How to overcome the ego and defeat selfishness

Selfishness as a phenomenon

Selfishness is part of personality. It affects behavior, habits, lifestyle. The more a person succumbs to nature, the stronger the manifestations of this trait. Selfish intentions are difficult to hide, and she herself is sometimes even proud of the way she behaves.

An egoist always puts himself above others due to an incorrect perception of his personality. Such a person cannot see the merits of others. All that is his world is his own ego, so the trait affects concentration.

At its core, this is the creation of an artificial, distorted reality. The egoist does not see the problem, does not notice that his behavior is irrational and abnormal. This trait manifests itself in love, work and social relationships. In such connections there is only the egoist and his immediate needs.

How does it manifest itself?

Selfishness is not a temporary phenomenon, but a permanent character trait. This is not a habit, but a stable pattern of behavior. A person gets used to building his own life around himself. An egoist sincerely believes that he is special, and his abilities are unique and in demand.

How to identify an egoist:

• a person constantly talks about himself and does not know how to listen to others;
• the person is self-confident even without real reasons for it;
• the person is trying to be a leader, it seems to her that her ideas are important and valuable;
• the individual flaunts his achievements in front of others;
• the person does not accept or accept criticism;
• the person is hot-tempered (such people are not tolerant or patient).

In relationships, the egoist is used to only receiving; for him, giving is something unnatural. He perceives his attention as a value that must be earned. An egoist does not know how to sincerely rejoice for other people's achievements if there is no benefit for him in these relationships. Without any benefit, he quickly becomes bored with any business that is self-obsessed. If the people around him play along or indulge him, the egoist sees no reason for internal changes.

Long live healthy selfishness!

Accepting yourself means realizing your own worth, your full right to live, breathe, rejoice, suffer, make life choices, take care of yourself and others. This means being a healthy egoist. I emphasize - healthy. However, in our culture, any selfishness is condemned, so there are only a few people among us who truly accept themselves.

Self-acceptance does not cancel self-development and self-criticism. By loving yourself with all your strengths and weaknesses, you give yourself the right to make mistakes, admit them, correct them and not be afraid. Self-acceptance has nothing to do with narcissism and narcissism. People who are obsessed with themselves do not accept themselves. A person who has come to terms with himself is filled with self-respect. This helps you withstand difficult situations. For example, if in a relationship with your loved one you begin to realize that you are losing yourself as a person, you decide to break up with him. Yes, the decision is painful, but you do it to save yourself. The main criterion for a healthy relationship (love, family, friendship) is maintaining the self-respect of all parties. You take care of both yours and your partner, just as he takes care of your self-respect and his.

Fighting selfishness

In most cases, a person’s inner circle worries about how to get rid of selfishness. Over the years, complex character traits worsen. The egoist becomes indifferent and callous. If at a young age narcissism and excessive self-confidence are attributed to youthful maximalism, then over the years harmless character traits degenerate into cruelty and indifference.

Why it is necessary to fight selfishness:

• self-obsession excludes the correct adaptation of the individual to a new place;
• concentration of attention decreases, a person cannot notice changes in both strangers and close people;
• It is difficult for egoists to build a harmonious family;
• This makes it difficult for people to raise children.

You can defeat selfishness if you find the strength to admit that such a problem exists. At this stage, an important role is assigned to relatives and friends. If the egoist himself has suffered from his own obsession, he will have to cope with the problem on his own. To fight, you need to work with thinking.

Coping methods

In cases where selfishness develops, you can get rid of it by looking at your own life from the outside. This is not just an analysis of current situations. The person must see how certain habits or behaviors lead to negative results.

For an egoist who always knows best what he needs, the opinions of the people around him are of little importance. He doesn't believe in being imperfect. Accepting self-harm is the most difficult task for a narcissistic, selfish person.

You can get rid of selfishness in this way:

• find the reason;
• take a course of psychoanalysis or engage in self-development (selfish people rarely turn to specialists for help);
• develop healthy habits;
• change your lifestyle (your behavior pattern will change, your thinking will change).

The egoist can change gradually. For him, these changes should be natural. A conscious decision will allow you to lose doubts. If an egoist is forced to change, he turns into a pretender, and the problem only gets worse.

How to stop being selfish?

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If you are worried that you are too selfish and want to change something in your life, do the following:

• Put yourself in the other person's shoes

You can make an effort to think about other people around you and try to understand how they might feel in a given situation. Consider how your parents, your friend, your boss, or a random person on the street feel and think before you take any action, and you may find that the world is not so simple and straightforward. The more you practice empathy and immerse yourself in what other people are experiencing, the sooner you can let go of selfishness.

• Remember that you are not more important than anyone else

Selfish people constantly think that they are the center of the universe and that the world should revolve around them. The world is a huge and absolutely amazing place, and you are just one small part of it.

