Article on the topic » How to get rid of complexes and low self-esteem

Olga Ovsyanik, Doctor of Psychology, Clinical Psychologist, Professor of the Department of Social Psychology at Moscow State Regional University, tells the story .

Self-esteem is a person's attitude towards himself. Self-esteem can be overestimated (when a person overestimates himself, which is the norm only for adolescence), adequate (when he considers himself to be who he really is) and underestimated (when a person underestimates himself).

It is generally accepted that low self-esteem is bad and it is this attitude towards oneself that is the source of all problems.

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What it is

Low self-esteem is a lack of self-confidence, in one’s own strengths and actions, constant self-criticism, a set of internal complexes that prevent one from objectively recognizing one’s strengths and aggravating shortcomings.

Psychology pays much more attention to low self-esteem than to high self-esteem (we talked about it earlier), for two reasons. Firstly, it is more dangerous, as it more often leads to suicide and personality disorders. Secondly, it occurs at every step.

The stratification of society into rich and poor, the media and social networks with a demonstration of a beautiful life inspire people with low and even average incomes how insignificant they are, since they could not achieve anything compared to others. If you don’t have a car, your own apartment, a prestigious job, if you don’t fly to the seaside every summer and don’t fit the stereotypes of society, you’re a failure. But all this is just an external push, and then comes the self-destruction of a person from within.

The psychology of low self-esteem is such that after the external stimuli described above, a person begins to engage in self-searching. Reasoning why life is so unfair, blaming yourself for all sins and considering yourself a pathological loser. Moreover, this snowball is constantly growing if no action is taken. Even one single circumstance leads to thoughts, the unhealthy logic of which provokes dire consequences.

Below is an entry from the diary of a practicing psychologist who had to literally save his patient from suicide only because one of the high positions at work went to another:

“This position was given to him → He is more worthy than me → I don’t deserve this position because I’m worse than him → I was the worst among all the applicants → How will I tell this at home and to friends → They will laugh at me → I don’t deserve their respect and love → I can’t achieve anything → I’m a loser → I have no job, no family, no friends → There is no meaning to life → Why live?”

A person with low self-esteem treats himself inadequately and focuses only on failures and shortcomings. This leads to internal devastation, leveling of life values ​​and loss of meaning.

Levels

According to the psychodiagnostic scale, low self-esteem can be of three levels:

1. Below the average

When a person loses heart as a result of some minor everyday failures, but at the same time does not give up and continues to fight for a decent existence with all his complexes.

1. Low

A low level of self-esteem is not always associated with objective external stimuli; it is often based on childhood complexes and social grievances, which leads to the aggravation of old fears and doubts and the formation of new ones.

1. Inadequate, very low

When virtues are denied and people refuse to move forward only because they are obviously sure of failure, they simply lose the meaning of life. They need psychological help, since they are the ones who may commit suicide or harm themselves.

Why does this condition occur?

The main factors contributing to the development of inadequate self-esteem include:

1. Inflated level of claims.
2. Focus on parents' opinions. Mom and dad are undeniable authorities for the child, and if they constantly criticize the baby, his self-confidence steadily declines. The same thing happens when the achievements of a son or daughter are constantly compared with the successes of peers or one of the family members.
3. Lack of praise from parents, lack of love and approval, manifestations of cruelty.
4. Insults based on physical defect, race or religion. This often happens in educational institutions.

People around you criticize each other more often than they praise each other. Therefore, a person often perceives himself as others see him. However, what exactly the individual focuses on is important. Everyone has troubles and failures in life. But those who constantly think about problems and are afraid of them are likely to become depressed and lose faith in their own strength. Regardless of the reason for which this condition arose, any person experiences serious inconvenience as a result of low self-esteem. How to get rid of it? First of all, it is necessary to reduce the requirements and expectations in relation to one’s own personality. If an individual sets himself too complex tasks, he is unable to solve them in a short period of time. Another failure leads to disappointment. A person refuses to believe in himself and gives up.

Causes

It is important to understand where low self-esteem comes from: without identifying the true reasons, it is difficult to correct anything. A person is not born with it. It is formed over the course of life under the influence of people and external circumstances, only aggravated by some personal traits. Psychologists call the following the most common provoking factors:

• the experience of defeat, when every failure is perceived as a personal tragedy;
• guilt;
• procrastination;
• rejection by parents and peers in childhood, which leads to early psychological trauma, which is considered one of the deepest;
• the presence of a manipulator in the environment;
• perfectionism - a painful desire for perfection, inflated demands on oneself, the desire to live up to the ideal;
• loneliness;
• dependence on the opinions of others;
• laziness;
• flaws in appearance;
• fear of the future, constant doubts, uncertainty.

