Disease of the 21st century
Nowadays, no matter how sad it is to realize, the concept of “depression” has become commonplace. Because of its prevalence and frequency, it is called a disease of the 21st century. There are many reasons for its appearance: the loss of a loved one, fears, phobias and anxieties, low self-esteem, psychological trauma and much more.
Depression comes from an internal conflict with your current state of affairs.
You feel bad and don’t want to do anything, there is no incentive to live and be happy, constant sadness and apathy, no strength and energy for anything - clear signs of depression.
One should distinguish between a temporary state of sadness, a bad mood and complete despair, a state of hopelessness. The presence of the latter indicates the mandatory need to take action and improve the condition. After all, sadness and despair step by step poison a person and make him lose interest in life, and sometimes even life itself.
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How to help a depressed person
Every week, “Things Like This” answers questions asked by readers. Today we will talk about depression, or rather about how to be a good friend for a person who finds himself in this condition.
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About one in four people have experienced depression at least once in their life. Although sometimes we wring our hands and call depression just an attack of bad mood. It is necessary to distinguish between the blues, a mild depressive state (minor depression, subdepression) and real clinical depression, which can last for several months.
Clinical depression is characterized by three main symptoms:
- Bad mood. But not the kind that usually happens after a hard day or week. With depression, a person loses the ability to rejoice and does not enjoy usual things - food, communication with friends, sex, music, movies. This condition is called anhedonia.
- Thinking disorder. It is difficult for a depressed person to think; it feels like thoughts are “like jelly.” Work is done more slowly.
- Motor retardation. Depression is always accompanied by a constant feeling of fatigue. It is extremely difficult to force yourself to go somewhere in this state.
If these symptoms are observed for more than a month, then this is a reason to consult a doctor, but you can cope with mild depression on your own, with the help of loved ones and psychotherapy. But loved ones should remember a few simple rules - what to do and what they should never say. This is what psychologists recommend.
Let the person experience this state
Suppose your loved one experienced a setback, his expectations were not fulfilled, his plans were not realized. He is very upset, he is not happy with what he usually likes. Don't rush him. Saying the phrases: “Stop thinking about it!” or “We need to move forward!” - it is forbidden. The state of sadness is not so bad for a person. Sadness allows you to rest a little after the race that happened before, come to your senses, rethink, and then smoothly get out of this state.
Speak honestly
“Yes, you didn’t manage to achieve your goal, but let’s rest and try again, if you want, no, then you’ll try yourself in something else.”
Don't discount failure
Phrases: “Forget”, “Stop”, “Your failures don’t mean anything” will only make things worse. A person can and should learn a lesson from his failures. It just takes time.
Recognize the importance of this situation
“Yes, you tried, it didn’t work out, but it’s very important that you did it! The feelings you are experiencing now are very important. Sadness, loss of strength - all this is natural, but I am here and will help you.”
Be careful with jokes
You should not make rude jokes, mock, or sneer at the situation. Of course, it’s hard when someone close to you is in a bad mood, you want him to smile and not walk around gloomy. It may seem that if you joke and make fun of the situation, he will immediately cheer up and everything will immediately go smoothly. But most likely it will only get worse. Any rude intrusion or criticism will prevent you from getting out of a depressive state.
Don't force
Forcibly dragging a person to parties and outings in a depressed state is strictly prohibited. The mistake is that when we see a depressed person, we want to give him energy of life. We say: “Look how great it all is!” But a person is simply physically unable to appreciate this. When he sees how people enjoy life, this only worsens his condition, he begins to wonder: “Why can’t I do that?”
No aggression
Seeing that a person is closing himself off even more, in no case should you say aggressively: “Why are you still sad?”, “Why are you sitting and being sad?”, “Get yourself together, you rag!” Such phrases are prohibited even as a joke.
Be patient
There is no need to do anything excessive, be more restrained and calm. But if the condition of a person close to you does not improve within a month, this is a reason to consult a psychotherapist or psychiatrist. Perhaps we are talking about clinical depression, which needs to be treated with medication.
Help get rid of the fear of specialists
Many patients with clinical depression are afraid to go to a psychotherapist or psychiatrist. They think: “What if this is something worse than just depression, what if I’m going crazy” or “I can handle it on my own.” Close people at this moment should gently and carefully explain: “You know, it looks like it’s depression, and I read that it can be completely cured. We will find a way out. Let's go to a specialist together. I think this will help you get out of this state.”
Stay close
Be close or nearby so your friend always knows that if they need help, they will have someone to turn to.
Thank you for reading to the end!
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Understand and accept
Any recovery occurs through acceptance. Sometimes, in order to avoid painful sensations, we hide true feelings from ourselves and loved ones and do not want to admit them. Recognizing what makes us feel bad and depressed is the first step to recovery. Knowing what hurts you gives you 3 options: avoid, change, or accept. If you have the opportunity, try to change or avoid. If not, humble yourself and accept it.
If you want to be happy, be it! How to cope with depression? More details
Make good jokes
When a person is depressed, sarcasm and cynicism may be perceived more painfully and sensitively than usual. Even if this person is your friend with whom you have been joking like this all your life, during a period of depression it is better to slightly change the format of communication. The fact is that one of the symptoms of depression is constant self-flagellation and painful self-criticism, and sarcastic jokes can be taken seriously. But you can and even need to joke and laugh kindly. Through humor you can show that you support the person, that you are nearby. And even if it seems a little superficial to him, he will feel your sincere support and desire to help, and will perceive it with gratitude. It won't cure his depression, but it will ease his suffering.
