Groundless outbursts or real reasons? What to do with jealousy | Psychology of life

Yulia Doroshenko, psychologist and sexologist, explains .

— Jealousy is a “Molotov cocktail” of emotions, one of the few passions that has survived technological progress.

Where does it come from? We become attached to both people and things that make us happy. But we are not used to expressing this, because it is considered ugly! And then jealousy comes into the picture. It is based on a damaged sense of self-esteem.

Moreover, for someone who is jealous, it does not matter much whether the reason is true or imaginary. Our brain doesn't see the difference when emotions are connected. Added to this is a feeling of abandonment and loneliness.

Article on the topic

TEST: How jealous are you?

“They chose me over someone else,” the woman thinks. This is followed by fear, disgust, and despair. These stages pass very quickly, overshadowed by anger and rage.

It’s hard for both those who are jealous themselves and those who have to live with a jealous person. On the one hand, a jealous partner will fill your shared existence with bright colors - no worse than in a love story. On the other hand, some people cannot cope with feelings to such an extent that they commit crimes motivated by jealousy. If your partner is very jealous, it means that all the hidden reasons for jealousy have come together (unless, of course, you cheated).

What to do? You need to spend a lot of time building trust in a couple and developing a strategy for dealing with scenes of jealousy. And, of course, find tactics to avoid outbreaks. For example, you can call your husband more often if you go somewhere alone, ask for advice on where it is better to go with your girlfriends or which store to go to for clothes, so that the jealous man is aware of your affairs. The main thing is that this relationship is worth such efforts.

Article on the topic

Treason for treason. Is it worth taking revenge on an unfaithful spouse?

Jealousy in psychology

From the point of view of psychotherapy, jealousy is seen as a fear of loss and a painful desire to retain some benefit.

For example, in the explanatory dictionary D.N. Ushinsky defines jealousy as a combination of the following complex experiences:

passionate doubt about the fidelity of a lover or beloved;
lack of self-confidence and fear of being a less advantageous option compared to another potential partner;
excessive diligence, zeal, zeal.

The feeling of jealousy is very close in definition to envy and is divided into love, children's, national, sports and creative.

In all cases, jealousy is considered not as an independent phenomenon, but as one of the components of the feeling of love, when one or both lovers experience uncertainty about the future and their own significance for the chosen one.

In addition, jealousy can arise in people with possessiveness syndrome, as a pathological desire to control all aspects of their partner's life.

And there is also such a definition as “an attitude of jealousy.” This is internal tension and a person’s readiness for the worst outcome of a relationship (treason, betrayal) even when nothing portends trouble. Often, children who have experienced a parental divorce and people who have gone through a painful separation or divorce have this attitude.

The difference between jealousy and possessiveness

Jealousy brings a feeling of discomfort from the fact that the attention a person is entitled to from a partner is given (imaginary or real) to someone else. A sense of ownership is the desire to possess a companion as a thing, ignoring his personal happiness and desires for the sake of his own pride.

More than 9,000 people have gotten rid of their psychological problems using this technique.

The desire to possess a partner often becomes a symptom of jealousy, but sometimes it occurs without it. For example, if doubts about fidelity are caused by depression and self-hatred, the person will distance himself from the partner rather than try to establish control over him.

Jealous - what does it mean?

To experience jealousy means to experience a whole range of contradictory feelings at the same time:

Doubt yourself : about your competitiveness, about your ability to find someone else if you lose. A person with low self-esteem needs constant attention and overcompensation for lost emotions. He needs his partner to experience the same dependence on the relationship as he does.
Fear : loneliness, loss, uncertainty, being used.
Be proud : believe that no one has the right to deceive, betray, leave and somehow infringe on rights and shake the comfort zone.
Envy : the person receiving more attention, feeling left out.
Show selfishness : putting your wants and needs first, regardless of the circumstances. Take and demand without giving anything in return.

Zealous pride is closely intertwined with the fear of losing status and falling in one's own eyes. Undesirable behavior of a partner is perceived as an infringement of one’s own rights and boundaries.

Causes

Jealousy arises due to various factors, namely:

Mistrust. It can be caused by the personality traits of the jealous person, past traumas and unpleasant experiences, previous betrayal, or beliefs about the vicious nature of men or women. Mistrust sometimes arises out of nowhere, but it can be caused by objective factors - the partner’s cooling off, his strange behavior, quarrels.
Diffidence. When a person compares himself with potential competitors and realizes that he is losing to them, he begins to subconsciously fear that his partner will find a more worthy companion.
Lack of attention. When a jealous spouse devotes time to work, hobbies, children, friends, he feels abandoned and unnecessary. Because of this, suspicions arise of the partner’s infidelity and dishonesty.
Interaction of persons of the opposite sex with a companion. A jealous person mistakes a partner's harmless friendly or work conversations for attempts to find a replacement for him.
Rare communication. When partners temporarily move away from each other, a jealous person has the feeling that the reason is the appearance of a lover (mistress), and not objective factors (work, children, urgent matters).
Psychological dependence on relationships. Jealous people are deeply attached to their partner and believe that they will not be able to find a replacement for him in the event of separation. They demand proof of love and loyalty, which results in controlling behavior.
Fear of losing respect. Betrayal is scary for a person because he understands that he was taken advantage of and thrown away. This makes the jealous person feel like “second class” and lowers self-esteem. Therefore, unreasonable jealousy also arises in loveless marriages.
Problems in your sex life. The partner's coldness, dissatisfaction in bed, loss of interest make one think about an affair between a guy or a girl.

Jealousy without significant evidence or provocation arises among insecure people with bad life experiences and the belief that cheating is a normal phenomenon.

Inferiority complex

Excessive suspicion of a partner’s actions is a consequence of an inferiority complex.

More than 9,000 people have gotten rid of their psychological problems using this technique.

