No one denies that a person needs a person, and yet having a partner has long been no longer a prerequisite for a happy life. Many people consciously choose to be alone, and it seems that society is gradually beginning to accept this choice. Unfortunately, not fast enough: singles are still perceived as something of a failure in the social system, with huge numbers of people feeling lonely without even being formally alone. Let's figure out what lies behind the feeling of loneliness and what can be done when this experience brings suffering.
In modern society, despite all the talk about the variety of possible life formats, loneliness still remains a stigma. On the one hand, this is understandable: being social animals, people are not able to fight the hardwired idea that everyone necessarily needs someone else. On the other hand, many seem to forget that, firstly, in order to not feel lonely, you do not have to have a partner and, secondly, having a partner does not always relieve the overwhelming feeling of alienation, exclusion and emptiness. Yet many people, even as they gradually become depressed because of this feeling of internal inadequacy, are afraid to talk about their feelings and admit that they are alone: they are afraid of being considered strange, different, ungrateful, or simply a loser.
Lack of freedom to talk about loneliness only exacerbates the problem of single people in society
Especially in cases where the person is actually striving for a completely different life: if you judge yourself for feeling lonely, it will be even more difficult for you to take any steps to change the situation. And, of course, in this case there will be nothing left but to condemn yourself again - this time for the fact that you have not taken any action to solve the problem.
The general idea is that if you don't have friends or a partner, there must be something wrong with you. But in reality, feeling lonely has little to do with how many friends you have or how successful you are in your personal life. It's something that comes from within: Some people who feel lonely may rarely interact with others, while others may be constantly in the spotlight and have a wide social circle but feel no strong connections with anyone at all. Those who feel lonely actually spend no more time alone than those who don't.
Loneliness is a very different experience than solitude. Solitude, the conscious desire to be alone, is loneliness of one’s own choice, in which one is comfortable. Internal loneliness without choice, on the contrary, means discomfort - you strive to communicate more with others and want to have more close people, but something in your plans goes wrong.
Loneliness can be different for different people. Many are lonely, despite the fact that they have a lot of exciting acquaintances and unusual activities. Having hundreds or thousands of “friends” on social networks also does not always mean that you have someone to discuss the latest movie with or someone to invite for a cup of coffee. One of the most powerful experiences of loneliness is all those situations when a person is in a crowd of people or with a life partner, but does not feel any connection, but only an all-consuming emptiness and misunderstanding.
Loneliness can mean not having a romantic partner or not having someone to go on vacation with. Loneliness can also be a feeling that accompanies a loss or a feeling of spiritual emptiness. In a broad sense, being lonely means not feeling a meaningful connection with others, with the world, with life, and with yourself.
What is the fear of loneliness called?
Fear of loneliness is a leading experience in several types of anxiety-phobic neuroses:
Autophobia - pathological fear of loneliness, often arising from thoughts of uselessness, long-term separation or termination of relationships with people from close circles.- Isolophobia is a haunting state of fear of living a completely lonely life, of losing all social contacts that mean anything to him.
- Monophobia is the fear of being alone with oneself.
- Agoraphobia is similar in anxiety to monophobia. Only fear manifests itself under certain conditions. For example, on independent long trips, in crowded places or, conversely, in very open spaces. That is, where a person will not be able to get help if his health suddenly worsens.
The best ways to be calm and not nervous in any situation
Family is the foundation of society
The structure of any country literally rests on the institution of marriage. People in pairs reproduce new representatives of their people. They are engaged in education and preparation for the social environment. A person connected by marriage is easier to control legislatively and territorially. It is more profitable to use it economically. In the modern world, a family does not have enough of its own resources to fully satisfy its needs. It becomes the main final point to which production results are sent. Thus, the state is interested in fanning the fear of loneliness. How not to be afraid of becoming an outcast? Find yourself a pair urgently. At any cost.
How to determine the presence of a phobia: signs from psychology
Fears about loneliness periodically visit every person. How to understand that a phobia has already formed that requires treatment: A clear sign of chronic fear is repeated panic attacks that occur in ordinary everyday situations. For example, when parting with loved ones for several days, when the subscriber is unavailable or a response to an SMS message is not received.
The presence of such a symptom as inexplicable anxiety when spending a weekend alone or even one evening alone with oneself can also be observed. A person suffering from autophobia does everything to avoid such circumstances. He plans his time so as not to remain for a long time without communication and company: he constantly asks to visit friends, calls acquaintances, and looks for interlocutors.
Feeling of uselessness. The actions of an isophobe are aimed at requiring close people to constantly confirm their friendship and love. They can torment their friends and family, but all assurances of the sincerity of the relationship do not reduce the degree of his neurosis.
