Sometimes people feel unhappy throughout their lives. It seems to them that no one loves them and does not want to give a piece of their love. The victim complex is formed under the influence of many factors. In this case, a person constantly feels his own restlessness and uselessness. He gives the impression of an unhappy person who is catastrophically unlucky in life. Getting used to experiencing negative emotions, we stop striving for something more and don’t want to make efforts to change the situation itself. Gradually, confidence in one's own powerlessness is formed. The victim complex often does not give people the opportunity to appreciate the integrity of their existence and begin to enjoy simple things.
Snow White
After the death of her mother and father, her witch stepmother tries to kill Snow White. The princess flees. Instead of going to people and asking for help (at a minimum) or raising a rebellion against the witch (don’t forget that Snow White was the heir to the throne), the princess prefers to hide in a forest house and live there with seven strange men of very short stature. When a disgusting old woman (a witch) comes to Snow White’s house, she opens the door for her and invites her into the house (where is the logic in that?). After suffering from food poisoning, Snow White falls into a coma and lies in a glass coffin, waiting for the prince to save her.
Author's notes: And I'm thinking, why couldn't you tell grandma “NO” and not eat the apple?
The child’s conclusions after reading this fairy tale: you need to endure insults and suffer. You need to do this long enough, and then they will certainly take pity on you, and then they will definitely save you.
what it is?
The classic example is an unhappy woman who is unable to leave a tyrant man.
Or a man who has been stalling for many years at a job he hates, endures bullying from colleagues and superiors, but for some reason cannot find another job.
Or a child in class who is constantly mocked by his classmates and even teachers, but he cannot say a word to them.
In general, this is any person whose life resembles a continuous punishment for some unknown sins and misdeeds.
He could achieve a lot, achieve a lot in life and could even become a happy person.
But something is stopping him, for some reason he remains in the status of a petty loser, living as if at half capacity, although he is capable of more.
Let's try to figure out why this happens. So,…
Victim Scenario
- this is a scenario in a person’s life when he chronically suffers damage and suffers from the influence of external circumstances, or from the influence of the specifics of his character and personality.
Everything always falls out of his hands. He has eternal problems at work and in his personal life.
He too often finds himself in situations that cause him harm and suffering.
Starting from constant losses of keys and documents, ending with accidents and disasters.
Colleagues, relatives, friends and even enemies “ride” it. At the same time, it is extremely difficult for him to defend his opinion and confidently say “no.”
In the most severe cases, the victim is constantly being physically and emotionally abused by other people, but is unable to do anything about it.
Such a person, without knowing it, i.e. unconsciously, always internally ready to find himself in the role of a victim, to suffer damage and suffer.
Such a person is overwhelmed with various beliefs that interfere with life.
For example, he perceives the whole world through the prism of such conclusions:
- “Something bad can happen at any moment”
- “I’m always unlucky! However, that’s what I need..."
- “No matter what you do, nothing will work anyway...”
- “There is not and will not be anything good in this world...”
- “I’m tired of everything, I don’t have the strength...”
It is quite natural that the Pygmalion effect leads to self-realization
such attitudes and everything that the victim expects happens in reality.
Such people are characterized by the scenario algorithms that I described earlier in the article:
13 demons that live inside us
By the way, in fact, many people benefit from playing the role of a victim.
While suffering, a person becomes a beneficiary, deriving a certain benefit from his sacrificial state.
But we will talk about this in the next article.
In the meantime, let's look at what it is...
Psychology of the victim
and what are its main features
A person acting out such a scenario has the following traits:
- Low self-esteem and self-doubt
- Feelings of guilt and feelings of inferiority
- Depression, increased anxiety and suspiciousness
- Feeling of insecurity and fear of the world
- Self-pity, which goes hand in hand with criticism and even self-hatred
- Egocentrism
- Perfectionism
- Fear of failure and fear of success
- Feeling of hopelessness and impasse
- Blaming attitude towards others
- Painful perception of criticism
- Inability to stand up for yourself and express your opinion
- Infantilism
- Narcissism
- Constant dissatisfaction with your life and relationships with other people
- Various ailments and diseases of the asthenic type (for example, all kinds of neuroses, depression, neuralgia and neuritis, vegetative-vascular dystonia, pain syndromes, in particular headaches and back pain, sensitivity disorders, bronchial asthma, etc.)