In men, it is most often formed as a result of lack of recognition in society and lack of career growth. For women, because of their appearance, if it does not meet the imposed standards of beauty. In a child, due to a lack of parental love at a young age, failures at school and lack of attention from peers at a later age.

If the reason lies in external circumstances or the person himself, it is easier to get rid of low self-esteem. Much more complex are cases when there is a hidden manipulator in the environment. It can take psychologists several weeks to identify it because it is usually idealized by the patient himself.

Most often, parents or husband/wife underestimate self-esteem, less often - a friend, colleague or boss. If this happens in childhood, the trauma remains for life. Such a child grows up to be autistic, neurasthenic, downtrodden and insecure.

A father or mother can take out their failures in life on the child. For some parents, the only opportunity to achieve success is to put pressure on someone who depends on you and cannot fight back.

One of the spouses humiliates the other because of their own childhood traumas. If you do not confront him, you may need the help of a psychotherapist in the future.

The problem of low self-esteem in psychology

Psychology’s definition of “self-esteem” implies a person’s awareness of his own importance in society, the exclusivity of his personal positive and negative qualities. Self-esteem helps to make decisions in various spheres of society and contributes to the socialization of the individual.

Types of self-esteem:

• overestimated – this is too high an assessment of one’s capabilities and talents;
• normal is an adequate perception of one’s abilities;
• low self-esteem is an underestimation of one’s own personality qualities.

Low self-esteem complicates the life of a person of any age; parents begin to underestimate it already in early childhood; over the years the situation worsens and negatively affects the individual’s quality of life. Overestimating one's capabilities also negatively affects a person's existence, but not as intensely as underestimating oneself.

Signs

Everyone knows that low self-esteem and lack of self-confidence go hand in hand. One is a product of the other, they are closely intertwined and interconnected. But this is not the only sign. There are also other symptoms:

• constant and unfounded self-criticism;
• dissatisfaction with oneself (appearance, actions, even thoughts);
• offended by any criticism;
• indecision;
• fear of making a mistake;
• fear of public speaking;
• the desire to please everyone, the inability to say “no”;
• frustration, anger, irritation, hysterics in response to something that does not meet expectations;
• constant feeling of guilt;
• pessimism;
• envy;
• expecting trickery and betrayal from everyone.

In any unpleasant situation, a person with low self-esteem will always blame himself.

From practice. The librarian girl received about 300 rubles less in salary. Instead of going to the accounting department or to her boss to clarify the issue, she began to engage in self-examination that she was demoted, her money was withheld for some offense, she was not respected and not appreciated at work. In one evening, she worked herself up to such an extent that she decided to quit before she was forced to do so under the article, because she convinced herself that everything was heading towards this. However, indecision the next day played into her hands: while she was gathering courage to hand in her resignation letter, she was given that same unfortunate 300 rubles, and the accountant apologized for her mistake.

How to act to increase self-esteem?

The task is to independently fill the lack of love, to fill the voids that formed in childhood and adolescence. Directly set such a goal for yourself, consider it a priority, vitally important, and do not wait for others to make you happy. And the main thing is to start following your desires, aspirations, dreams. Cultivate your difference from others and not be ashamed of anything about yourself.

I can read this a hundred times more, but it won’t increase my self-confidence. What to do? You definitely need to work on accepting yourself as you are. Well, for example, try to provide yourself with maximum psychological comfort, respect your desires, devote time (and money) to yourself, try to enjoy life, get a taste of it, taste it, enjoy it.

Other people in your life will appear and want to do you good exactly when you yourself feel your importance. Adequate self-esteem is self-confidence, the ability to feel your strength, make important life decisions, not look back at society, and go towards your goals without fear.

Diagnostics

There are three ways to understand that you have low self-esteem.

Method 1. Observation and self-analysis

Carefully study the possible causes. Analyze whether they took place in your life. If there are at least 3 of them, there is every chance of being in the risk group. Next, look through the list of symptoms and cross out those that you do not experience. People who are unsure of themselves cope with this part of the task with flying colors, as they practically do not cross out anything. This is confirmation of the diagnosis.

Method 2. Test

Take one of our many self-assessment tests. If you choose the online option, it must include the author of the method and he must be well-known in psychology. Recommended: Rosenberg, Zang, Leary, Budassi, Dembo-Rubinstein, Cattell, Eysenck, Schur.