Practice meditation and development
Focusing your thoughts and putting them in order can rewire your brain to heal. If you purposefully and thoughtfully begin to control your thoughts and yourself, then your brain, body and mind will be able to work harmoniously, paying attention to the joys of life that have long been forgotten.
Constant visualization of your desires and auto-training help a lot. They provide an opportunity to take a fresh look at yourself and your capabilities. Self-confidence increases, and new programs appear in the head that tune the brain to positive thinking.
Obsession with any problem gives rise to its protracted nature. Therefore, it is necessary to find a place (hobby) where you will unwind and draw energy. It is not for nothing that poets and artists in this state produced masterpieces that are valuable to this day.
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— What to do if a person is hysterical, and he says, conditionally: “Everything is bad. I will die"?
- Everyone will die. As the saying goes, “No one gets out of here alive.” We need to help the person switch his attention to the positive aspects of his condition. As the heroine of Porter's book, Pollyanna was glad when she was given children's crutches that she did not need them. It is necessary to help a sick person find the good sides in his condition. To the point of banality - you can see, but some are blind from birth. You can walk, talk, hear. It all depends, of course, on the disease and its degree. But sometimes a person simply does not notice these obvious things.
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The topic of death in modern society is highly taboo. But you can’t escape from it either. This is what awaits everyone in the future. Absolutely. Saying, “You will not die,” is stupid. It is better to try to switch the attention of your loved one to something else, so that he “no longer wants to die.” But this should not be from a series of long-term perspectives like - “What will happen to the parents/children/cats/dogs?” Otherwise, there may be a new round of depression. It’s better if these are short-term tasks with a bit of irony - “If you don’t watch the new episode of your favorite movie,” “If you don’t try my new pie, I’ll be upset.”
Set your priorities and follow them
The more time you spend doing things that excite and delight you, the happier your life will be. The more you engage in routine activities that make you feel bored and disgusted, the more unhappy you will be. Ask your family to help you with household chores during your troubles to quickly get on the path to recovery.
Determine your main values in life and think about what qualities prevent you from achieving them. Are you too quick to give up, always pessimistic, aggressive and impatient, too soft-hearted and unable to resist public opinion? Start working on yourself and stay on track with your planned list of priorities and values. Nothing happens to someone who does nothing, so any success is achieved through labor and effort.
Stay close
If a person who is depressed does not live alone, then his family and loved ones should continue to lead normal lives and not show with all their appearance that there is a sick person in the house. For a person with depression, this will mean that life goes on and that they are expected to return to normal life. If a person lives alone, friends can visit him in turn. This is exactly what is required in the process of cognitive behavioral psychotherapy - the specialist helps the patient literally create a schedule of meetings with friends so that he spends as little time as possible alone. At the same time, it is not at all necessary to force him to sit in a chair in front of you and read a book to him. Observe his condition and decide how best to spend his time. Sometimes it’s enough just to talk or sit on a bench, but you can also go to the movies or play sports together. The less a person with depression becomes self-absorbed and the more they are in the company of other people, the faster recovery occurs.
Convince you to see a psychologist
Some people suffering from depression do not know that they can turn to a specialist, it simply does not occur to them. Some of them do not believe in their depression, while others do not believe in the help of psychotherapists. In all these cases, it can be shown that not only he, but also you, his loved ones, suffer from the patient’s condition. Try using arguments like this: “We are all very worried that you are feeling so bad and want you to get better quickly. There is a specialist who will speed up your recovery. If you don’t want to go to him for your own sake, then at least go for our sake. It really hurts us to see you in this state.”
Being around someone who suffers from depression can be very difficult, especially if you care about that person.
Explain to the person what his condition looks like from the outside. Depending on the symptoms, he may behave irritably, aggressively, cry often and not talk to anyone - it is important to tell and describe all this to him, since the patient is not always able to see the whole picture. Perhaps this will convince him that something serious is happening to him, and he will agree to seek help from a specialist.
Encourage her to feel gratitude
The next method to get your wife out of depression is to help her feel gratitude. Because it has been proven more than once that when a person shows gratitude for what he has, it helps him feel happier. So remind your wife of everything she has to be grateful for. Also remind her of those women who are not as lucky as her. About women who are alone, or who don't have a job or a home. Let her see that her life is not as dull as she thinks. And she lives quite well, unlike other people.
On the weekend, take some time to sit together and chat in a calm environment. Invite her to remember her childhood. Let her tell you about various good things that happened to her when she was a child. Also, in the evenings at the end of the work day, encourage her to share positive moments that happened to her that day or this week. Let her understand and be grateful that there is a person next to her who can listen and support her in a difficult moment.
Go to church with her
Research shows that going to church can often help a person feel calm and have a positive outlook on life. So ask your wife to go to Saturday or Sunday worship. Help her manage all her household chores so she doesn't have an excuse to miss church on Saturday or Sunday.
Also, help her take care of the children as well as shopping so she can have more free time. Church is a place where a person gains peace of mind. He feels lighter in his soul and heart. Accordingly, this will have a positive impact on her mental state.
Take care of yourself
Being around someone who suffers from depression can be very difficult, especially if you care about that person. You can become a major irritant for him, and it will take a lot of patience to continue to be there. Helping is very important, but you shouldn’t forget about yourself. Sometimes it is difficult to leave a depressed person at home alone because of the feeling of guilt towards him. But it is very important to give yourself time to get out, get some fresh air, change your surroundings and see friends. All this is necessary to maintain your psychological health and continue to be useful to the patient. If you have the opportunity to see a psychotherapist, that’s great. A specialist will help you not only normalize your own condition, but also tell you how to behave correctly with a specific person suffering from depression.
- Depression