• Don't let your past dictate your future

Perhaps all your friends, colleagues and neighbors think you are the most selfish person in the world. But learn to move forward. Other people may question your motives when you try to do something selfless. Let this only encourage you to be less selfish.

• Think not about what you want, but about what you need

Selfish people always repeat this mantra: “I want, I want, I want...”, thinking that everything in the world should belong to them. Stop and ask yourself if you really need these five sweaters. It's wise to simplify your life and give up some of the things you thought you needed. This is a great skill that teaches you to compromise. You may be more accommodating with other people.

• Be proud of other people

Let go of feelings of envy or bitterness and enjoy the success of others. Stop trying to be the bride at every wedding. Be proud of other people for achieving something instead of wishing you were in their place.

• Accept criticism

Selfish people always think that their way of life is perfect, that the one who gives them advice wants to harm them. Of course, you shouldn't believe all the criticism. But if a lot of people are telling you the same thing, maybe you should listen? Would you like to know how you can improve yourself as a person? We are sure so.

• Make a list of things you are grateful for.

Make it a habit to write down everything you are grateful for at least once a week. Take the time to think about every single thing that makes your life truly happy, and don't waste time on the things you don't have or the things you wish you had. Selfish people are never completely satisfied and always want more, more, more. If you want to stop being selfish, you have to realize that you already have a lot of amazing things in your life.

• Be selfless

If you want to stop being selfish, look for opportunities to help your friends just because they need help, not for some ulterior motive.

• Be a good listener

In any conversation there should be about a 50/50 exchange of ideas. Selfish people are more focused on themselves than on other people, so they actually don't listen to those around them at all.

• Show interest in people

Being an attentive listener is a great way to show interest in them. Another thing you can do is ask people questions. The next time you talk to someone, commit to talking 20% ​​less, not interrupting, and being genuinely interested in what the other person is saying.

• Do charity work

Volunteering can make you see that there are many people in the world who are much less fortunate than you.

• Get a pet

Go to the shelter and choose a cute kitten or puppy and make it your best friend. Dogs require a lot of responsibility. Taking on responsibilities will definitely help you stop being selfish.

• Help people you know during difficult times.

When your friends, family, or even your neighbors are going through difficult times, be there for them. People rarely admit that they need help, even if they clearly need it.

• Learn to share

Selfish people have hated sharing from the moment they were given their first rubber ducky. So, it's time to get rid of it. Try sharing what you love with a loved one. Offer a dress for a friend to make her shine on a date, or a delicious sandwich for a colleague at lunch.

• Stop talking about yourself

Selfish people constantly talk about their needs and their desires. If you feel like everything you said was about you and not about the world around you, and that your friend barely understood anything, then it's time to change this behavior.

• Give gifts

Selfish people hate spending money on others and giving away their things. Make it a goal to give one small gift a month to show people how much you appreciate them. It will really make you feel better.

Finding the reason

You can get rid of a psychological problem only through working with your thinking. Selfishness is not actions, but the thought that contributes to these actions. Reasons for the development of a narcissistic and indifferent personality:

• defensive reaction: in the process of personality formation, the child learns to understand the world, stable concepts and behavior patterns are formed; parents perceive changes in the child as manifestations of character, but in fact, with the help of self-obsession, the child isolates himself from what is happening; he can hide from situations that are unpleasant for him (this is what children suffering from domestic violence do); Those whose families did not devote enough time and love also grow up to be proud - through selfishness, an adult compensates for childhood trauma;
• improper upbringing: parents who try to instill false self-confidence in a child only harm him further; the baby does not know how to see his true strengths, he is sure that the people around him are unable to appreciate all his talents; when controversial issues arise, the child relies on the beliefs of his parents, and not on the opinions of others, excessive self-confidence, not supported by real facts, turns into the basis of selfishness;
• bad role model: absent upbringing, when the child is not harmed (they do not lower self-esteem), and does not help, does not inspire self-confidence, the child looks for a role model on the side; the baby chooses any adult who seems successful to him.

If you find the reason, you will be able to find a way to correct the wrong thinking.

Recognizing the problem

To get rid of a problem, you need to see it. Egoists do not try to find vulnerabilities in themselves (this behavior is dictated by fear, and not by the confidence that they do not exist). First you need to look at yourself as a stranger. Understand that this person can make mistakes, make mistakes unknowingly.

The assumption that a problem may exist allows you to look at yourself from a different perspective. Whatever the reason for selfishness, it is necessary to look at how it negatively affects the life and relationships of an individual. Such an analysis is unpleasant, but necessary.

Why are people with low self-esteem selfish?

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Dr. Barb Markway believes that confident people are less self-focused. He also explained why low self-esteem often leads to selfishness:

• Insecure people tend to think that others won't need their help.