Method 3. Consultation with a psychologist

It is recommended to take the same tests from a practicing psychologist. He will select one of the best options, be able to prepare you for its implementation, correctly interpret the results, and at the same time tell you how to deal with the problem. In especially severe cases (in cases of underestimation with personality and behavior disorders, manic-depressive psychosis), he can give a referral to a psychotherapist.

Working techniques

Dealing with low self-esteem can be done independently and professionally. It largely depends on the age of the person.

With preschoolers

At preschool age, self-esteem is just beginning to form, so pathology is rarely detected. Parents with this problem almost never come to specialized specialists. In prosperous families this is all right, but in dysfunctional families such consultations are of no use. The only ones who ring the bells when it is discovered are teachers and full-time psychologists in kindergartens.

If a preschooler has low self-esteem, work is carried out primarily with the parents, who are primarily to blame for the fact that such a young child has already developed complexes and is diagnosed with psychological traumas with which he will have to go through life. Most often, rough treatment or beatings are detected. It often ends in deprivation of parental rights. It is also possible that children are humiliated by teachers in kindergartens or by one of their relatives. All options need to be considered here.

From practice. The police received a 4-year-old girl who was beaten and shied away from people like a wild animal. When they started talking to her to find out who she was and where she lived, and asked her name, she said: “Idiot.” It turns out that her parents only called her that; she had never heard her own name. She needed long-term psychotherapeutic treatment, but even after it, experts did not guarantee that in the future she would be able to realize herself as a full-fledged person.

The situation with low self-esteem in preschoolers can only be corrected with affection, love, care and attention.

With younger students

The degree to which problems are identified at this age is quite high, because children in elementary school are under the close supervision of a full-time psychologist. During the school year they are given many tests. As soon as the child comes to the attention of a specialist, appropriate work is carried out with him.

It consists primarily of conversations with parents and teachers. Moreover, they are joint, because often the reason is a discrepancy between the attitude towards the child at home and at school. For example, mom and dad pamper him, instill in him his exclusivity, and compared to his peers he turns out to be almost worse than everyone else in some respects. To cope with the problem, these “swings” need to be leveled: parents need to come down from heaven and begin to recognize the shortcomings in their own child, and the teacher needs to help him adapt to the team and focus more attention on his successes.

With high school students

More often than others, teenagers aged 13-17 years old come to psychologists with this problem. At this age, they are bombarded with everything at once: exams, first love, puberty, conflicts with parents and teachers due to a hormonal surge, a change in leading activity (interpersonal relationships come to the fore, not studies) and other factors accompanying growing up. As practice shows, even if a high school student has formed adequate self-esteem by this age, he constantly doubts:

• Will I pass the exams?
• Do the opposite sex like me?
• Am I beautiful?
• Do my parents love me?

With healthy social adaptation, he knows how to find the right answers to these questions. But there are only 50% of them. The second half comes to disappointing conclusions:

• I won't pass the exams and won't get anywhere.
• Nobody likes me, etc.

As a result, the teenager, against the background of low self-esteem, develops neuroses, neurasthenia, mental disorders, autism, and social maladaptation is observed. He may conflict with everyone around him or, on the contrary, withdraw into himself, run away from home, join an informal group, and even commit suicide.

What to do in such cases? Only psychological correction with the participation of a specialized specialist can help here. Methods of work - conversations (with the teenager himself, parents, teachers), lectures, discussions, role-playing games, situational tasks, watching videos, group age trainings.

With adults

Adults rarely turn to psychologists with this problem, since they already end up seeing psychotherapists with prolonged depression, manic-depressive psychosis, hysteria, and neurasthenia. All of them are the consequences of neglected low self-esteem, which no one dealt with in a timely manner.

What techniques can you use to overcome feelings of self-doubt and get out of your dark corner in which you have to hide all your life:

• affirmations and auto-trainings;
• reading motivating books, watching relevant films and videos;
• setting clear and achievable goals, developing a plan for their implementation;
• turning to friends and family for support or changing surroundings (as well as changing jobs);
• introduction to a healthy lifestyle;
• trips;
• visits to beauty salons;
• sports, dancing, hobbies;
• keeping a diary of successes and achievements.

The main thing for such people is to get out of the comfort zone that they have created for themselves over the years. You need to understand that you are no worse than others, that you are on the same level with them, and you must act and think in accordance with this. If everything is not running yet, these techniques will work and return the person to normal life. If the situation is more severe, you cannot do without the help of a specialist.

Low self-esteem in men

Signs of low self-esteem in men can manifest themselves in different ways. Sometimes a man withdraws into himself and suffers from depression, which can lead to alcoholism, aggression or social isolation.

