Reasons for unrequited love
By the term “unrequited love,” psychologists understand emotional attachment to a person who does not experience tender feelings in return or gives false hopes. Despite the positive emotional connotation of love experiences, unrequited attraction often becomes the cause of depression, insomnia, neuroses, somatic diseases, alcoholism and even suicide attempts.
Everyone has encountered unrequited feelings in their youth. Choosing the cutest, most confident young man among her classmates, not every girl receives courtship and an invitation to a date in return. Unrequited love for a guy hurts and causes a colossal drop in self-esteem.
What are the reasons that a woman can remain captive of one-sided love for many years, and does not see a way out of this situation? There are often people who are pathologically unlucky in love, without trying to understand the reasons for what is happening, and not wanting to learn lessons from failures, with each new fiasco they fall deeper and deeper into the abyss of their own suffering. In psychology, there is a concept - a tendency to unrequited feelings; it is formed in a person with low self-esteem. Who runs the risk of not receiving reciprocation?
- If in childhood it was not explained to the child that he is a miracle in himself. Looking for confirmation of your own originality from other people is stupid. This usually happens to children who have received little praise. When entering adulthood, a girl should know that you cannot force someone to love you, and it is important not to forget about self-esteem.
- Those who have not been able to psychologically leave behind some failure and remain in the state of an offended child for the whole world. “Have pity on me, because no one needs me, no one loves me.” An endless series of sufferings, a dull look, an inability to overcome difficulties - how can such a young lady attract a guy with a cheerful laugh and an enthusiastic reaction to his attention?
- The sufferer’s heart is closed to new relationships, she is in endless mental communication with the object of her adoration, afraid to look around and see that there are many worthy guys nearby who are ready to become more than just friends. But forgetting about mental pain means admitting your insolvency. What if, at the moment when she pays attention to a new admirer, her beloved comes to his senses and takes a step forward?
- If in a girl’s family there was no mutual trust, love and respect between her parents, it is difficult for her to imagine that she can live with an open soul, not keep secrets from each other and enjoy every moment spent together. A young lady in love catches the man's gaze, hoping for change. The absence of attempts to explain to herself that it is time to change her life suggests that she is satisfied with this state of affairs.
- Girls who do not know how to formulate life goals. They can't understand what they want. Looking for love? For what? This is the one he dreams about at night! It doesn’t matter that he is married, or that he is not interested in her, but love lives in her heart, even if it causes pain.
How to start a conversation
Faced with love fever, teenagers rarely rush to mom and dad, even if family relationships are good. This is fine! Nevertheless, parents inevitably become characters in the drama. The roles assigned to adults, however, are clearly not stellar: “They won’t understand me,” “They only care about grades!”
Gary Chapen, in his book “5 Ways to a Teenager’s Heart,” emphasizes that during adolescence, a child needs emotional independence. You casually ask about friends of the opposite sex and immediately receive a rebuff: “Mind your own business!” It's a shame, but understandable: a teenager in love grows up rapidly.
If a conversation about feelings doesn't go well, Champen offers helpful phrases: “I know that sometimes you don't want to share your thoughts and feelings with me. And I understand this. But if you want to talk, know that I’m always ready.” The option is simpler: “If you need my help, just tell me.” These words will give the teenager the opportunity to feel loved and protected while maintaining independence. This will make it easier for him to ask for help when he really needs it.
Why doesn't a man love
Perhaps he is bound by obligations, the short-term relationship was just a temporary hobby. The violent passion subsided over time, and the partner ceased to be interested in the girl.
The most difficult case is when, after many years of marriage, the husband finds consolation on the side. A married elderly woman, in a state of extreme stress, sends him out to enjoy his happiness, and then suffers from unrequited love and is tormented by doubts: was she in a hurry?
It is unbearable to remain alone, adult children live in their own interests, such a situation can cause severe depression, and it will be difficult to cope without the help of loved ones.
How does mental pain manifest itself?
Recognizing mental pain is actually not difficult. It happens that a person tries to hide his feelings from others, but most often this turns out badly, and suffering becomes noticeable.
There are many manifestations of mental pain
:
- Reluctance to leave the house
. The sufferer does not expect anything good from the world around him and tries to hide from it. He wants to hide in the darkest corner of his home and become invisible to everyone. Typically, this behavior only lasts for a while, after which the person’s strength is restored, but there are also advanced cases when the reluctance to leave the house becomes permanent. - Feeling of despair and melancholy
. This feeling is natural and does not need to be suppressed; however, plunging headlong into it is also harmful. It seems to the sufferer that life is ending and thoughts of suicide appear. Against this background, depression can develop, and in the most severe form. To drown out negative feelings, many begin to use alcohol and drugs, and this can develop into addiction. - Nervous consequences
. These could be fears, anxious thoughts, and even the appearance of a rash on the body. Such consequences indicate a person’s inability to work on himself and comprehend the situation.
The benefits of unrequited love
Paradoxically, unrequited love for a man also has its positive sides. By trying to realize what keeps you in a relationship that doesn’t exist, you will see the advantages of this state of affairs.
- By creating in her mind the ideal image of her loved one, the woman is left alone, she does not have to put up with the habits of her companion, or be irritated by his possible sloppiness or bad manners. The virtual partner absolutely corresponds to her ideas about the ideal man, he is perfect in every sense and much better than the earthly one, made of flesh and blood.