For example, a student wants to offer to read a classmate’s thesis, but thinks: “He probably doesn’t want me to give him my comments.” People guess and don't even try to ask. Practical tip: If you tend to be insecure, ask yourself, “What kind of help would I offer to others if I were more confident?” Try reaching out and see if it helps you feel more confident.

• When you worry, you become self-absorbed for a long time

Remember the last time you were worried about something and involved your loved ones in your worries? If you tend to worry about small things, you will certainly not have time for others. These feelings put us in a self-protective mode, in which we mainly think about ourselves and our (physical or psychological) safety.

• Low confidence makes you see everything as a threat

Insecure people feel that everything they have achieved could be taken away at any moment. For example, a colleague reaches out to you and asks, “Would you like to collaborate with me on this project?” An insecure person receiving this request may think, “If I say yes, the person will realize that I am not as experienced as he thought. He will know about my shortcomings." So they say no. They don't want to bother, and the easiest thing to do is refuse.

Practical advice: Whenever you feel threatened, ask yourself whether it is really a threat, or whether you are presented with a unique opportunity that should not be missed.

• Vicious circle

If you are self-centered and never try to offer help to others, people will tend to see you as selfish because that is how you behave. In a conversation with a friend who wants your support, you may not notice this and start talking about yourself. This behavior alienates those closest to you, making you think that you are a terrible person. And such thoughts only increase self-doubt. And she strengthens selfishness. Vicious circle. But this does not mean that nothing can be done.

Psychoanalysis as an option for recovery

Deep psychoanalysis helps people who cannot change their own thinking. In most cases, these are people with mental disorders who deny the problem until the last moment. Egoists are very stubborn; they do not want to allow such a possibility (in front of the doctor or the people around them).

When a person hears the suggestion that she is self-obsessed, she does not show doubt, but a defensive reaction - aggression or anger. Contacting a psychoanalyst will allow you to explore a person, see how many unconscious attitudes she uses in everyday life and does not even realize it.

Developing Empathy

During psychoanalysis, it is useful for an egoist to develop new skills, including empathy. Empaths are people who subtly sense the world around them. These are sometimes weak and sincere people. They listen carefully to the interlocutor, imbued with his condition.

In psychology, such people are called mirror images: they receive an emotion, accept it, and give it back with greater force. For an egoist, learning such skills is not only useful, but also pleasant. By opening himself to the world and other people, he will gain a new unforgettable experience.

How to live with a selfish husband

Someone changes their own behavior and attitude, someone learns to live and adapt to the kind of life that exists, and someone is looking for options on how to re-educate a selfish husband. The last case is the most energy-consuming and the most difficult to implement, because the main reasons for selfishness are laid down in childhood and are conditioned by upbringing, it is unrealistic to re-educate an already mature man, you can only count on a slight adjustment of qualities and their manifestations. But, despite the obvious failure of the event, many women choose to re-educate their partner, being confident in their omnipotence or denying problems on their own side, although in second place among the reasons for selfish behavior is how the other person allows themselves to be treated. Those. when from the first minutes of acquaintance a woman constantly pushes her own boundaries, tries to be comfortable, refuses help, is silent about troubles, but at the same time rushes around a man with a fan, the natural reaction will be to perceive this behavior as the norm (from this particular woman, with others, not allowing you to throw your legs over your neck, there will be no selfish manifestations).

Many women do not note general indifference, but are interested in what to do if the husband is selfish in intimate terms, in shopping, in relaxation, or in some other chosen topic. A person cannot be insensitive or indifferent selectively, and a lack of attention at a particular moment speaks more of ignorance of the situation than of selfishness (it is easier to portray attention in a selected area than in the majority). Try to talk openly, tell your complaints, find out the reasons for such behavior. Shame is inappropriate here, because otherwise you will continue to endure, and your spouse will think that everything is fine. After spending a lot of time in this state, you risk breaking into a scandal instead of an adult conversation, and the person closest to you will sit in bewilderment, because all this time he considered everything that was happening to be the norm and was sure that you were happy with it.

If your husband is lazy and selfish, but still loved, and you decide not to consider divorce as an option to solve the problem, then you will have to reconsider your attitude towards life, yourself and the requirements in a relationship. If we proceed from the concept that people with a set of certain qualities (including shortcomings) meet along the path of life to learn a lesson and gain experience, then from the selfish behavior of a spouse you can organize your own spiritual practice and self-improvement, instead of constant complaints to friends and bitter self-pity .