It is not at all necessary that all these personality traits be present in one person.
4-5 are enough for a person to begin to, to one degree or another, act out the scenario of a human victim.
In the next article I will look at this issue in more detail.
Now let's answer the question...
How
Cinderella
Cinderella, despite the fact that she is the legal heir of all property, endures bullying from her stepmother (victim behavior). When the stepmother rudely refuses Cinderella's request to go to the ball, she runs into an abandoned garden and cries bitterly (victim behavior again).
Suddenly, out of nowhere, a magical fairy appears, gives Cinderella a dress, shoes and a carriage, and sends her to the ball. Cinderella meets the prince.
The prince falls in love with Cinderella at first sight! The girl has a unique chance to become a princess. But she prefers to run away again into slavery to her stepmother, because (attention!) she is afraid that the prince will not like her old dress. What stopped you from telling the prince that it would be uncomfortable to dance in the dress the fairy gave him (or spill wine on the dress)? What stopped you from asking the prince for a new dress? What prevented you from going and calmly changing clothes (and doing it BEFORE 12-00)?
The child’s conclusions after reading the fairy tale: you need to endure, no matter how much they bully you, only then will you be good. You cannot say “NO” and defend personal boundaries. You need to live your dream and wait for the prince to save you.
Rapunzel
A girl with very long hair lives in a high tower (almost 18 years old) and is waiting for someone to save her. I don’t understand what prevented the girl from tying her own braid to a hook on the wall (and it was there!) and going down (like climbers going down a rope)?
The child’s conclusions after reading the fairy tale: solving problems on your own is difficult or even impossible. You have to sit in a tower and wait 16-18 years until someone jumps up and evacuates you from dangerous territory.
Scarlet Sails
One girl, aged 8, was told that one day a prince would come for her on a ship with scarlet sails and take her to a distant country. The girl walks along the shore for years, waiting for a miracle. In the village no one likes her and they even consider her crazy.
What prevented the girl from going to another country on her own and finding a prince there? But no, it’s better to stomp along the shore and wait for years for HE to land “in scarlet shorts, on scarlet sails.”
Do you find it funny? Me too. What conclusions should the child draw after this? You will say that this is only in foreign literature. Nothing like this! Ours is even worse! Read Russian fairy tales: “In the dungeon, the princess is grieving. And the brown wolf serves her faithfully.” The absence of any action regarding your life is welcome!
Cheburashka
“Suddenly a wizard will fly in in a blue helicopter and show a movie for free. He’ll wish me a happy birthday and probably leave me five hundred popsicles as a gift.”
Question: what stopped you from buying ice cream yourself? What stopped you from going to the movies? Of course, 500 popsicles can cause diarrhea, but at least one popsicle could be bought without a wizard? No! Everyone is waiting for happiness to fall on them.
Here's another example about a birthday.
What are the benefits of being depressed?
The main benefit of the victim syndrome is that by his behavior a person evokes the pity and compassion of others , shifts the solution of his problems to them, makes his life easier to some extent, and can receive material and psychological support.
People with this behavioral disorder are practically constantly in their comfort zone, but in the eyes of relatives and friends they look like an offended victim.
Fly Tsokotukha
The fly celebrates his birthday. A house full of guests (I counted at least 8). Suddenly a spider appears, ties up a fly and plans to dine on it in front of an astonished audience. And no one will even budge: “Perish - perish, Birthday Girl!”
That is, in fact, no one takes responsibility to save the fly. What stopped them from organizing against the spider and killing/driving it out together? But no, everyone hid and waited for a wonderful mosquito that would fly in and save everyone.
Victim syndrome in children
The same line of behavior can be seen literally everywhere: “I don’t have to do anything about this, I’ll sit, wait, be patient (the key word is be patient), maybe everything will go away on its own. If I endure, they will definitely take pity on me and save me. And then everything will naturally change for the better.”
And we feed children with these attitudes. And then we think, why is my child so indecisive? Why is the sloppiness growing? This is probably for dad!
Did someone teach him to be successful? Yes, he is used to waiting for everything to be decided and done for him! How many times a day is a child allowed to be a leader? For example, you say to your daughter: “Masha, choose what dress you want to wear to kindergarten? Red or green? Do you want green? But I didn’t guess right! We'll wear red. It gets dirty less!”