Feelings of inferiority, doubts in one’s abilities, and belief in the superiority of others lead to jealousy for the following reasons:

a person believes that his partner will consider his competitor a more worthy match;
the jealous person believes that he will not be able to find a new companion if he misses the current one;
there is a fear of losing a guy or girl who was a source of confidence;
every person of the appropriate gender is perceived as a competitor due to the person's low self-esteem and the belief that he is inferior to the majority;
the jealous person thinks that his partner shares negative thoughts about him, so he wants to leave;
a person considers himself insignificant, underestimating the affection of his wife or husband.

The danger of an inferiority complex is that it is difficult to identify. Jealous people, especially men, will be offended by attempts to point out the cause of their negative emotions, deny, or try to compensate for insecurity with aggressive or overly cheeky behavior.

Lack of self confidence

A confident person does not feel jealousy without a compelling reason and clear evidence of betrayal. The destructive roots of this emotion lie in the belief that the partner will try to leave if given the opportunity. The main reason for this is lack of self-confidence.

Jealousy due to lack of self-confidence takes many forms. People exposed to it become depressed, uncommunicative, and move away from their partner, wanting to dull the pain, but not daring to express it. However, like the inferiority complex itself, jealousy on its basis activates the protective mechanisms of the psyche, resulting in aggression or the desire to “overcompensate” for uncertainty through total control of the partner.

Low self-esteem

Considering himself an insignificant, insignificant person who can be easily replaced, the jealous person believes that his partner shares the same views. Love seems false to him, and betrayal seems self-evident.

A person with low self-esteem sometimes feels that he deserves such an attitude, so he rarely takes his anger out on his significant other, preferring to suffer in silence.

Physical disabilities

It is difficult for a person with non-standard external characteristics to find a partner, because in a relationship he becomes more attached and is afraid of losing a partner. He may suspect his companion of impure motives and a desire to take advantage of him, since he considers sincere love and sexual attraction to himself impossible.

Own infidelity

Those who are dishonest themselves are prone to jealousy. Betrayal, betrayal, and dishonesty with loved ones are common things for them, so they believe that people in general are prone to such behavior. Often such individuals use jealousy as a proactive defense mechanism, blaming their partner so that he himself does not suspect them of infidelity. Since their fear of losing a partner is driven by a reluctance to take a blow to their pride and self-esteem, and not by love, they are often the first to cheat on a girl or guy.

Age crisis

Outbursts of jealousy are a sign of a midlife crisis.

They are provoked by changes in the life and psyche of a person that accompany this condition. These include:

doubt about the rightness of marriage;
the desire to accept the role of a “victim” in relation to the “tyrant” in the form of a spouse, self-pity;
deterioration of health and reproductive function, which reduces the quality of sexual experience;
outbursts of irritability, infantile behavior, sudden mood swings;
nostalgia for youth, including lost “innocent” love;
increased attention to one’s appearance and its shortcomings;
tendency to psychological disorders - depression, anxiety, hypochondria, neuroses.

Age crises are accompanied by a desire to change life and a feeling that it has turned out wrong. This leads to unreasonable outbursts of aggression and jealousy towards the partner, and the desire to blame him for failures. Those who were in long-term relationships before the crisis are prone to this behavior.

Negative experience

Jealousy can be caused by negative experiences in past relationships. Having experienced treason or betrayal, a person cannot fully trust people throughout his life, even without reason to suspect them of dishonesty.

More than 9,000 people have gotten rid of their psychological problems using this technique.

Initially non-jealous people who for a long time did not notice or ignored the signs of their ex’s betrayal are prone to character changes due to negative experiences. Having suffered once, they try to prevent a repetition of the traumatic experience by placing increased demands on the behavior of their other half.

Unstable relationships

Instability and difficulties in current relationships serve as a reason for jealousy. This feeling is provoked by the following situations:

long separation;
lack of communication due to work, everyday life and other circumstances;
sexual dissatisfaction;
conflicts in areas where partners previously agreed;
domestic quarrels;
financial difficulties.

These factors lead to a cooling of the relationship between lovers, which is potentially perceived as a sign of betrayal. Difficulties in relationships provoke doubts in the companion, the illusion of his ideality is lost. Such jealousy is common at the beginning of a relationship, when the “candy-bouquet” period ends and the couple’s participants objectively evaluate each other’s personalities for the first time.

Difficult childhood

Jealousy is caused by childhood trauma. It appears when a child feels unloved, unimportant, and a stranger in his home. Not receiving proper love from his parents, he feels rejected and isolated. This gives rise to hatred, self-pity, and resentment towards the world. The first unsuccessful experience in relationships with older family members is projected onto romantic partners.

A person is afraid to again find himself in the position of a lonely and unwanted child, so he “safeguards himself” in advance with the help of jealousy. He does not need evidence of the betrayal of his other half, since he already considers the position of a rejected, deceived and love-deprived person to be the norm of life.

The origins of pathological jealousy often lie in childhood conflicts between brothers and sisters in large families.

Lack of attention from parents, pressure to share, ignoring the achievements of an unloved child force him to grow into an adult with complexes, suspicion and uncertainty that someone can love him.

Jealousy in alcoholism

Exacerbation of jealousy is typical for people suffering from alcoholism. Drunkenness leads to a decline in the eyes of a partner and a progressive deterioration of relationships with him. The reasons for this are the rudeness, indifference, aggressiveness of the jealous person, his loss of moral character and health. But he, not wanting to admit it, attributes his companion’s coldness to betrayal.

Negative manifestations of jealousy in alcoholism are directed exclusively at the partner, and not at perceived rivals. They are accompanied by paranoid behavior, outbursts of aggression, including physical violence, and finding fictitious “evidence” of betrayal in any word or deed of a partner. Jealousy worsens when drunk.

Neurotic disorders

Jealousy is a classic symptom of nervousness. Anxiety, obsessive thoughts, and feelings of inferiority make a person consider himself inferior to others. He projects these feelings onto his partner, from whom he expects betrayal in advance. With neurotic disorders, a person often realizes that suspicions are unfounded, which further aggravates his self-hatred.

If you don’t want to give up and are ready to really, and not in words, fight for your full and happy life, you may be interested in this article .

Jealousy during nervousness often becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. The symptoms of this condition, combined with pressure and mistrust, scare away and alienate the partner.