Autophobes are characterized by suspicion. They are always in tension from the thought that their loved ones will sooner or later abandon them or abandon them. In addition, there is a purposeful search for confirmation of one’s anxieties: “he looked at me with a cold gaze,” “he remained silent indifferently,” “he did not meet with me that week.” In cases of a threat of breaking off relations with a significant other, an autophobe may take extreme measures. To force a person to stay, he can resort to blackmail through physical violence or suicide.
Often the fear of unbearable loneliness pushes single men and unmarried women into abnormal relationships. In atophobes, this manifests itself in promiscuity in relationships, both romantic and sexual. They are always ready to start dating the first person who finds them attractive. After a breakup, they plunge into new ones without hesitation. Unable to leave a partner, even if he is dishonest. In order not to be left alone, they endure any insults.
The phobia has a direct connection with chemical and behavioral addictions. Attempts by an autophobe to cope with anxiety often lead to uncontrolled consumption of alcohol, food, and cigarettes. Destructive behavior can manifest itself in addiction to computer games or social networks, or workaholism.
Thus, the internal emptiness is filled. Although the autophobe and his circle do not understand the true reason, trying to get rid of the addiction itself.
Effective tips on what to do if you are sad and want to cry
Testaments of the ancestors
Every sane parent wishes their child happiness. In an attempt to protect the child from unnecessary sorrows, instructive conversations are held with reference to the experience of predecessors. And I want the best. But rarely can anyone admit their mistakes, even for the sake of their beloved offspring. The same judgments about a glass of water in old age and the importance of what people say are persistently passed on by inheritance. Afraid of being left alone, children grow up with the idea that the main goal is to acquire a soul mate at any cost. Even at the expense of your own happiness.
Why does a person get scared when he is alone?
Psychological trauma received in early childhood is usually the reason for the development of the fear of being left alone. Anxiety is formed as a result of the following events that can traumatize the psyche:
- Insufficient physical contact with mother. A baby whose mother leaves him alone for long periods of time experiences despair and horror.
- An adult suffering from autophobia feels the same feelings. Lack of parental attention when the father and mother do not take full part in raising the child. Thus, they condemn the future adult to the fear of being alone with himself. At a minimum, such situations will be perceived as uncomfortable and painful.
- The child was punished by being alone in a locked room.
- Children's severe fear if the child lags behind or gets lost in public places.
- The death of a loved one often causes extreme stress, which can lead to the development of a phobia.
The risk group for developing autophobia includes people who are suspicious, unsure of themselves and their abilities. Such individuals need a strong shoulder on which they can lean when problems arise.
Basically, these are grown up children spoiled by parental attention. They were not given the opportunity to be independent, they were not shown that this was possible.
Division of labor
Long gone are the days when a man ran after a mammoth and a woman kept the fire burning. Emancipation gave women leadership positions and sexual freedom. The service sector has spilled over the streets with numerous food outlets and service centers. But in the minds of fellow citizens, the anxiety that no one would hammer a nail and cook borscht was firmly entrenched. This happens at the suggestion of the same parents who themselves grew up with such values. And also states.
Varieties
The manifestation of phobia in men and women occurs differently. A smile may now appear on the face of skeptics who consider this assumption not entirely logical. But they will not be able to refute the obvious - a man’s reaction to a certain situation will be different from a woman’s.
In men
The strong half of humanity rarely manifests this feeling. For most, collecting women's hearts is the norm of life. And only at the end of life some of the men will be able to experience loneliness in all its ugliness.
But even among the stronger sex there are individuals susceptible to this phobia. The causes of pathology should be sought in provoking factors:
- Othello syndrome. It is typical for such men to see the catch in everything related to adultery. At the same time, they are not averse to going on the side themselves, which leads to even greater jealousy towards their partner. Having fleeting affairs, they do not intend to abandon the woman they love. At the same time, “males” realize that their wives can do the same. This understanding creates fear in men for a possible lonely future.
- Probability of financial insolvency. Some young people are convinced of female commercialism. Yes, it happens that love is replaced by market relations. But the female point of view, that “with a sweetheart there is heaven in a hut,” also takes place. But there are still men who are frightened by the thought of losing the woman they love due to potential bankruptcy. The thought that he might be left alone does not go away, gradually transforming into a phobia.
- Conditions for active business life. The fear of loneliness does not threaten inveterate workaholics, because they love work more than women. They are quite happy with fleeting connections if they do not become an obstacle to their career path. To keep up with success, they are ready not to notice anyone around them. Work comes first. But even among workaholics there are those who dream of a home, family, and children. They understand that a high-intensity work life will not give them the opportunity to have what they want. As a result, a successful, independent man acquires a real phobia.
