The way parents behave with each other lays the foundation in a small head for an example of future relationships with the opposite sex. Therefore, refrain from insults, from imposing: “don’t do like dad, do like me,” and try to support the baby’s illusion that father is the strongest and bravest person in the world. This may not seem like reality, but rest assured that when your son or daughter grows up, they will draw their own conclusions.
Don't live in the past, live in the present. Not knowing how to come to terms with the situation, a woman often returns to the past and either idealizes it or relives the pain. It’s very bad if two or three years later you are still reviewing wedding photos or, on the contrary, trying to find a way to take revenge for old grievances. If you cannot forgive, then at least let go of the offense. Forgiveness comes when the pain goes away. Try to live here and now. This is the only way to attract a good future.

How to reduce pain after divorce?

The decision to forgive, forget and let go of a man is the final stage of the experience.

If a wife tries to immediately reach this stage, to convince herself that she was able to get rid of thoughts about her spouse, this is self-deception. The desire to avoid painful stages will not eliminate experiences, but will only hide them deep inside. Old grievances and anger can resurface at the wrong time and negatively affect new relationships.

Psychologists' advice on how to forget and let go of your ex-husband begins with giving yourself the opportunity to grieve to your heart's content.

If you are trying to forget your spouse, while the mention of his name alone makes you feel uneasy and you want to cry or come up with a plan for revenge, this reaction can hardly be considered adequate.

Analyze your inner experiences. You can call your girlfriends to support you, or visit a therapist. If you don’t have the opportunity to contact a specialist and you don’t have any friends, use anonymous forums on the Internet. In them you will be able to express yourself to interlocutors who do not know you personally. Remember the words and actions with which your husband offended you, caused pain, but do not forget about the pleasant moments, for example, remember how romantic the first date was or how your husband brought breakfast in bed.

Start drawing up a complete picture of your relationship. Describe how you felt when you were with him, what you were worried about, give a logical assessment at the moment. Probably, the things that annoyed you before will seem sweet and dear, and what made you happy is nothing more than subtle manipulation or deception.

It is necessary to evoke conscious memories in yourself, this way you will discharge the emotional sphere and relieve accumulated tension. You can’t hold back and accumulate emotions inside yourself. The more you close them inside yourself, the longer you remain attached to the situation that happened.

The same technique can be used when you cannot understand how to forget your lover: the fewer accumulated emotions, the faster you will get rid of thoughts.

Stage three. Fill your life with new

From the first stage to the third it can take a month, six months, a year. Don't race your horses, trying to show everyone around you what an iron rod you have inside. But don’t slow yourself down if the very next day after throwing away the sofa, you are ready to fill your world with new impressions.

Life is too short to waste it on diets, greedy men and bad moods. F. Ranevskaya, actress

How to help yourself and not fall apart after a divorce? There is a wonderful article about this that will definitely help you.

Now you are alone, and this loneliness can be scary. But think about it: from now on, you don’t need to iron trainloads of shirts, darn kilograms of socks, prepare bowls of borscht and salads. You are free, you can manage your resources and time as you want. And you don’t need to ask your husband for time off. Warn him. Apologize for unprepared dinner.

You will have a lot of time freed up, and I will tell you what to spend it on:

Fitness. Regular training, in which you overcome your laziness and physical imperfections, will strengthen your character. You will feel like a fighter, ready for any difficulties.
Change of image. Become a brunette (if you were a blonde), get a short haircut, update your wardrobe. Once you see the new you in the reflection, you will no longer want to regret the past. The new image works wonders and pulls the most depressed women out of depression.
Personal care. Cosmetology, haircuts, spa, body wraps, manicure - please, pamper yourself, you deserve it. Now you don’t need to convene a family council to decide where to spend part of the family budget: on your peeling or on your husband’s new shoes. You manage your own money.

Career. It's time to make a breakthrough. Load yourself with work, ask your boss for new challenging tasks. Do everything so that you have no time to regret the past, doubt, feel sorry for yourself.
Self-education. Buy a stack of good books on your field at the bookstore and set a goal to read one a week. Download audiobooks and listen to them in traffic jams and queues. Sign up for courses or a second degree. Success comes to those who do not stop in their development.