The first thing that close proximity to an egoist can teach is self-love, instead of demanding it from others. After all, when you complain about his selfishness, you want more help and participation, care and rest, so arrange them for yourself instead of burdening yourself with problems. Take care of your body and go for a massage, instead of tearing out an apartment alone, buy yourself a laptop from the family budget so as not to adjust to the release schedule, buy yourself trips to the places you want to visit. When people see how others value and pamper themselves, they want to do such things for a person, and when they see how constantly complaining and always busy and tired, they just want to move to a safe distance.

When your husband doesn’t do anything around the house and it infuriates you, then this is a reason to think about your own desires and prohibitions. What irritates us most about others is the fulfillment of our own suppressed desires, so why not allow them to come true? No one has ever died from a mess, and if this condition lasts for several weeks. Maybe. Your spouse will take care of the cleaning. The division of household responsibilities, by the way, also helps a lot to normalize relationships - you unload yourself by doing only your own part, and do not touch his part. This is a kind of therapy for the boundaries of personality and responsibility, the main task of which will not be to force the other to fulfill his part of the contract, but simply to be silently responsible for the fulfillment of those things that were yours. If it doesn’t work out in silence, and lying down and enjoying doing nothing together is problematic, when your soul yearns to tell an adult man what to do and demand strict compliance with what was said, then the problem lies not in his selfishness, but in your desire for control and dictatorship.

Attempts to change a person do not lead to the imagined results and the goals that were set - with strong pressure and aggressive training, you will ruin the relationship; in other options, achievements will be far from the intended plan. Your task is to learn to live together, try to accept his characteristics, and if this is impossible, then get a divorce. Learning to live together does not mean adapting to the eternal desires of your spouse and playing the role of a goldfish; on the contrary, you need to firmly hold your own boundaries, learn not to indulge his capricious behavior and defend your own free time, desires and needs.

Such work requires a lot of mental investment, because you need to not make a scandal and pour tons of your dissatisfaction mixed with insults on your husband, but remain calm and impartial. In addition to constantly monitoring your own positions (one who is accustomed only to the fulfillment of his desires will constantly test you for compliance), you will have to face your own personal maturation.

Developing healthy habits

In getting rid of this mindset, it is important to understand how to get rid of selfishness in relationships, at work and at home. It is necessary to track what actions upset the people around you. Habits change that only benefit the egoist. Before every important decision, he analyzes who else will benefit from future actions.

If a situation benefits only the egoist, it should be avoided. Gradually, a proud person will develop a new strategy of behavior. New activities, hobbies or travel will help you overcome incorrect mental attitudes. A change of environment has a beneficial effect on thinking and perception of the world around us.

Philosophy. The principle of selfishness

And now all minds are in a fog, Morality makes us sleepy, Vice is amiable - even in a novel, And there it triumphs. The British muse's fables disturb the sleep of a young woman, And now her idol has become Or a brooding Vampire, Or Melmoth, a gloomy tramp, Or the Eternal Jew, or a Corsair, Or the mysterious Sbogar. Lord Byron, by a lucky whim, clothed himself in dull romanticism and hopeless selfishness. A. S. Pushkin. Eugene Onegin Chapter 3, XII

The principle of egoism as a universal principle of human activity was recognized during the Enlightenment. The term egoism itself appeared in the 18th century. French thinkers of the 18th century formulated the theory of “reasonable egoism,” believing that the basis of morality is correctly understood self-interest (“reasonable selfishness,” Helvetius) [1].

of the theory of reasonable egoism in the article “Anthropological principle in philosophy” (Sovremennik, 1860, No. 4)

. It was partly illustrated by Chernyshevsky’s novel “What is to be done?” (1863):

- So, it’s true what cold practical people say, that a person is controlled only by calculation of profit?

- They are telling the truth. What are called sublime feelings, ideal aspirations - all this in the general course of life is completely insignificant in comparison with everyone’s desire for his own benefit, and at the root itself consists of the same desire for benefit.

— N. G. Chernyshevsky. What to do? From stories about new people. The publication was prepared by T. I. Ornatskaya and S. A. Reiser. Leningrad: Nauka, 1975 (Literary monuments), P. 68.

Soviet geneticist V.P. Efroimson believed that reasonable egoism is transmitted at the genetic level, as it is formed in the process of a long struggle for existence and natural selection of not one individual, but a group of people connected by a common goal [2]:

Naturally, ... among the many humanoid species with which man was in the struggle for life, the species survived in which the sense of mutual support was more developed, the one in which the sense of social self-preservation took precedence over the sense of personal self-preservation, which could sometimes influence damage to a clan or tribe.

- P. A. Kropotkin, “Ethics”, St. Petersburg.-M. 1922, T. 1, P. 207

Egoism is sometimes identified with individualism and contrasted with altruism and conciliarity.

Egoism can be rational and irrational. In the first case, the egoist evaluates the possible consequences of his actions and acts in accordance with expediency. In the second case, the egoist acts impulsively and short-sightedly. [ source not specified 1048 days

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