We made a choice, it’s called. Why ask then? Then at school, Mashenka’s classmates will also be in charge, because she is used to having everything decided for her at home.
It also often happens that parents demand too much from their child. You have to be like this, study like this, go there, work there, etc. A child must be able to sing, read the fastest, draw the best, dance the best, take first place in competitions and olympiads, study with excellent marks, and cross-stitch at night. Moreover, this is said by parents who themselves have never done anything like this. Parents thus try to make their unrealized dreams come true in their child.
Most often, the child does not cope with the entire list of requirements. And then he develops a guilt complex, which then develops into a victim complex. The child thinks: “If I can’t cope, then I am to blame, and if I am to blame, then I must suffer.” This is a classic from childhood. Passive reactions are becoming the norm.
Signs of a victim complex
The victim complex is characterized by a number of manifestations that indicate that there is some significant trouble within the individual. Many do not pay any attention to them, naively believing that everything will go away by itself. However, these manifestations always indicate the presence of a problem, an inability to communicate, and build meaningful relationships. Let's take a closer look at them.
Feeling of injustice
The victim complex often contributes to a person feeling unfairly offended. It seems to him that no one cares about him, that everyone has forgotten about his existence. In fact, such feelings do not always correspond to reality. A feeling of injustice arises in response to any actions on the part of others. It always seems to such people that they want to offend them, they are tuned in to the bad and see manifestations of negative thoughts and feelings in everything. A feeling of injustice overwhelms them whenever something negative happens. For this reason, a person cannot fully develop and strive for the desired results. All achievements seem imaginary and unreal, since the person is extremely unsure of himself. The victim complex greatly prevents a person from feeling worthy of all the benefits that come into our lives.
Feeling depressed
A feeling of one’s own powerlessness usually accompanies this complex. It seems to a person that he cannot change anything in his life, that he is completely at the mercy of depressing circumstances. A feeling of depression accompanies us if there are no active actions to achieve the desired result. The complex greatly interferes with a happy outlook. A person always wants to feel that the efforts made are not in vain, but are in a constructive direction. People sometimes form a victim complex for themselves, and then don’t know how to get rid of it. The feeling of depression usually haunts those who do not know how to enjoy life and maintain a positive attitude in different life situations.
Among women
The victim complex in women is characterized by the following manifestations: apathy, disbelief in one’s own attractiveness, and constantly attracting the wrong partners into one’s life. Women may even become depressed because there is no reason to feel truly happy. A girl is designed in such a way by nature that she always wants to feel that she looks beautiful and that men like her. In the case when it is not possible for a long time to meet a worthy partner for life together, the fair sex gradually becomes disappointed in herself and begins to consider herself a failure. Such an approach to life necessarily affects one’s mood and develops a victim complex. You develop the habit of expecting only the bad from life, and the whole world begins to be seen in a purely negative light. This is because a woman who does not experience inner satisfaction does not know how to achieve a state of harmony with herself.
In men
The victim complex in men is not uncommon. Representatives of the stronger sex very often experience a state of depression and weakness. It seems to them that they cannot change the depressing circumstances of their own fate. When some uncontrollable events occur, many give up. It seems that it will never get better and there are no prospects. Men's self-esteem decreases when they cannot achieve their cherished goal for a long time. In the event that one’s own prospects are fading, there is less and less hope for correcting the situation. In men, as a rule, the development of the complex is due to the fact that they cannot take responsibility for the achievements that they would like to receive in the near future. The complex itself develops as a result of an incorrect attitude towards life, in which a person pre-selects for himself the position of a victim. He thereby programs himself for unnecessary experiences, deprivations and failures.
Why do victims often get sick?
It is important to understand that sacrifice is always a calculation. The victim always lays down his hidden benefit. In fact, this is always shifting responsibility onto another person. This is an unwillingness to take responsibility for your life.
Victimhood is a child's position. Banal infantilism. Not being responsible is always very convenient. But there is one minus. Reluctance to take responsibility gives rise to the need to worry. And experiences lead to the destruction of the body. Psychosomatics is included. What’s most interesting is that the body consciously adjusts.
For example, a man sits on the sofa and says: “I can’t support my family.” In a couple of months he will either have a heart attack or become disabled. To confirm that he really cannot support his family. That is, reality adjusts. Therefore, it is important to understand the hidden benefits of the disease.
