Getting rid of one-sided attachment is considered one of the most difficult problems in psychotherapy. Experts agree that unrequited love is a serious psychological trauma for the individual, which can develop into severe depression, persistent neurosis, or a suicide attempt. Why does this form of relationship have such a destructive effect on the mental and physical health of an individual?
First of all, because the indifference of another person calls into question our sexual attractiveness, self-esteem and mental worth. As a result, we begin to regard ourselves as inferior beings, unworthy of the sympathy of those we like. If this delusion is not eliminated in time, it easily develops into absolute confidence, leaving a negative imprint on a person’s worldview and coloring the reality around him in gloomy tones of hopelessness and despair. Our article will help you avoid such an outcome. From it you will learn about the reasons, signs and effective methods of dealing with one-sided love.
Characteristics and features of unrequited love
Love without reciprocity can't help but upset. It devastates from the inside, suppresses the best desires, and contributes to the formation of suspicion. A distrustful attitude towards life, self-doubt and apathy appear. In some cases, you even have to resort to the help of a psychologist. Specialists regularly work with those who are confused, confused, and have lost their main life guidelines. Getting rid of unhappy love is not so easy. You have to make incredible efforts to cope with despair and hopelessness. It’s good if the person is fully aware of what is happening. Then there is a good chance to be rehabilitated.
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Psychotype of people who tend to fall in love unrequitedly
If you look at the lives of certain individuals impartially, you will notice one interesting pattern. They always fall in love without reciprocation. The situation in advance is such that one cannot even hope for a positive answer. Relationship experts say this happens for a reason. People themselves attract cold and reserved partners.
Such manifestations may be the result of improper upbringing or a traumatic event in the past. It has been proven that a person with obviously low self-esteem is unable to attract the attention of the desired partner. He will constantly confirm his idea that he cannot be loved. After several unsuccessful attempts to build relationships, people become disappointed and withdraw into themselves.
What is unrequited love and who is prone to it?
Love is the most abstract feeling experienced by people. In all centuries, poets and artists have sung her praises, and for her sake they went to great lengths and betrayals. When falling in love, a number of chemical reactions occur in the human body that affect behavior and mood. Scientists have not yet been able to unravel the mystery of why the body reacts this way to some individuals, having been able to sort out hormonal processes.
When looking at the object of sympathy, the “victim” feels excitement, tenderness, euphoria, fear, and lust. Such reactions are the result of the release of the hormones oxytocin, adrenaline, dopamine, and serotonin.
It is generally accepted that love is triggered by pheromones - volatile substances synthesized by the body, which have an individual composition without a distinct odor. They are read by a special area located in the nose, and this is how they try to explain the feeling that is born at first sight, although the existence of human pheromones has not been scientifically proven, and perfumes with these molecules are nothing more than a marketing ploy, quackery.
Receiving responses from a partner, the lover’s body increases the levels of the hormonal cocktail, a period lasting from several months to a year. Then a decline gradually sets in, after 2-3 years spent together, passions decrease, a new stage in the development of feelings begins, the “rose-colored glasses” fall off, the shortcomings of the other half become visible, the deity comes down from the pedestal, and an ordinary person appears in his place next to him.
With unrequited love, the second person does not give return romantic messages, causing a chemical “roller coaster” in the first, leading to euphoria, complete delight to the abyss of melancholy, hopelessness, and apathy.
When completely immersed in pathological dependence, a person in love can become depressed and even commit suicide. Such reactions are typical for people who are insecure, overly romantic, have low self-esteem, timid, addicted, susceptible to influence, and lonely.
What to do if there is no reciprocity in love
One cannot argue with the fact that unrequited love makes one experience painful feelings. It really hurts so much that you want to scream, sob in hopelessness, burying your head in the pillow. The individual feels unnecessary, uninteresting and unsexy. It is important to know how to help yourself and prevent the situation from getting worse. Each case is individual, but there are general recommendations.
In what cases is it worth seeking reciprocity?