Personality disorders

Pathological jealousy resembles a mental illness and is accompanied by its typical symptoms - denial of obvious facts, outbursts of aggression or sadness, and the development of complexes. But this is not a separate diagnosis, but a manifestation of many psychological diseases and personality disorders, including:

narcissism;
bipolar disorder;
schizophrenia;
depression;
borderline personality disorder;
paranoia;
substance addiction.

The nature and degree of manifestation of jealousy depends on the type of disorder.

Types of jealousy. We look at the problem from different angles

In addition to the main concept, the psychology of jealousy is divided into four subsections:

Jealousy reversed . Simply put, a jealous person judges by himself: it is not difficult for him to hide his infidelities from his wife, and at the same time he is tormented by the obsessive thought that they could do the same to him.
Instilled jealousy . Jealous people of this kind grow up from children of nervous and unfaithful parents/single-parent families. Since the child has no other reference point for relationships, he takes them for granted and remembers that all men are unreliable (all women are flighty). And this problem is also common to people who grew up under the yoke of an oppressive parent. For example, a girl who spent her entire childhood listening to phrases from her mother in the spirit of: “all men need only one thing from you” will not be able to fully trust any partner.
Jealousy of an “adult woman” . A woman over 40 often begins to feel faded and uninteresting compared to fit twenty-year-old girls. At the same time, her male peer, on the contrary, feels more experienced and respectable, compared to penniless young students. So it turns out that the wife begins to live in a convulsive and jealous expectation that her husband, whose “gray hair will hit him in the head, and the devil in his ribs,” will find her a young replacement.
Jealousy is justified . This type of jealousy is synonymous with a broken heart. It so happens that people live together happily ever after, in mutual respect and comfort, until one of the spouses meets new love. No one is immune from this. It’s good if the partner, whose feelings have cooled, says so directly and does not lead a double life.

Kinds

Jealousy comes in different forms. It occurs not only to a romantic rival, but also to children, brothers and sisters, and friends. The desire to “own” a partner sometimes reaches the point of absurdity and extends not only to people, but also to hobbies, work, and hobbies.

The type of jealousy depends on the character of the person, his gender and age, social status, temperament, and upbringing.

Possessive

Most often, jealousy manifests itself in the form of possessiveness. A jealous person believes that his partner belongs to him as a thing. The fear of losing him is not associated with love, but with the risk of appearing weak, humiliated, and unworthy. Possessive jealousy is characteristic of people with the following character traits:

lust for power;
excessive love of order, desire to keep everything in its place;
stubbornness;
inability to forgive mistakes;
cold;
disrespect for the partner as an individual;
indifferent attitude towards other people's interests;
fear of change, conservatism.

Men are more prone to this type of emotion than women. This is due to upbringing and social stereotypes that the husband is the master of his wife. The main manifestations of such emotions are the desire to control everything, outbursts of aggression, showdowns, interrogations and demands for constant reports on the time spent, attempts at surveillance.

Jealousy from “infringement”

People with anxiety, low self-esteem, complexes, and a tendency to exaggerate are prone to jealousy from infringement. This emotion is based on the fear of being worse than a rival in the eyes of a loved one. Unlike the owner, the “disadvantaged” jealous person directs negative emotions towards himself. He is not prone to hysterics and aggressive behavior; instead, the jealous person withdraws and withdraws.

Experiencing wounded jealousy, a person begins to see evidence of betrayal in the smallest changes of a partner, and of a rival in everyone he meets. At the same time, he rationalizes the behavior of his loved one, believing that he “deserves” to be betrayed.

Tyrannical

It occurs in people with despotic tendencies, developed pride, excessively high standards, and a tendency to shift blame to others. They make exorbitant demands on their significant other, and perceive non-compliance with them as betrayal and personal hostility. When the cold and cruel behavior of a jealous person pushes away the victim, he writes it off as treason.

The fear of separation in a jealous tyrant is rarely caused by objective factors. These people's mistrust of their partner is unfounded and persists under any circumstances. The tyrannical type of jealousy has common features with the possessive one.

Grafted

The reasons for unreasonable jealousy may lie in a person’s imposed beliefs. If from childhood he was taught that no one can be trusted, then he involuntarily accepts this as a fact. For suspicion to arise, it is enough to accept as true the statement that “all men are womanizers” or “all girls cheat.” A jealous person projects them onto their current partner and involuntarily looks for reasons to suspect him of cheating.

Converted

This type of jealousy is caused by a person's own insecurities and infidelity. Possessing these qualities, he involuntarily believes that they apply to others. A jealous person is capable of treason, betrayal and vile actions, and therefore believes that they are acceptable for a partner. Against this background, groundless suspicions and a desire to control the other half appear.

Jealousy inverted is selfishness, which has nothing to do with love. Often a jealous person himself is ready to cheat on his spouse, but cannot bear the thought of betrayal by his partner.

Men's and women's

Women are jealous more often, but men are more jealous. Female jealousy is more common than male jealousy, but manifestations of this emotion on the part of a girl rarely lead to something worse than a breakup. Guys are jealous deeply and deeply, and therefore more often commit rash acts and crimes under the influence of this emotion.

Normal or pathological?

Popular love dramas impose on young viewers the idea “if there is jealousy, then there are feelings.” This is a rather controversial statement, which, due to excessive romanticization, drives people into abusive relationships with pathological jealous people.

Abuse is a psychological term denoting a relationship where one of the partners exerts moral (and sometimes physical) pressure on the other. Manipulates, abusing his own position.

Jealousy is understandable and normal within reasonable limits, and if there are specific reasons. If the reason for a scandal is a five-minute delay from work, a harmless conversation with a colleague, or a fleeting glance from a passerby, this is already a pathology.

And there is also the so-called jealous delusion: when the fact of betrayal or its prospects is only in the head of the jealous person. His sick imagination and hypertrophied perception of reality makes him see betrayal where there is none. Men are most often susceptible to this type of jealousy. You might be interested in material about what it means to be a real man.