For example, you see that a child is often sick. Ask yourself the question: “Why is my child sick? For what?"
Maybe you work like a horse, and your child sees you only on holidays, and even then not always? Maybe that's why he wants mom to stay at home? Or maybe he is being bullied at school? And so he includes the disease just to avoid going to this school. He wants to lie down at home.
Or you get sick often. Look what's happening. Answer the question: “Why do I need this disease?” Maybe your body is categorically against you dragging yourself to an unloved job with a boss you hate? Maybe that's why diseases appear so often?
Understand that the disease is given to you FOR PAIN. That's why it's called illness. So, what is your pain? What is your benefit?
Or maybe you want attention? Everyone around is like: “Oh-oh-oh, poor thing!” This is the mentality of an eternal patient, so that everyone would wear tangerines for you and remember you more often. A pattern has been written into my subconscious: if I am NOT sick, no one pays attention to me. And as soon as I start complaining about fate or getting sick, the hall is full of spectators. Everyone was like that and came running. And every day they ask how you are doing. So maybe you just want attention from other people?
The hidden benefits of diseases are perfectly revealed in the song from the cartoon “Smeshariki”:
“How nice it is to get sick! Everyone will feel sorry for you! And when he recovers from his illness, everyone becomes more kind... And they shake their heads: “Oh, you poor patient.”
Smeshariki, series "ORZ"
The world through the eyes of a martyr: 7 signs of sacrificial behavior
The factors described above do not speak about the psychological syndrome of the victim, these are just examples of how society imposes such a position as “good,” correct and natural. Of course, to begin to deny responsibility for your life and blame everyone around you, you need more serious injuries and deviations, but the problem is that due to the positive appearance of sacrifice, you may not recognize it both in others and in yourself. It may not reach a serious level of deviation, but still be dangerous.
Learn to recognize the behavior of the “victim” that prevents you from living:
- There is no conscious responsibility for yourself and your life. “I suffer because I have a bad job, because I didn’t graduate from university, because my parents...” And so on in everything ad infinitum. The victim suffers, and it would seem obvious - change your life and you won’t suffer. The banal “Move over, you’re not a tree” just works here. A bad government, a tyrant husband for whom you ruined your health, and ungrateful parents whom you drag on your shoulders are an excellent state of affairs to close your eyes and shift responsibility for yourself and your happiness to others.
- Passive aggression. The eternal sufferer would not be himself if he did not constantly manipulate in relationships. This is a caustic and aggressive form of behavior, although it is not open aggression. The victim provokes others and gets from them what she wants by manipulating her misfortune. In psychology, according to the Karpman triangle, the victim has a Persecutor - an offender. Although in reality it is not yet clear who suffers more and who is more trapped. These are manipulations like “I spent the best years of my life on you...”, “Here is your gratitude, son? My heart is bad,” etc.
- Open cultivation of sacrifice. Everything is always owed to the victim. She loves to openly declare how she sacrifices for others, how she suffers, how she bears everything on herself. And she does this obsessively, even though no one asked her, and even though it would be better without her “help”: usually few people in the house are embarrassed by dirty dishes, but everyone is embarrassed by lamentations about how the housewife suffers, washing them every day “for the sake of others "
- Denial of your defeats. It's always someone else's fault. Or life doesn’t love him so much that it masterfully arranged everything. This is also about conscious responsibility, but from a different perspective. Perhaps it is not the other person who is to blame, but everything in life is simply so unfair that the husband left after 5 years of endless manipulation and whining of a beautiful and defenseless lady.
- The need is for a Prince on a white horse, a Protector who solves all problems. In the Karpman triangle, this is the third side - the Savior, he is an integral part of such a psychological model of behavior. In the case of manipulation, the Persecutor often takes on the role of the Savior - he saves the victim from himself and gives her what she needs. But it could also be a third party. In general, the role of the Savior is very dangerous, because in addition to the fact that by his behavior he only supports the victim in her beliefs, he then turns out to be guilty, since he pulled her out of such a comfortable position of suffering.