- Betrayal of a loved one. Many women believe that “a man does not cry, but is upset.” But this is just a phrase from the famous film “Aty-Bati, the soldiers were marching”, and also a myth. Anyone who is betrayed leaves scars on their soul. Gender in this case does not matter. Men are able to react sharply to betrayal or the departure of a beloved woman, which in turn provokes the formation of autophobia.
There are many reasons why this phobia may arise.
Most people believe that showing emotions is unacceptable for the stronger half. Boys are told from childhood “don’t cry, you’re a man!”
However, the position of doctors and psychologists is on the opposite side. They focus on the inappropriateness of gender division in such a situation.
Among women
Only active feminists are not afraid of a hammer drill in inexperienced hands, or repairing electrical wiring according to instructions from the Internet. The majority of women correspond to the accepted opinion in society - they are gentle, defenseless, in need of care.
But no matter what the girl is, no matter how strong her character, symptoms of autophobia can appear under the following circumstances:
Unsuccessful marriage, anxiety about a lonely future after divorce, fear of being left alone after separation. Every woman wants to believe in the heavenly powers that bring about marriage in heaven. But reality is far from such ideas. A passionate admirer, having received legal rights, can transform beyond recognition: from a sweet young man into a domestic tyrant, from a romantic into a quarrelsome miser. From the wonderful candy-bouquet period, couples plunge into everyday life at different paces. The routine of everyday life can destroy even the most ardent feelings. A woman in such a situation has two options: endure it or go in search of new love. Having chosen the first path, the phobia will force it to continue existing in a disgusting environment. And considering the second option, her fears will lead to an awl that can be exchanged for soap.- Consequences of a painful divorce. The decision to divorce and the firm intention to start a new life do not guarantee protection against the development of autophobia. Sad consequences can occur if a woman immediately rushes to look for a new partner. After breaking up a difficult relationship, the method of knocking it out with a wedge will not work. Here it would be more appropriate to give yourself time to restore your peace of mind, avoiding panic and fear of being alone.
- If a loved one cheated or died. The mental state of a woman who has experienced difficult dramatic events can change dramatically. Stress does not allow her to think sensibly, considering ways to get rid of the fear of loneliness. Only after some time will she be able to bring her panic under control.
- He sees no prospects in starting a family. It is not so easy for some women to find a reliable partner. And marriage with the first person they come across is a last resort for them. In the event that numerous attempts to build strong relationships once again end in failure, it is quite possible to develop autophobia.
- Cannot have children. This reason ruins destinies and becomes fatal for many women. Anxiety about a lonely future takes precedence over common sense. Since unrealizable dreams force you to constantly think about the prospects and rationality of relationships.
Women are more emotional than men, so the listed psychological difficulties cause more painful experiences for them. Again, not every psychologist will agree with this position. Some experts believe that much depends not on a person’s gender, but on his confidence in life and his attitude towards the future.
Why are people afraid of the dark and how to get rid of nyctophobia?
Egregors
From the point of view of esoteric teachings, endless human worries about how to stop being afraid of loneliness are explained by the needs of energy pendulums for regular replenishment. Obviously, it is difficult to hook a free person emotionally. If he also lives separately from his relatives, there is simply no leverage. On his own territory, without irritating factors, the individual is calm. And it is not available as an energy resource for egregors.
The problem is solved by imposing stereotypes about lonely people. Comfortable peace is replaced by torment about one’s own inferiority. Mental needs fade into the background. An alarm goes off in my head. Partner search mode is activated.
How to fight: treatment methods
This phobia refers to psychological problems. How can we overcome it? Drug treatment is not required unless symptoms include panic attacks. To get rid of panic attacks, you need to consult a psychiatrist who can recommend specific sedatives and anxiolytics. A course of psychotherapy must be completed regardless of the severity of your health.
Psychotherapy . During psychotherapeutic sessions, the client’s life is studied and analyzed: relationships with loved ones, characteristics of family ties, whether there are traumatic factors - everything that could influence the formation of a phobia.
A psychotherapist helps an autophobe work through existing psychological traumas, build a new attitude towards the world and himself, get rid of destructive perceptions and tune in to the positive side of being alone.
Hypnotherapy . There are many modern methods of getting rid of anxiety-phobic disorders. But one of the most effective and attractive, both for clients and specialists, is hypnotherapy. Getting rid of a problem that has plagued us for years is happening at a fairly fast pace. This may require only 5 to 10 sessions. In addition to being short-term, this method has another advantage: it is used in cases where pharmaceuticals cannot be used.