As for women, most often they are characterized by “delusions of love” of the opposite nature. It seems to a girl with such a disorder that she is desired and desired by all the men around her, and her personal object of desire is simply embarrassed to show feelings for such a popular person, which will eventually develop into imposing her own society without taking into account personal boundaries and standards of decency.

To summarize all of the above, jealousy is a pathology in cases where love is perceived by a person as a confirmation of his own importance both in the eyes of others and in his own.

A pathological jealous person is not self-sufficient and does not have stable self-esteem. If he does not receive confirmation of the love and importance of his own person in standard ways, then he begins to show jealousy or deliberately provoke a reaction from the outside.

The reasons that underlie jealousy

As a rule, several are combined

Low self-esteem. If for some reason a person comes to the conclusion that his partner preferred another, then he begins to be tormented by thoughts: “Why is this other person better than me?”, “If I were good, then he would not look at anyone else.” ..."

Internal attitude, laid down in childhood or adolescence: “You are all men/women like that.” Sometimes betrayal by a previous partner can lead to such confidence. Then the jealous person closes himself off from reality with this “red rag”, initially not allowing another option (“All men cheat”), so as not to get burned later (“I trusted him, but he…”), or even uses it to manipulate his partner, insist on your desires.

Projecting your own desire for outside sex onto your partner. How does this happen? A jealous person has a strict taboo on cheating. One’s own arousal or interest in other women (or men) is discarded, but since it is impossible to completely ignore the impulses of the soul and body, these desires are unconsciously attributed to the partner. “I want, that means you want too.” Sometimes jealousy can even manifest latent homosexuality.

Real cheating or flirting with someone else. In this case, jealousy is justified and becomes a means of protecting one’s living space. Often in a couple, the one who has been cheated on feels it very acutely, even without evidence of the partner’s “guilt” and without understanding the true reason for his experiences. After all, the attention and activity of his loved one leaves their relationship and is redirected in another direction.

He left for another city. How to save a long distance relationship

More details

Love or mistrust?

Despite the fact that jealousy goes hand in hand with love, these concepts are by no means synonymous. So how to distinguish love from mistrust? For clarity, consider the behavior of two married couples in everyday and everyday situations.

Mistrust is one of the reasons for jealousy

Example #1: At a party

The couple attends a party. The wife starts a casual conversation with one of the male guests (about the weather, the hero of the occasion, etc.). The husband also finds someone to talk to or joins the unobtrusive conversation, maintaining a friendly tone and picking up on his wife’s jokes.
The same situation: the wife starts a conversation with the man, but the husband intervenes quite abruptly in their communication. In some cases, the conflict may begin on the spot, but most often the wife will face a dissatisfied look and a scandal upon returning home.

Example No. 2. Meeting from work

The husband returns from work at the same time, but suddenly he is late without warning. His wife called him and found out what the reason was and when to heat up dinner.
The same situation: the spouse is late from work. His wife calls him at work and asks the boss what time he left his workplace. Asks his colleagues if he communicated with anyone during the working day. Upon returning home, the husband will face a scandal and a reprimand about selfishness.

Example No. 3. Personal space

Spouses enjoy spending time together: going to the cinema, attending social events or joint classes. If their interests diverge, then everyone calmly goes about their business alone or in the company of friends.
The spouses are forced to spend all their free time together, as one of them believes that this is an example of an ideal relationship. Any party's own interests and tastes are suppressed; meetings with friends in cafes and trips to football with friends are perceived as betrayal.

It is obvious that the behavior of the first couple is filled with love and trust, while the actions of the spouses of the second lack any common sense. The reasons for jealousy in all situations are far-fetched and are not determined by anything other than the desire of one of the spouses to completely capture the attention and freedom of the other.

Signs

You can understand that a person is jealous by external and behavioral manifestations:

sharply increased interest in personal affairs, hobbies, work, and friends of the partner;
attempts to hint or bring a guy or girl into a conversation about relationships, flirting, cheating;
changes in temperament - hot temper and nervousness or depression and apathy for no apparent reason;
constant monitoring of the location and activities of the satellite;
researching the personal belongings of a guy or girl, viewing personal SMS, mail, instant messenger accounts, social networks;
attempts to control, check and interrogate a partner;
aggression, reproaches, indignation when the lover contacts people of the opposite sex;
uncharacteristic preoccupation with appearance and behavior.

Signs of jealousy progress over time if a person fails to get rid of emotional tension and stress. Having noticed them, it is worth bringing your partner to a frank conversation.

Male and female jealousy

Despite the fact that jealousy is a feeling that occurs equally in men and women, it manifests itself somewhat differently, depending on the gender of the jealous person.

Let's consider how jealousy is experienced by men and women.

Male jealousy

Psychotherapists identify four internal and external factors on which male jealousy is built:

Low self-esteem . The man believes that his girlfriend can easily find someone else who will be a better match in terms of appearance or income.
Alcohol, drug or gaming addiction . According to psychosociological studies, it has been found that men with addictions are most often terribly jealous. An unbalanced mental state forces them to seek pleasure in the adrenaline rush from various kinds of risks, including passionate swearing.
Ownership instinct . Any communication and attention from the opposite sex, or even a woman’s desire to communicate with her friends, is perceived by a man as a violation of personal boundaries.
Companion's behavior . Often, a woman herself can provoke her partner to jealousy by flirting with strangers. Sometimes both partners perceive this as a kind of erotic game, but often this only angers the jealous person more.

Female jealousy

Female jealousy is characterized by the following manifestations:

Constant vigilance . This behavior can be compared to playing private detective: the wife constantly checks her husband’s phone for new contacts, creates fake accounts on social networks to “promote” him for cheating, and controls every minute spent outside the home and work.
Filtering friends . The husband's single friends are perceived by the jealous woman as potential tempters who can introduce him to girls. Married people seem to be a threat to their usual way of life, since the spouse may see that someone runs the house better than she does.
Public showdown . Scenes of jealousy in a store, in front of children, family, visiting, on summer vacation. No norms of social behavior will stop a woman who wants to put her “presumptuous” husband in his place.
Working like a rival . When her lover stays at work even for a short time, the jealous woman already begins to imagine scenes of a stormy love affair with a colleague in her head. Sometimes the situation reaches the point of absurdity, and the woman constantly occupies an important telephone line, stopping by the office “on the way” to check what her husband is doing. If a husband has a pretty assistant or secretary working for him, then a jealous wife will definitely find a way to “drive” a potential competitor out of her workplace.