As in the case of women, men have their own attitudes. A man must be strong, brave, successful, and popular with women. If at least one of these “shoulds” fails, everything else may fall apart. One misfire in bed destroys your career, courage and lowers self-esteem to zero.

Some men try to hide their low self-esteem by taking extra care of their appearance. They look great, but at the same time they listen sensitively to see if anyone is laughing behind their back? This poisons their lives and spoils their relationships with others.

To raise a man's self-esteem, you need to try. As a rule, men are very stubborn and rarely admit that they have problems with self-esteem, unless they completely crush them.

The first step for a man should be to recognize the fact that he has low self-esteem. This is already a step towards raising it. It’s good if such a man has an understanding woman next to him to support him and praise him for his successes. If such a woman is not nearby, you will have to cope on your own.

1. Ideal men do not exist, and you should not compare yourself to anyone. Nature has endowed everyone with different talents and abilities. If you can't do a somersault like Jackie Chan, then maybe you're a genius at telling jokes?

2. When meeting women, they look at a man’s face for only 10 seconds. If you are not a handsome man, there is no need to worry about this; for most women, male beauty and correctness of facial features are secondary. If you want to please a woman, go to the gym. In this case, the woman will admire your toned figure and forget about your imperfect face.

3. Whatever one may say, a man must be intellectually developed. Read more, develop yourself and become a pro in your business. In fact, you can be forgiven for not knowing the name of the longest river in the world if you are good at fixing computers, are great at translating essays, or know how to quickly find the information you need.

4. Don't beat yourself up for failures. You might have failed once or twice, but that’s no reason not to try again. Most people like to watch “film after movie,” and only there they can see how many takes the actors have to do to make everything work out beautifully. But they are professionals and talented, but they also have to make dozens, or even hundreds of attempts.

5. Many men want everything at once. They set themselves obviously impossible goals, and, not achieving them, become despondent. This is a huge mistake. Yes, it’s good to outline the main goal, but you should describe step by step how to achieve this goal. You may have to make adjustments to your plans or take a different path. Sometimes stubbornness does not allow you to admit even to yourself that somewhere in this plan a mistake has crept in. Find this mistake and admit that you didn’t do enough work here, re-read point No. 4 and go back into battle.

6. Oddly enough, men are very dependent on the opinions of others. If a company has a morally strong person, he will certainly choose a weaker one and will raise his own self-esteem at his expense. In such a team, it is difficult to throw off the burden of being an eternal loser and a “whipping boy.” There are two options here: either respond to insults or leave. But you can’t run forever. You need to set yourself up, gather all your courage into a fist and put the boor in his place. It’s scary only the first time, but if you always swallow insults, there can be no talk of any self-esteem at all.

7. You should be mentally prepared for self-defense. Practice in front of the mirror, how you stand, how you look. Do your posture and gaze inspire respect? Self-confidence should shine through in everything, in gestures, in conversation, and this can be achieved through training. Make it a rule to talk to your reflection for at least 10 minutes every day. You can imagine that you are talking to your boss or someone you don’t like. Tell him everything you think about him. At first glance, this is a stupid idea, but it only seems so. You must see yourself the way others see you. Over time, you will learn to carry yourself more confidently.

8. Watch your appearance. Nobody likes or respects slobs. Even if your clothes are not from an expensive boutique, they should be neat. Go to a stylist, not just a hairdresser. And don’t argue, men need stylists no less than women. Even a simple change of hairstyle can radically change your life.

9. Start respecting yourself. People who allow their feet to be wiped on them can cause nothing but pity. Moreover, with their behavior they themselves provoke other people to aggression, and only the man himself can break this circle.

Low self-esteem in men. Discussion on the channel “Stillavin and his friends”

On a note

If there is a person in your environment who suffers from low self-esteem, give him a helping hand: teach him how to communicate, inspire him that he is no worse than others, motivate him to do small “deeds” every day, send him to a psychologist. If this is your subordinate, look for hidden talents and potential in him, give him a job that he can do better than others, praise and encourage him more often.

If this is your significant other, it all depends on the degree of neglect of the situation. If a guy (husband) is to blame for a childhood trauma, you are unlikely to expect career growth and high income from him. Men rarely make contact with specialists, preferring to withdraw into their shell. It’s easier with women: if her husband surrounds her with worthy attention, tells her every day how beautiful she is, there will soon be no trace of low self-esteem.

Low self-esteem is the scourge of many modern people, forcing them to live in their own world and hide their true potential. It leads to numerous personality disorders and neuroses, which not only worsen life, but also significantly shorten it. Therefore, you cannot put up with her. Fight, get out of your cocoon to become happy and full-fledged members of society.

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