Help from a psychologist
If you are not yet ready to go to psychological consultation, but feel that your own strength is not enough to overcome fear, listen to the advice of professional psychologists, they will definitely help you:
- Accept the attitude that being alone is a variant of the norm. Some are in a couple, some are alone, both are normal. In order to be a full-fledged person, it is not necessary to communicate with others 24/7.
- Learn to manage your thoughts and change them at will, without getting stuck in negativity. Mindfulness practices will help you with this.
- Be sure to lead a healthy lifestyle. In a healthy body healthy mind. Exercise, healthy eating, sleep patterns, enough clean water. Here is the minimum set in order to feel better in a couple of months.
- Get a pet.
- Don't be afraid to go out. Going to a restaurant, theater, or cinema without company is normal.
- Meet and find friends via the Internet. There are no interests for which you cannot find friends online. And if you live in a small town where no one shares your exotic hobby, then, believe me, on the Internet, you will find many groups of people with whom you will have something to talk about.
Important If, despite all your efforts, your worries do not go away, and the fear of loneliness grows and you begin to notice somatic manifestations - panic attacks, tremors, palpitations, etc. — do not put off visiting a psychotherapist. Remember - phobias, without timely treatment, tend to grow.
Start working with a psychologist right now
Start a consultation
Ways to get rid of this phobia yourself
Feeling the burden of loneliness and being alone are different concepts and states. It all depends on the personal perception of the situation.
Finding the positives
Lately, loneliness has become greatly devalued. It is considered something shameful, negative, and is perceived as a sign of rejection by society. People are in a massive race for popularity and external success. The level of achievement began to be measured by the number of invitations to parties and likes on social networks.
Look at the opportunity to be alone from the other side. Having reconsidered their attitude towards these moments, many begin to love them. And sometimes even greatly appreciate it. Time alone can be used to work on your personality. This is a wonderful chance to know yourself, get to know your inner world, analyze your life and put your thoughts in order!
Find a friend within yourself who can keep you company. You can keep a diary, sharing with him your desires, experiences and worries.
So that time alone with yourself does not seem painful, but is associated with positive emotions, try to make your inner child happy. Move aside household chores and boring activities. You can do whatever you want, however you want. You have no one to justify yourself to. Dance, sing, wear pajamas, play video games. Do what you want - no one will interfere. Loneliness is freedom!
Finding internal resources
To get rid of the feeling of uselessness and fear of being alone, shift your focus from your worries and needs to the problems of other people.
Stop perceiving your loved ones as a source of certain resources - no matter financial or emotional. Show sincere interest in their hopes, experiences, and needs. Help, as much as you can, to make their dreams come true. You can sign up to volunteer. Search teams, boarding schools, nursing homes. Help others not to be alone. Be a source of positive emotions, not just a consumer. After some time, you will not only be able to forget about fear, but also be surprised at how many people will desire your communication and presence.
Look to the root
It is inherent in nature that any individual is born alone. Even multiple pregnancies do not end in mass births. Children come out into this world one at a time. At different times. With individual physical and psychological characteristics.
With the exception of cases of tragic coincidences, in the form of accidents and natural disasters, the transition to another world also takes place in splendid isolation.
How not to be afraid of what is natural? Only by destroying the imposed stereotypes. To do this you will have to disassemble them to the ground.
Not born for myself
The issue of uselessness is most acute among representatives of the fair sex. And how can a woman stop being afraid of loneliness if, from the cradle, she has been tasked with finding a husband and having children? The owner of five higher educations, who has just returned from a trip around the world, will first of all be puzzled by the sacramental question: “When will I get married?” Any personal achievements are devalued in the eyes of society if a lady does not combine them with raising numerous offspring. Sympathetic whispers in the back are guaranteed, which over the years turn into persistent condemnation. A woman without a family is a priori inferior. Without the right to pardon.
Rise and shine
Most problems are created by man himself. There is no doubt that the foundation laid by parents and society is of decisive importance at the beginning of life. But at a conscious age, an individual is obliged to take responsibility for his own life. This also means readiness to start a family.
How not to be afraid of loneliness? Find out what it is in this particular case. Look fear in the eye and understand what exactly scares you. Are customary values true or imposed from the outside? Upon closer inspection, you may find that there is no cause for concern.
Single will is an evil fate
Folklore is built on the belief that life alone is filled with suffering. A prerequisite for a fairy tale with a happy ending is the wedding of the main characters. However, the statistics are inexorable. Every second marriage ends in divorce. Most of those who have kept their families are unhappy in their relationships. The main reasons for many years of joint torment without an attempt to dissolve the union: children and financial difficulties.
But citizens continue to strive to build the next unit of society with the first one who agrees to this. They give birth to children from alcoholics, support drug addicts, endure betrayal and assault. Successive generations are brought up with the belief that family is worth suffering and enduring.