- Not envy, but the elimination of rivals. Strong and independent, as they say. A little unobvious, but an important point. People with victim syndrome do not want to face the truth - that the causes of their problems are their unwillingness to solve these problems. Therefore, strong, self-sufficient people are enemies for them. They try in every possible way to condemn them, put them down and generally curse them with thousands of abuses. If only no one suspects that the victim herself is to blame for her grief, and these people are just an example of how you can live differently, having no less problems.
- The need for praise and recognition. Sometimes such people even beg for praise. They always feel like they are not loved and recognized enough. Many of them are avid Internet worms who are catastrophically dependent on likes and positive comments.
Victims like to provoke themselves into suffering
Constantly returning to painful memories. Victims often live in the past. These people are often offended. It has been noticed that mentally healthy people do not look for a second meaning in words, but victims always try to find some subtext or hidden meaning in other people’s words in order to be offended once again.
Victims ignore their desires and push themselves into last place. And they do absolutely nothing to change the situation.
Victims constantly shift responsibility to other people. All victims are manipulators (even unconsciously). With the help of feelings of pity, the victim beats out of another person what she wants to receive (love, money, attention, care). Therefore, if you notice victim scenarios in your behavior, it’s time to change!
What triggers the development of victim syndrome?
Increased risk factors in the formation of the “victim syndrome” are incorrect parenting methods, too strict parental control or, conversely, the desire of parents to protect the child from independent decision-making and responsibility for their actions, a lack of maternal and paternal attention, trusting relationships and guarantees of security in childhood. age.
People who exhibit “victim syndrome” at a behavioral or evaluative level thus try to protect their own self-esteem and avoid feelings of vulnerability. They explain the results of their activities that do not meet expectations by external factors that cannot be controlled. This manifests an unconscious need to avoid responsibility for one’s own life and evade responsibilities.
From the point of view of modern psychology, the victim mentality develops due to the immaturity of the individual and inadequate analysis of cause-and-effect relationships. These factors together cause distorted emotional reactions and significantly reduce self-esteem against the backdrop of a strong need to feel good about oneself.
Not only emotionally unstable people, but also those who are prone to negative emotions can suffer from the “victim syndrome”. Such “victims,” against the background of a constant feeling of insecurity, develop general neuroticism and various mental symptoms.
One of the not obvious selfish motives of the “victim” is the ability to manipulate loved ones as a kind of moral reward for the suffering experienced. The most striking illustration of this form of interaction can be seen in the behavior of overly caring mothers who reproach their children for lack of gratitude.
The time for sacrifice is over. It's time to finally take responsibility into your own hands!
Let's look at the word "responsibility". It consists of two words: “answer” and “ability”. That is, this is the ability to hold yourself accountable for your actions. This is the ability to be responsible for everything that happens in your life.
Let's look at a couple of examples to make it clear. For example, you constantly spin the thought in your head that your husband is an idiot. By the way, a moron is a person who lived with a moron for a very long time. Take responsibility! Call a spade a spade. If your husband is a goat, then you are a goat, and you have kids.
If he is such a monster as you say, then answer the question: how did he even end up in the same registry office with you? Why did you end up in the same place, in the same registry office, at the same ceremony? You weren't sold in a sack in marriage and your parents exchanged you for two sheep, were you? At least I hope so. There are no such traditions for a long time.
You most likely met this person? Did you choose him? Have you looked at his actions? Or did you not look at anything, but just jumped out to marry the first person you met? But then it is no longer a responsibility.
Why is “victim syndrome” dangerous?
The obvious negative psychological and behavioral consequences of victim syndrome significantly worsen life: a person’s family relationships do not work out, professional fulfillment suffers, and health deteriorates. The “victim” feels unrecognized, vulnerable and damaged, while experiencing an increased need for recognition. Over time, the “victim’s” circle of acquaintances narrows, and relationships with relatives, loved ones, colleagues and management do not go well. In addition, against the background of constant negative emotions, the mentality changes, negative experiences are consolidated, which is fraught with the appearance of depression, increased anxiety, phobias, panic attacks and other mental disorders, which sometimes requires the help of a qualified psychiatrist and psychotherapist.
As a rule, such a person (“victim”) is not able to assess the current situation objectively. Therefore, he refuses to visit a doctor, “attributing” all symptoms to unfavorable external circumstances, thereby worsening his condition. The peculiarities of the “victim’s” thinking, as well as the somatic symptoms accompanying mental manifestations, often complicate the correct diagnosis. That is why, in the event of a negative change in the physical condition of a person with “victim syndrome,” it is not enough to contact a general practitioner. Only an experienced psychiatrist can recognize signs of the development of a mental illness in the totality of symptoms, prescribe adequate treatment, psychotherapy and help, as well as prevent negative consequences.