A jealous person is a vulnerable, fragile and unstable person, regardless of gender. A person can overcome his condition only through self-analysis and long work on self-control.

Jealousy as a script tool

Jealousy in general very often becomes an expression of a family scenario, a way of its implementation. There are people who have a strong rejection script, say, a girl whose father left her as a child now expects from everyone, especially men, that she will not be loved and abandoned.

She finds a man and torments him with her jealousy, often for no reason at all. And in the end, she annoys him so much with her jealousy that he actually leaves her. Or there are stories where a person is tormented by suspicion to such an extent that he cannot stand it and cheats: “If they are constantly being accused, at least for something.” And in both cases, the girl confirms her scenario that no one needs her. This is more typical for women, but it also happens to men.

The “don’t trust men” attitude can also cause jealousy. How can you implement the scenario solution “don’t trust men” - you need to find one who cannot be trusted. This is the easiest way. For example, if you are afraid that they will cheat on you, then you can choose a man who is constantly going out, and then all the puzzles will fit together, that is, you will wait for him, love him, he will go out with someone, will correspond with other women, and so on This way the scenario decision “don’t trust men” will be confirmed. And if you haven’t found a womanizer, then you can provoke him. How? You can constantly suspect him or constantly refuse sex, for example.

The basic emotion of a jealous person is anxiety.

The basic emotion of a jealous person is anxiety. If you compare how a jealous person behaves and an anxious person, you will find many similarities, almost identical: the desire for control, demanding information, constant complaints and the desire to be justified in front of him. Moreover, it is impossible to justify yourself once and for all, because anxiety is relieved only for a while, and new claims constantly appear. Over time, the jealous person becomes an information addict who needs more and more information to control. And his demands on his partner are constantly growing.

Why Basic Trust Is Important

A jealous person is almost always dependent on his partner. I always give this analogy with dependent relationships. Imagine that you came, for example, into a room, there was a chair there, and you sat down on it. You don’t check whether it is stable or not, whether it is broken or intact, and why? There is trust in the chair; you do not depend on it. Even if it is suddenly broken, you will not fall below the ground, your life does not depend on it. Well, yes, it will probably be unpleasant, but this drop will not be critical. Now imagine that this chair stands over an abyss, that is, you are in a relationship of dependence with this chair, that is, your life depends on it. Please tell me, before sitting on this chair, how many requirements will you place on it, how will you check it? Probably very carefully and for a long time, right? And when you sit on it, you will always, you know, check your butt. Why will you do this? For one simple reason: because you are afraid, because you depend on this chair, so you are constantly checking whether it is firmly standing or not, and so on. There will be no trust in him.

So in a dependent relationship there is never trust. In a relationship where there is one-sided, or two-sided, so-called co-dependence between partners, it simply cannot exist. A person who sits on a chair over an abyss does not trust this chair with every fiber of his soul, precisely because he depends.

How to recognize a pathological jealous person at the very beginning of a relationship? 10 sure signs

Pathological jealousy is a trait that is best identified at the stage of “candy-bouquet” courtship. This will make it easier for you to break this connection in order to protect yourself from everyday “Shakespearean passions.”

Your lover is a pathological jealous person if:

It controls all aspects of your life : who you communicate with, where you go in your free time, what you do on social networks. Moreover, control is sometimes carried out undisguisedly, under the pretext that lovers should have everything in common.
It shapes your social circle . If he doesn’t like one of your friends or girlfriends, the jealous person will persistently convince you to stop communicating or even set up a conflict.
Any deviation from the usual everyday rituals is a sign of betrayal . If your phone died at the time when it usually rings, and the conversation did not take place. If you didn’t go to the nearest grocery store, but went to a shopping center. If you smiled welcomingly at a neighbor in the stairwell whom he had never met before. Whatever the outcome, your loyalty will be questioned.
It monitors your movements throughout the day . And this is not just sweet concern and questions about how you got home - this is manic pursuit. The partner knows what route you take, what taxi service you use, where you usually get coffee, and what your work schedule is. He knows all your phones and the phones of your immediate circle in order to contact you through them if you suddenly fall out of the “access zone”.
He asks you to prove your feelings by setting an ultimatum : “Either me or your hobby!”, “What is more important to you - me or your friends?”, “If you don’t stop communicating with him, it means you don’t care about me.” If you have heard these phrases, it means you are being manipulated.
He speaks unflatteringly about all his ex-girlfriends . He, without mincing words, speaks about their character and behavior. At this point, your potential partner will most likely try to convince you that you are not like that and will definitely understand him in order to consolidate his position with your sense of self-worth.
He is not confident in himself as a partner, but does not try to change anything . By manipulating "what if" phrases, he tries to make himself look more caring, but he doesn't actually do any of that. For example: “If I had money now, I would take you to the ends of the world,” “If I earned a little more, I would give you flowers every day.” Often with these phrases he exposes himself as a captive of circumstances or a victim of the machinations of other people.
He believes that monogamy is a relic of the past . But the rule only applies to him.
Frequent and dramatic changes in mood : from screams and threats, the jealous person suddenly switches to crying and pleas for forgiveness. From insults and contempt - to appeasement with gifts and vows of eternal love.
Suicidal manipulation : threats to commit suicide in case of separation or to kill you and your new lover are another favorite lever of pressure for jealous people.

If you feel that your partner is manipulating you, and communicating with him gives you moral discomfort, end this relationship. Don't think that "true love can fix everything."

These points apply equally to both men and women. Of course, in the blossoming of a romantic relationship, jealousy can seem like a sign of intense interest or even part of a game. But what will happen later, when the relationship becomes more serious? Will you be ready to live under constant control, to think through your every gesture and spoken word?