Unreciprocated love does not always mean that you have to become depressed. First, you should try to win the trust of your chosen one. You can attract attention in various ways, the main thing is that they do not harm anyone. Sometimes the heart is ready to wait, and the affection does not fade away. It is worth seeking the favor of a dear friend if you see that the chosen one has a chance to fall in love. For example, this is a colleague, friend or classmate. When people spend a lot of time together, it’s easier for them to be on the same page and easier to accept each other.
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How to understand that nothing can be done
There is one case that indicates that the chosen one will have to be forgotten. If there is a married person in front of you, you cannot take him away from the family. This is a hopeless option that will soon lead to real addiction. When falling in love does not go away for a long time, you have to harshly break off the unnecessary connection. If it hurts to even think about your loved one, let alone see each other, then this is a good reason for separation.
A partner who already has a family is not suitable for building a romantic relationship. Many women become mistresses against their will. They are constantly waiting for the man they love to come to his senses and see in them the only ideal of beauty. Devoted service to one person without hope of reciprocity devastates the inside and creates a feeling of hopelessness.
Is it worth building friendships?
If falling in love ends badly, you need to help yourself. Otherwise, mental pain will quickly overwhelm you in an uncontrollable wave. Whether it is worth transferring the chosen one to the category of friends, everyone must decide for themselves. But you need to wait for the feelings to subside and the realization of coming to terms with the situation to come, otherwise you will have to constantly write touching SMS to someone and love from a distance. Teenagers sometimes want to continue communicating, but friendships are impossible if one party harbors a grudge.
Ways to get rid of unnecessary feelings
When it has become obvious that, by definition, it will not be possible to achieve reciprocity, only the method of deliverance will help. It is advisable to act with a cool head, unconditionally. We must try to get the person out of our heads. You'll have to grieve, but the effort will be worth it. To survive unrequited love, you need to follow some rules:
- Give yourself time. Take your time to make a meaningful decision. It is quite difficult to decide to forget someone who is so dear to your heart. It is impossible to quickly get rid of unnecessary love. The human psyche is structured in a complex way. We become attached to people, even if there is no hope of reciprocity. Some people need to go through many hours of solitude before they finally realize that everything is in the past. Weeks, months and years are needed for humility, so as not to regret anything in the future. Take your time, experience the state of rejection completely.
- Allow to express feelings. It is extremely important not to suppress your own emotions, but to give them an outlet. Cry at home where no one can see you. This will allow you to relieve accumulated internal tension and free yourself from negative emotions. There are people who prefer to hide their true intentions just because they are not perceived by society. This should not be done. Spare your own feelings, because no one else will think about them. Tears are not a sign of weakness. If a person is in pain, he will not be able to sincerely smile and have fun.
- Distance yourself physically. Love ends when two people stop seeing each other. This is a pattern that is difficult to argue with. You shouldn't bother with unnecessary attachment for long. It is unlikely that anyone will enjoy the experiences associated with an unrequited feeling. Getting used to constantly humiliating ourselves, we lose a part of ourselves and significantly lower our self-esteem. It is useful to move to another city, quit your job, change the places of your daily visits.
- Find a new hobby. Loneliness is destructive to the individual. If you have to go without a partner for too long, nothing makes you happy. Individual victories and aspirations cease to bring satisfaction. If, at the moment of despair, a new passion appears, life becomes simpler and easier. Overcoming hopelessness will begin when the understanding comes that all is not lost.
- Develop as a person. The chosen one’s refusal does not mean that he has the right to manipulate you. No matter what happens, you need to learn to value yourself. Playing sports, drawing, singing, any creativity helps. You need to switch your attention, force your brain to think about something else. Succeeding in self-development, a person reveals individual facets.
How to fix the situation?
Having read the previous sections, you might have gotten the impression that one-sided sympathy is a hopeless matter, doomed to failure in advance. We hasten to reassure you that everything is not as clear as it may seem at first glance. There are cases when a person managed to overcome the indifference of a partner and emerge victorious from the problem. Do you want the same? The following psychological tricks will help you with this:
- Learn to understand your chosen one. Simple advice, but difficult to implement. Oddly enough, but your happiness depends on it. Why? It's simple, understanding your partner's needs and his inner world - you take a giant step towards mutual sympathy. Recent research in the field of interpersonal relationships has shown that people are more likely to choose partners who demonstrate their sincere interest in them and prefer to talk about them rather than about themselves.