Cognitive behavioral therapy is used to treat victim syndrome.
Modern pharmacology has a wide range of effective drugs with minimal side effects, and qualified psychiatrists, psychotherapists and psychologists will be able to understand the causes of the disease and bring back joy and bright colors to your life palette!
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Other examples of what a victim may complain about:
- I have a headache!
The head is to blame, not me. I don’t take responsibility for the fact that I go to bed very late, eat haphazardly and don’t exercise. And I visited the doctor 200 years ago.
- They bully me at work!
Colleagues are to blame. I do not take responsibility to leave this serpentarium.
- The director doesn't pay enough!
The director is to blame. I do not take responsibility that I do not have skills and competencies for which I can pay more.
- The cat tore up the chair!
It's the cat's fault, of course. I do not take responsibility for the fact that I do not train the cat and did not buy him a scratching post.
- There are only pigs living in the entrance! They litter constantly!
The neighbors are to blame. I don't take responsibility that I can move to another place. Or gather residents and organize a vigil at the entrance.
- How tired I am of work!
Blame the work. I don't take responsibility to adjust my schedule.
- The Englishwoman at my son’s school is a complete fool. Constantly lowering his grades!
The teacher is to blame, not me. I do not take responsibility for hiring a tutor for my son or transferring my child to another class.
- All the buns are sold out!
Buyers are to blame. I don't take responsibility that I came too late.
- My daughter is completely out of control! He doesn't listen!
The daughter is to blame. I don’t take responsibility for the fact that I don’t know how to educate and build relationships.
- The employees are sheep! They constantly mess up.
The employees are to blame. I don’t take responsibility for the fact that I don’t know how to clearly set tasks and control them.
I could give even more examples, but I think you already understand the meaning. It is important to learn to take responsibility in any situation!
As homework, I suggest you catch yourself in situations where you blame others and rewrite your behavior script.
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How to get rid of the victim complex
In order to stop feeling like an unhappy person, you need to work hard on yourself. It is necessary to form a new way of looking at the surrounding reality, which will motivate great achievements. How to get rid of the complex? How to defeat the problem from the inside?
Taking responsibility
The most important step, without which the rest will not be possible. Until a person clearly understands the need for change, nothing will ever change. You need to learn to think constructively, set realistic goals and strive to solve them. Taking responsibility means stopping complaining and seeing yourself as a failure. The more we think about problems, the more they haunt us. It is necessary not to deny the presence of some complexity, but to show wisdom while living in a certain situation.
Positive outlook
It is necessary to develop positive thinking in yourself. It is impossible to experience only negative emotions all the time. Otherwise, there is a great risk that you will give up and not want to change anything in life. A positive outlook on the world prevents the emergence of many problems that could break a person and devastate him from within. It is necessary to remember that the complex itself will not disappear; it must be fought against. When something unpleasant happens, you should try to ask yourself what in this situation could please you. And even when it seems that there is absolutely nothing to be happy about, you can find additional strength within yourself, and with it new opportunities will open up. Positive thinking helps to cope with many difficulties.
Start with yourself
Most people have the habit of blaming others for their own troubles. It seems to them that relatives, friends and acquaintances are responsible for negative manifestations in life. In fact, it is extremely stupid to blame others for what happens to you. There is nothing that cannot be changed through one's own efforts. It is necessary to remember that you always need to start with yourself. Only by changing from within does a person have the opportunity to learn to evaluate current events from a positive side. We need to learn to see the lesson that is embedded in every situation that we tend to consider hopeless. In reality, everything is not as it seems. Other people cannot be responsible for our happiness and well-being.
Thus, the victim complex is one of the conditions that require mandatory participation. You can and should fight it. To overcome the habit of looking at life from the negative side, you need to try to develop such character qualities as determination, responsibility, and a sense of trust in the world. If you are unable to cope with the problem on your own, you can seek advice from the Irakli Pozharisky Psychology Center. Working with a psychologist will help you understand individual perspectives and see the positive aspects of the situation.