Positive and negative sides of jealousy

The danger of jealousy is that this feeling contributes to a loss of trust between partners. Suspicions and the resulting interrogations, the need to constantly check a loved one, attempts to invade his personal space lead to quarrels and scandals. When in a relationship, people expect understanding, support, and respect. Jealousy takes that away from the couple.

The feeling is destructive for the jealous person himself. It makes you live in suspicion and develops an inferiority complex. The fear of being used, thrown out and humiliated reduces a person’s quality of life, and manifestations of jealousy in the form of aggression and controlling behavior aggravate the situation.

The positive aspects of this emotion appear if it is given in small doses. Light, playful jealousy adds zest to flirting and makes your partner feel special. Emotion plays the role of a regulator of self-esteem, because it motivates a person to new achievements, stimulates him to become better and develop his strengths.

The Bible presents jealousy as a positive thing that encourages people to protect what is theirs. Art and literature view it in a negative sense, presenting it as a deeply destructive feeling that “sucks all the good out of love.”

But modern psychologists believe that this emotion in healthy doses strengthens relationships and is dangerous only in an unreasonable, pathological form.

What does jealousy lead to? Mental and physical problems

Constantly sorting out relationships based on jealousy can affect not only your mood, but also quite seriously spoil your quality of life.

Relationships in a couple become tense and nervous. The jealous person’s partner feels like he’s “on a powder keg”, expecting a new stream of reproaches and suspicions. This cools the ardor of love and, contrary to expectations, alienates lovers from each other.

It’s even worse when the couple’s child becomes a witness to scenes of jealousy. He cannot understand why mom and dad, who are supposed to love each other, scream and swear, completely ignoring him. This can seriously affect his psyche, making him closed, tense and complex. According to a sociological study, children who accidentally witnessed their parents' adultery carry their damaged trust through life. They are much more likely to experience difficulties in building harmonious relationships.

In addition, a jealous person, without suspecting it, can give his partner an attitude towards real betrayal. After all, receiving punishment for what you have done is not as unpleasant as constantly hearing accusations for something that happened only in the opponent’s imagination. Read more about guilt.

And finally, the fatal culmination is the breakup of the relationship. Sooner or later, even the most patient and understanding person will get tired of enduring hysterics and groundless reproaches.

As for the physical state, each outbreak of jealousy is a serious blow to the nervous, cardiovascular and respiratory systems.

During an outburst of jealousy, the brain experiences overload similar to the shock of hearing about the death of a loved one.

The immune system, under the pressure of constant emotional shocks, also weakens, as a result of which a pathological jealous person is at risk of developing the following diseases:

anorexia nervosa;
obesity or swelling due to hormonal imbalance;
frigidity/impotence;
stroke;
heart attack

Psychology of love and jealousy

Jealousy is definitely a negative feeling for the person who experiences it. It leads to fear, hatred, aggression, sadness, stress. Therefore, this emotion cannot be identified with love and considered an obligatory component of a relationship. By its nature, it is destructive for the jealous person, who tries to get rid of it, harming himself, his partner and potential competitors.

Are you ready to stop thinking about your problem and finally move on to real actions that will help you get rid of your problems once and for all? Then perhaps you will be interested in this article .

The basis of love is affection, the desire to spend time with a partner, to build a future together. Jealousy is born out of fear of losing it. It can arise for rational reasons - the coldness of a companion, secrets and omissions, flirting with other people of the opposite sex, reviews of mutual acquaintances about infidelity.

There is nothing bad or unnatural about such a feeling. It performs a natural protective function, saving the female from the risk of being abandoned with children, and the male from the need to raise someone else’s offspring.

Danger arises when jealousy is unreasonable and pathological. The reasons for this are complex psychological mechanisms that trigger the need to fully own a partner. The desire to become the only important person for your chosen one is destructive, and reduces the quality of relationships for the jealous person (due to the impossibility of fulfilling his demands) and the victim, who is tired of scandals and claims.

Manifestations of jealousy depend on the gender of the person. Men are domineering - they have such emotions due to the feeling of losing control over the girl. They believe the reason for this is the emergence of a competitor. The basis for women’s jealousy is a weakening of the emotional connection. If a girl is jealous, it means that she does not feel warmth and care from a guy. Women can hate and blame not only their lover for cooling their feelings, but also their girlfriends, friends, work and hobbies of their companion.

Why are people jealous?

And now we will try to figure out what to do if you yourself are a pathological jealous person. Recognizing the problem is the first step towards fixing it. The second step is to understand its nature.

So where does this feeling come from? Why are you experiencing it? There may be several reasons for this:

You are afraid of loneliness . You hold on to relationships painfully, constantly comparing yourself to other girls/men. Deep down, you think that your partner could leave at any moment, realizing that there are people in the world more worthy of love than you. I recommend an article about why love leaves.
You dwell on the past . It is difficult for you to accept the fact that your companion had a serious relationship before you. Women tend to be jealous of their men who were previously married or in long-term relationships; men tend to blame their beloved for their former “lovingness.”
You lack attention . Your object of desire, due to his busyness and social involvement, cannot always spend time with you. Because of this, there is a feeling of deprivation and obsessive thoughts and fantasies about cheating.
You are susceptible to psychological "transference" . You experienced the betrayal of a loved one, saw your parents or close friends divorce, and now you regard every member of the opposite sex as a potential cheater.

Now that you know all the components of your condition, you can begin correction. Below is a detailed guide to action with which you can help yourself. I also recommend material on working with anxiety and anxiety.

What is addiction?

And now we need to briefly explain how this works in relationships. We can satisfy our needs either at the expense of another person or with the help of another person. Partnership means that I satisfy my needs not at the expense of another person, but with his help. That is, theoretically, I can do it myself, but it’s easier to do it together or with this particular partner. That is, relatively speaking, I can probably find myself another wife, but I like this one. I love this one. I'm not particularly afraid of being alone. But I feel good with this woman, or with this man. This is called interdependence, that is, we are together because we want to be together, and not because we will feel bad otherwise. There is a big difference here.