- In such relationships, the girl does not overcome her complexes. In dreams of meetings with the object of desire, she is relaxed and irresistible, her partner never tires of admiring her beauty and sexuality. If a woman is overly complex, she will unconsciously choose an unrequited feeling in order to avoid acute moments when she will inevitably have to deal with fear of relationships, excessive shyness or the need to give up bad habits.
- It happens that a girl is not yet ready to share her bed with someone every day, change her lifestyle, or pay a lot of attention. The reasons can be very different, as a result, it is too early to enter into a real relationship, but there is a spiritual attachment, and everything seems to be the same for everyone.
- By asking for advice on how to get over unrequited love, a tormented woman in love receives a fair amount of sympathy. People around are ready to come to the rescue to make life easier for the already unfortunate poor thing. Colleagues take on part of the work, family members help with everyday problems, and girlfriends are always ready to listen. This is how the girl satisfies the ordinary human need for attention.
- Experiencing unrequited love, a woman does not think about what to do. Her life seems filled with emotions. Every glance, word, ordinary greeting paints life with bright colors, it seems that just a little more and what you dreamed about at night will happen.
- One-sided emotional attachment does not prevent a woman from accepting signs of attention from other men; scenes of jealousy do not threaten her.
- Perhaps the girl is afraid of loneliness, and thus tries to fill her life with feelings.
- In an effort to get the object of her passion, a lady in love tries to prove to herself and those around her that she is able to interest a man.
- The bar in choosing a life partner is too high. You only need this one, or no one else.
- I like life in the kingdom of delusions and expectations.
When does your first love occur?
In the last century, the first amorous dramas of adolescence occurred at the age of 13–15; today, unhappy love is slightly younger. It affects children as early as 12 years old, and some, more often girls, can “get sick” at 10. Attacks of traumatic love occur up to the age of 21.
Alas, the sooner a child encounters the first feeling, the more likely it is that it will turn out to be unhappy: it is equally difficult for children to love and to be loved. Accept sympathy without fear of ridicule, make friends without looking at the status of your chosen classmate, how cool and popular he is.
The gender stereotype ascribes to boys the right to choose; it is easier for them to hide behind the excuse: “I don’t like anyone yet.” For girls, the very expectation of love can be painful: “I’m unhappy because no one pays attention to me.” Sometimes there are no obvious indications that a teenager is already experiencing drama, but he suddenly begins to talk about his friends’ affairs. Make it clear that you are open to talking about love, even if it’s someone else’s: “Why do you think Katya chose Max?”, “Do they meet often?”, “Has she become happier?” etc. It’s better not to ask direct questions like: “How are you doing on the personal front?” The teenager may perceive this as a violation of boundaries and withdraw.
What to do in case of one-sided love
How to survive unrequited love and how long can such a feeling last? If you have been waiting for calls and SMS for six months, your heart begins to beat faster when you meet, and he walks by and does not take any steps towards you, you should think about whether you are destroying yourself?
Every woman deserves love, adoration, compliments, and family happiness. Continuing to love a person who did not want to return your feelings, you are simply wasting your time. Perhaps somewhere nearby there is someone who will fill your life with warmth, you just have to look around.
Try to realize that love and the desire to possess are not the same thing. If you are sincere in your feelings, let the object of your love decide for himself who to be with. Sincerely wish him happiness, do not torment him with reminders of your love.
On a piece of paper, write down point by point what keeps you in this relationship? Formulate in detail and clearly. Psychologists believe that people who experience unrequited love are confident that they are unable to attract a worthy person, and are afraid to be left alone with themselves. Such fears may be the only reasonable explanation for such a situation.
Think about what steps you expect from a potential partner. You may have already realized that he is “not your” person, but it is so pleasant to be in a familiar state of comfort. Remember, did he humiliate you when sorting out the relationship, did you previously have a desire to end one-sided affection, which forced you to fight for his love?
Perhaps he takes advantage of your affection? His ego is stroked by the love of an intelligent, beautiful woman, and he is not going to change anything in his life, since for a long time he has not made attempts to get closer.
Popular wisdom says “from love to hate there is one step.” Do not allow a bright feeling, even if it hurts, to develop into anger and disgust. This is especially important for ex-spouses.
Emotions will go away over time, but human relationships will remain. Be wiser than your ex, do not allow words and actions for which you may be ashamed later. Try to remember the good things that connected you? It's stupid to waste your life on suffering.
How to get rid of unrequited love for a man? Without parting with your own illusions, you won’t be able to stop loving. Only by realizing the inevitability of this step will you slowly begin to move towards recovery.
Say goodbye to him in your heart. How will you do this? At first, you will have to strictly control your thoughts, weaning yourself from the habit of talking to yourself with your lover. Replace with anything, hum a phrase from your favorite song, repeat “everything is fine, but it will be even better” or a quote from the famous movie “I am the most charming and attractive.”
Sick, abnormal love: how to make such a diagnosis?
As one of the heroes of the popular sitcom “Univer” said, love is an irrational feeling. In other words, the feeling of tenderness and affection for a particular person is logically impossible to explain.
Often, love hurts a lot in cases that have nothing to do with pathology.
Pathological feeling, according to the observations of psychologists, can be manifested by the following symptoms:
- The desire to constantly be close to the object of desire.
- Strong jealousy, reluctance to share your loved one with friends, colleagues, or even his relatives.
- Willingness to endure any bullying from him. Even if a loved one constantly humiliates, drives away, or resorts to physical violence, he still receives forgiveness.
- A feeling of intense pain from understanding his indifference.
Doctors call this feeling love neurosis. They say that such pathological attachment usually occurs in people who have a predisposition to it.