- If you notice that your hobbies with your chosen one are in different areas of interest, then there is only one way out - to adapt to the preferences of the object of passion. For example, he loves traveling outdoors, and you love growing begonias at home. Do you want to achieve reciprocal love? Then it’s time for you to buy boots with strong soles, a sleeping bag and learn to make a fire with one match. Otherwise, your sympathy will remain an unrequited dummy. Well, the begonias on the windowsill do not attract tourists, even if you crack them!
- Try to enter the company of your lover. However, this should be done not directly, but in a roundabout way. For these purposes, use friends who are already part of the society you need. Let them introduce you there, as if by chance. Otherwise, your partner will get the impression that you are stalking him. And this never led to any good.
- Through mutual friends, try to find out what personal qualities in another person attract your chosen one. Perhaps all his past girlfriends were well-read or excellent cooks. Take this knowledge and improve your skills. This is the only way you will get closer to achieving your cherished goal: to be with him.
- No intrusiveness. Psychologists are convinced that obsession is the “first sign” of unrequited love. You start constantly calling the person you like, besiege his entrance in the hope of meeting your eyes, bump into him a hundred times at work or school, carefully monitor his social networks. And what is the outcome? You are absolutely indifferent to him. Why? No one is ready to love those who have no self-respect. So avoid importunity and use common sense in everything.
Basic mistakes
People sometimes focus too much on failure. Having failed in a relationship, few decide to make a new acquaintance. There is a fear in the soul of getting burned again, of being faced with the experience of disappointment. This is why the temptation to run and hide is so great. But there are mistakes that are best avoided:
- Don't close your heart. Remember that love can come at any moment. If the doors are closed, the great feeling will turn around and leave. You need to be able to accept it correctly and let it into yourself. If a person renounces, fearing difficulties, then his life is unlikely to change. Do you want to live alone for the rest of your life?
- Trying to forcibly retain passion is also a bad way. The chosen one should not feel that he is on a leash. It is unlikely that anyone enjoys feeling forced. Freedom of choice is a necessary condition for self-expression.
- Begging for love means humiliating yourself in front of your partner. This cannot be allowed. If you deliberately run after a guy or a girl, you will not gain respect for yourself. The psychology of most people is such that they do not value what they get easily, without effort.
Thus, if love is not mutual, then there is no point in fighting for it. There is no need to allow any kind of humiliation. Courtship through force is not perceived by the chosen one and is not able to make an impression. If you have to beg for attention, it means the relationship will not work out.
It is necessary to open up
Why do girls (it is the weaker sex that is more often capable of suffering for a long time for a man) allow themselves to enter into such dependence?
It should be noted right away that you can also receive positive emotions from such love.
No matter how strange it may sound, it is a fact. The feeling of love at first gives a feeling of lightness, it can motivate a woman to create, give her an increase in strength, a desire to become better. At the same time, non-reciprocity can do terrible things: develop complexes and make a girl insecure.
Of course, talking about a teenager’s unrequited feelings is one thing. Almost every person goes through this stage of growing up. As a result, teenagers get over it and move on to someone else. If we talk about a mature person, then you need to have the courage to explain your feelings. You can take steps forward, give signs and then form conclusions. If you sit back, you can spend your entire life loving someone unrequitedly.
There is another interesting statement by psychologists: if a person waits for an answer to his feelings, then this is not love. A person who truly loves does not wait for an answer - he simply loves. Of course, there are negative emotions about the inability to be around, but it is important to learn how to direct them in the right direction: engage in some kind of creativity, work more, go to the gym and, most importantly, not close yourself off from others. You need to be willing to accept other relationships, but at the same time rejoice in the fact that you can experience tenderness, even if it is one-sided.