Now imagine that I have low self-esteem: I believe that no one needs me, and that if my wife leaves me, then I will never find anyone else who needs me. Or I sit at home and my wife feeds me, that is, I am financially dependent. I cannot satisfy my needs on my own, and I satisfy them not with the help of another person, but at the expense of him.

Therefore, I want to say again: in a relationship of dependence there is never trust. It may be demonstrated, but it will not be real.

The fight against jealousy and trust as the key to strong love

Many women and men have their own idea of an ideal romantic relationship. But only a small part of people understand that a lot of effort will have to be made to translate these ideals into reality. The key point is to work on mutual and unconditional trust.

Talk about your feelings . People, even those closest to you, cannot always intuitively guess what you like and what you don’t. If the words or actions of your lover somehow offend you, say so without scandal or emotion, and ask them not to do that. Be straightforward and frank. This is not the case when you should use transparent hints.
Learn to listen . When your partner begins to share his experiences with you, listen to him calmly and without emotion. The more information you learn, the easier it will be for you to work through the problem.
Learn to prevent a quarrel . You probably remember in what situations your significant other begins to get nervous and frown - so take advantage of this information. If you know that your beloved is worried when you are late at work, call and warn if necessary. Learn to explain yourself before they come up with an explanation for your behavior for you.
Feel free to ask questions . If you have any doubts or suspicions, ask about it. For example, if you want to know what your spouse did while you were on a business trip, ask him about how he spent his time. But remember that this should just be a conversation, not an interrogation. Also, don’t constantly bring up your partner’s past – it simply doesn’t make sense.
What will conflict bring me? Ask yourself this question every time you are going to raise your voice to your chosen one. Remember that a person who speaks politely, measuredly and sedately looks more dignified than one who breaks into shouting and swearing.
Be interested in the life and interests of your partner . For example, if your companion loves computer games, ask him to talk about what exactly attracted him to the game, about its plot, etc. You’ll see - he will appreciate this kind of attention, because everyone enjoys talking about something that is really close to him.
Don't try to change a person to suit you . Undoubtedly, partners must learn to coexist harmoniously and adapt to each other’s interests, but this does not mean a complete renunciation of personal freedoms. If your chosen one does not suit you at the initial stage, think about whether it is worth developing a relationship in which you will be uncomfortable?
Protect your personal space and respect your partner's right to be alone . Don't be rude or pushy. Learn to say: “I would like to be alone” instead of “leave me alone,” and also do not impose your company on your chosen one.
Don't lie and don't let yourself be deceived . Remember that untruths always come out. It is impossible to build healthy long-term relationships on lies, even for good.
Be grateful . Say thank you to your partner for both small and big things. When your actions are appreciated, you want to do them again and again.
Focus on your common features : these could be tastes in art, literature, common hobbies and jokes.
Do something together : cook, go shopping, watch movies, go for a walk. After all, community and mutual understanding are what made you fall in love with each other.
Praise : for a deliciously prepared dinner, a promotion, a nailed shelf, or even just because your other half looks good. Everyone is pleased when their efforts are noticed.
Don't criticize publicly . Personal life is “personal” for that reason, because what happens in it should concern only partners. If you have accumulated complaints against your spouse, talk in private, but never sort things out in front of children, relatives or guests.

Hugging, holding hands and simply touching each other more often. Psychologists have proven that tactile sensations affect the degree of trust between partners.

Facts about jealousy

The phenomenon of jealousy has been well studied by family psychologists and psychiatrists. Interesting facts about him:

7-10% of men on the planet are pathologically jealous.
3-5% of people on Earth are not capable of jealousy.
Jealousy is bad for your health. It provokes stress and anxiety, causing the heart rate to increase, blood pressure to rise, and the load on the cardiovascular system to increase.
The degree of jealousy depends on hormonal levels. In women, it increases during pregnancy, because at this time she needs the protection and support of a man.
Jealousy is the second most common reason for the breakdown of relationships (the first is the financial situation of partners, quarrels about budget distribution). The reason for the breakup can be either a jealous person who does not want to put up with the “infidelity” of his other half, or a victim whom he tortures with pressure.
Jealous behavior is inherent in a person at the level of instincts. It is inherent in animals and has the same roots as rivalry.
Age affects the likelihood of encountering a jealous person. People over 30 experience this emotion half as often as young people.
Every fifth crime in the world is committed due to jealousy. The court does not consider it a mitigating circumstance.

Jealousy is a ubiquitous emotion that controls people's behavior. In moderate manifestations, it stimulates self-improvement, in extreme manifestations it destroys relationships and provokes crimes.

Feeling jealous

From a psychological point of view, jealousy is a strong, uncontrollable feeling that can arise spontaneously for various reasons.

Many people think that without jealousy there is no true love. However, psychologists say that this is a misconception. This feeling appears against the background of mistrust, the desire to control a loved one, to remove him from the influence of others. Initially, jealousy develops as a subconscious fear. Gradually it develops into negative criticism and becomes certain actions that are aimed at limiting the will of the loved one. If there are no attempts to stop the developing attacks of paranoia, the relationship may be completely destroyed.

Living with a jealous person is difficult. A person will constantly look for a catch, deception, lies, cling to words, and not pay attention to good deeds. At the same time, he will psychologically overwhelm himself. This will lead to constant scandals and outbursts of anger. To preserve the relationship and the integrity of the family, both spouses need to try.

How to get rid of jealousy?