Chat with your friends, share with them your fears, experiences and successes. Update your home, make repairs. Now you can paint your bedroom in those crazy pink-purple-lime tones that you liked. Buy bedding to suit your taste and get a dog of the breed that you like. No one else can tell you or advise you; you are the master of your life.

The best cure for despondency is a change of environment. Go on a trip for a month. Or change your area (city, country) of residence.

Want more valuable advice on how to survive a divorce? Watch this video from the famous practical psychologist Nadezhda Mayer:

How to start a new life: advice from a psychologist

When you have managed to get rid of the first pain, you need to start changing yourself - on the physical and psychological levels:

After letting go of irrelevant emotions, get rid of everything that reminds you of your spouse. Look around: what around you reminds you of your life together, what can you get rid of? Hide all things out of sight, even the smallest ones, if they serve as a reminder. Of course, you shouldn’t throw away minor or very significant gifts. Place things and objects in boxes or bags and put them away so far away that you don’t even look at them again. If everything that can mentally return you to a “bright shared past” disappears from your field of vision, you will more easily survive the breakup.
Keep your distance. Eliminate any contact with your ex-spouse. Of course, if you have children together, this is almost impossible to do. In this case, reduce communication to a minimum, communicate only on topics related to children. Don't be interested in his life, whether everything is okay with him. This way you will let him go much faster. Block his accounts on social networks, do not go to his pages, do not look at his photographs. Such actions will again and again cause severe mental pain.
Let the negativity spill out. Cry on your friend’s shoulder, speak out about everything that’s boiling over, about all your experiences. Once you speak out, it will feel much easier for you. If possible, go to the forest or other deserted place, scream, yell, pull out all the sadness from yourself. Screaming is a good way to relieve tension. You can go to a sports or gym and hit a punching bag. Just don’t squeeze the pain inside yourself!
When you feel better, find motivation to take a step into a new life. Of course, it’s easier to stay at home, sit on the couch in front of the TV and feel sorry for yourself while watching tearful melodramas. Gather your strength, force yourself to leave the house. Invite your friends to a quiet and cozy cafe or, conversely, take an outing into nature for active recreation. You have many available opportunities to become happy, take advantage of them. Remember what you liked to do before you met your ex-husband. Attend theatrical performances, go to film premieres, and do not refuse other public places and entertainment events.
Find a new activity you enjoy. For example, sign up for yoga, swimming, fitness, do handicrafts, drawing, dancing. It often happens that after a difficult divorce, women get a second wind and are quite successfully realized in their creativity.
Pay attention to your appearance. Now is the right time and opportunity to change your hairstyle, eyebrow shape, and clothing style. If you are afraid that you will make a mistake and be upset, use the services of a stylist.
Write a list of things that make you happy. Feel free to pamper yourself. If you like a new dress in a store window, buy it. If you want to go for a massage or get a manicure, sign up right away! Now you can allow yourself, your loved one, to be taken care of exclusively. Allow yourself small joys that will fill your life with bright impressions.
Set goals for yourself for the near future. What changes for the better do you want to make? This could be getting a driver's license, losing extra pounds, learning Spanish, or traveling to an African country. Choose something that inspires you. Remember your dreams before you got married, but did not realize them.
If you cannot forget the ended relationship, even following the recommendations described, consult a psychologist. Sometimes qualified help is simply necessary. And remember the main rule: if your ex-husband betrayed you, you should not give up on yourself and exist sadly. You have the right to happiness. Strive with all your might for inner harmony and joy in your soul!

How to understand that a woman has stopped loving her husband? The best advice from a psychologist on what to do when feelings fade away

How to let your husband go without torturing yourself

Do you wake up and tell yourself that you can't forget your ex-husband? Have you lost your joy in life and think you can’t get it back? You are not right. This condition does not last forever and you can cope with it. Feelings of depression and depression will pass on their own after some time. This material can help overcome depression.

At the very beginning after a divorce, you torment your soul, this is more than normal, the main thing is not to procrastinate with such a condition. You need to try to forget your husband after a divorce. You must regain trust in others, not keep emotions inside yourself and throw out all the negativity so that you can receive positive energy into yourself.

If your ex-husband left for another girl, you will certainly be inflamed with hatred. Here you need to realize that a person is not a thing and cannot belong to anyone. He himself is free to choose how to live.