Knowing the psychological explanation of why people are jealous is not enough. It is important to understand how to correct the situation so as not to destroy the current relationship. Psychologists who study the problems of relationships between men and women recommend adhering to the following rules:

Completely stop communicating with ex-girlfriends or boyfriends. The past needs to be drowned out.
Pay more attention to your spouse. Speak kind words more often, show concern, point out the strengths of your other half, and praise.
Pay attention to your appearance. You need to take care of yourself in order to appear before your significant other in all its glory.
Increase self-esteem. To do this, you need to find a hobby, a favorite thing. Don't pay attention to the opinions of others. When you achieve significant success, respect and attention from outside people will appear. You need to work on your shortcomings and engage in self-development. This will lead to expansion of opportunities, improvement of psychological state, creation, strengthening of one’s own point of view.
Work with your fears, try to eradicate them. If you wish, you can contact a psychologist so that a specialist can help identify your internal experiences.
Work out the worst case scenario in advance. To do this, you need to calm down emotionally, try to accept the possible future calmly.
It is important not to build castles in the air and not indulge in fantasies about your other half.
Resolve controversial and conflict situations calmly. Communicate more, try to figure out problems immediately after they arise.

To save a relationship, you need to trust your other half. This includes maintaining personal freedom. No need to get into someone else's phone or computer. Such curiosity will aggravate the situation

If a husband begins to be jealous of his wife, she needs to give up deliberate flirting with other men, stop dressing provocatively, and spend more time with her loved one.

What is jealousy

Jealousy is a versatile feeling. It can either strengthen a marriage relationship or completely destroy love.

Young people during the candy-flower period do not attach much importance to this feeling. Moreover, “if he or she is jealous, it means he or she really loves and is afraid of losing love.” Agree, this position can flatter any person. The situation means that there is no point in being afraid of losing your other half. Since “she is completely under my control and makes sure not to lose me.” That is, there is a guarantee of the strength of the relationship. But experts say that falling into the bait of jealousy, a person risks losing his freedom. And not ordinary, but full.

It is necessary from the very beginning to pay attention to the nature of the manifestation of feelings. If these are attacks during which a person is unable to restrain his emotions, the help of a doctor or psychologist is necessary. It’s another matter if a person tactfully shows that he is afraid of losing you. It's really about love here. And pathological jealousy is complete distrust. In his thoughts, he sees you from terrible angles, cheating, treacherous. Further, the attitude inside will worsen.

Only slight jealousy and love can be combined in a normal person, and they will strengthen a marriage, become an incentive to create a full-fledged family, have children, etc.

The manifestation of feelings depends on the person himself, his character, temperament, upbringing, and mental state. If he is able to control himself, that is, control jealousy, everything will be fine. After all, the majority of the planet’s inhabitants are jealous, but not everyone knows how to curb quality. The ability to accurately express your dissatisfaction is worth a lot. It is precisely this gallant opinion that, as a rule, the other half will listen to.

Moreover, controlled jealousy is a plus in a relationship. Let your loved one know and see that he is precious and irreplaceable.

If a person is not able to control himself, he is dangerous. In a fit of jealousy, a colossal number of serious crimes have been committed. Remember the story of the Kabanov family. “No one could have imagined that Irina and her husband Alexey had problems in their relationship. The woman simply remained silent and did not tell anyone how her husband was tormented by his jealousy. It got to the point that they divorced, but continued to live in the same apartment. The two children were constant witnesses to showdowns and humiliation.

It all ended in tragedy. Another quarrel between the former spouses escalated into assault by the husband, who, in a fit of anger, simply strangled the woman. To hide his crime, he posted a message online that Irina had disappeared. Crowds of volunteers combed parks in Moscow and the Moscow region. And the husband put his wife’s body in a bag and left it on the balcony.

It was winter, there was severe frost, and for this reason nothing gave away the crime. The police searched the entire apartment and even went out onto the balcony. But they could not even imagine that there was a bag with a body in the corner. It was only when the man decided to transport it to the forest and bury it that the police took him by surprise. They just asked me to open the trunk, and there was the late Irina.”

Here is a clear example of the fact that you cannot connect your life with a person who is not able to control his feelings. And how beautifully it all started. Friends of the family pointed out that they were once a beautiful and harmonious couple. Now the father is in prison, the wife is in the grave, and the children are left orphans and are being raised by Irina’s parents.

What should a woman do?

Be patient.
Constantly talk about love and the merits of a loved one.
Try not to arouse suspicion (discreet clothing, minimum communication with other men).
Instill importance and desirability in your loved one.
If there is no improvement, organize a visit to a family psychologist or psychotherapist.

If a girl is modest and devoted to her family, then there is a high probability that the reason is in the man: childhood trauma or low self-esteem; only a good specialist can help understand the situation.

Unfortunately, men often do not realize that suspicion greatly hurts their girlfriends, and even wonderful relationships deteriorate, love fades, and patience runs out. Girls are also not made of iron, there comes a period when the last drop falls into the glass of patience, the desire to make excuses and improve relationships disappears.

Jealousy in relationships, the psychology of the issue is quite extensive, there are various causes and similar consequences. Such feelings are a dangerous force and building love on them, like using an atomic bomb for peace, can only be useful in small doses. It is better to focus on trust and openness, this is more correct.

Can jealousy be beneficial?

In some cases, jealousy fuels relationships because it is associated with falling in love. Applying the right amount of pressure on this lever can revive interest. Love should not be insipid; sometimes it needs to be warmed up. It is important not to overdo it, since people’s feelings are inert, and as a result, the partner may suddenly become terribly jealous.

Why are women jealous?

Women are more emotional than men. They may feel jealous for no apparent reason. The fear of losing a loved one or suspecting him of cheating sometimes drives most girls crazy.

Reasons for this behavior:

low self-esteem;

a female team at her husband’s work;
increased desire of the spouse to communicate with the opposite sex;
fear of being alone;
sense of ownership;
psychological disorders;
childhood traumas.

Men adequately perceive situations when they feel their wife’s jealousy. For them, such a manifestation speaks of love, a desire to be close, and a reluctance to see someone else. Psychologists believe that such manifestations are normal for all girls, but it is important not to cross the line, creating difficulties for relationships.

Psychology of jealousy: consequences

In addition to its negative impact on relationships, excessive jealousy can lead to:

deterioration of the psychosomatic condition of children;
real betrayals;
problems with your own health - the intestines especially suffer from such emotions, and brain function is disrupted.

Jealousy is one of those subjects that needs to be discussed together and openly. In severe cases, it is recommended to undergo family psychotherapy.