Now the attitude towards oneself is of great importance. You must behave with dignity. Don't watch his life, watch yours. Take time for yourself, your loved one. Stop living for someone else, live for yourself.

Going through a separation from a loved one, a former loved one, is not an easy task. But this is a stage of life that many people go through, and you can go through it too. Look at the situation not as a collapse, but as a new stage in life. Share in the comments what methods you know of to forget your ex-husband if he left the family.

What to do if you have children together?

When a couple who have lived together for only a short time gets divorced, time helps passions and pain gradually subside, and the meeting of new love completely erases thoughts and memories of the past. But if spouses have children together, then getting rid of thoughts about their father becomes an impossible task.

He will no longer be your husband, but he will still be a dad to your children. If the separation took place jointly and in a civilized manner, regular meetings cannot be avoided. General children's holidays and weekends will be accompanied by his visits.

Of course, the frequency of meetings with him can be different - a man can call every evening or only congratulate the child on his birthday once a year, but he will remind you of himself one way or another.

If a man has disappeared from your horizon and does not take part in raising children, you will remember him when looking at the children themselves. Their appearance, habits and periodic questions about dad will not allow you to forget that this man was once in your life. Follow a few rules:

The most important recommendation from psychologists that you should follow is to not lie to your child about what happened. Children are more sensitive than adults and have well-developed intuition. They will definitely recognize your deception. Therefore, do not hide the truth from them, explain the situation in a gentle form, why dad began to live separately from you.
Do not forbid children to communicate with their father. Even if you are angry and offended, remember that both parents are equally important to the child. He is upset about the current situation, but it does not diminish his love for mom or dad. By establishing a ban on communication, you can traumatize the child’s psyche. Don't manipulate your children to hurt your ex-spouse.
You may hear from your child many questions that are not particularly pleasant for you, and sometimes even painful, about your relationship with his father. Don't change the subject, don't yell at your child so that he shuts up and doesn't ask you about it. Answer the questions asked with complete honesty and adequacy.
If the child is near you, do not insult or discuss his father with someone, for example, with a friend, or describe the situation of divorce in words with a negative connotation. Do everything in your power to prevent the children from starting to dislike their dad.

If you ignore these recommendations, the child can grow up to be a very complex, embittered person who is offended by the whole world. The best solution is to talk to the child all together - he, you and his father. Explain to him that even though your parents are now divorced, this does not mean that you have stopped loving him. Let the child know that mom and dad will always support him and help him.

How to forget your husband if you have a child together?

Going through a divorce alone is incredibly difficult, but it is even more difficult to endure this nightmare when you and your ex-spouse have a child together. In such a situation, in addition to the self-medication methods described above, it is also necessary to take care of the child, who is no easier, and in many cases reacts more sharply to the separation of mom and dad. Therefore, adhere to the following rules:

The most important thing that all family and child psychologists recommend is not to lie to your child about what happened under any circumstances. Children are much more sensitive, and their intuition is well developed; they are able to recognize deception much faster than any adult, and therefore, regardless of the child’s age, it is necessary to tell him everything directly. Try to explain the situation as loyally as possible, why his parents will no longer live together.
Under no circumstances should you interfere with the child’s communication with his father. Even despite all the anger and resentment towards your ex-husband, you must understand that the child loves mom and dad equally. He is upset by the current situation, but this will not make him love any of his parents less. And by prohibiting the father from visiting the child, you first of all inflict psychological trauma on the child, trying to spite or somehow hurt your ex-husband.
If a child asks any, even not entirely pleasant and painful, questions regarding the relationship between his parents, there is no need to go away from the topic and try to shut the child’s mouth. You must answer honestly and adequately everything that interests your daughter or son. In addition, it is strictly not recommended to insult or discuss your ex-husband with adults in the presence of a child, including the current situation, divorce and its consequences. This can turn the child against the father and cause some psychological trauma.

If you do not adhere to these recommendations, then the child may grow up to be an embittered and offended person with a lot of complexes. The best solution would be to have a conversation with the child in the presence of both parents. We need to explain to him that, despite the divorce, mom and dad love him just as much as before, and that he can always count on their support.