Unrequited love theme as old as time. How many books, music, paintings, films are dedicated to her. Do you know why? This is a way to get rid of painful love. By realizing oneself in creativity, a person replaces (sublimates) unrealized sexual energy with creative energy. Yes, unrequited love, attachment to someone who doesn’t need you, can bring a lot of harm to a person - stress, grief and, ultimately, depression. There are no painless ways to get rid of this obsession. You have to get rid of love as quickly as possible; there are no painkillers. Many articles have been written on this topic, offering ways to get rid of unrequited love. The methods described below will also help you, if your boyfriend dumped you or young man.
Traditionally, to forget a loved one , they write about five successive steps:
1. Decide to break up.
2. Get rid of everything that connects you with your ex-lover: gifts, things, photos, letters and even the general environment.
3. Give vent to your emotions, do not hold them back.
4. Pamper yourself with a new hairstyle, clothes, shoes, trips to the theater, cinema, nature, whatever brings you pleasure.
5. Learn to do what you previously dreamed of, but did not have the opportunity to do (music, literature, dancing).
Yes, it definitely helps. But in this article I will describe the recommendations of professional psychoanalysts and psychiatrists who practice neurolinguistic programming (NLP).
Unrequited love or one-sided love?
Psychologists say that when a person is unilaterally in love, then most likely it is not about love, but about being in love. In this case, there is no long-term close communication between two people and the one who is in love, in fact, knows little about the subject of his passion. Rose-colored glasses are put on the eyes, which carefully mask all the shortcomings of the person to whom tender feelings are directed. Here they are attracted by external data or fantasized advantages, which in reality may not exist at all.
How to survive unrequited love if, for example, it broke out after one meeting, one stormy night, one romantic date, etc.? During these short moments, it was not difficult for one of the two to be on top; he demonstrated all the best qualities of his nature, tenderness, romance, passion and went out forever... The other side decided that he had met the ideal and was inflamed with a serious passion for the fictional image.
You will object that mutual love relationships always begin with the idealization of the image of the chosen one or the chosen one. And you will, of course, be right. But, mutual love makes people gradually get to know each other better and better. Gradually, illusions cannot withstand the merciless pressure of reality and over time, the first ardent feelings either develop into true love, agreeing to put up with all the shortcomings of the chosen one, or pass without a trace, like an acute respiratory disease.
The problem with unrequited love is that it can exist unbroken for many years, fueled by fantasies and hopes. It’s good to read novels and watch movies about such feelings, but in life it’s better to get rid of them quickly. Really, it’s so fleeting - our life, is it worth devoting it to endless suffering!
De-romanticization method
As you know, people of a romantic mindset tend to fall in love. They idealize love, and therefore any obstacle in this matter is a source of incredible suffering for them. If you are this type of personality, then deromanticization will help you. It is enough to rid a person of the romantic idea of the world, and love passes on its own. To do this, first, read a few mediocre romance novels, however, they are all mediocre (this is especially recommended for men). Talk to a person who does not approve of love in general. These people can be found anywhere, for example, in Moscow there is the Blue Stocking club, where women who do not recognize love gather. You can also search on the Internet. Recently, I managed to find a misogynist website. Such simple support is often effective. Next, if this still doesn’t help, go to work. For romantically minded people, the professions of a builder, nurse, seamstress, or loader will be an excellent remedy. Usually it is enough to stay in this environment for a month or a month and a half, and the rose-colored glasses are removed forever.
Unrequited love in adolescence
Unrequited love is especially painful in adolescence. There is even an opinion that first love is always unhappy. In a sense, unrequited love among teenagers becomes a preventive vaccination for them. Having experienced confusion of feelings in early youth, most young people become stronger psychologically and more attentive in the future to the subject of their new choice.
Fortunately, most teenagers go through this difficult period safely, but for those who are particularly vulnerable and sensitive, it can be prolonged. An inferiority complex may develop and this will have a negative impact on building relationships with the opposite sex in future adult life.
If a young man or girl is suffering greatly, not understanding how to cope with unrequited love, parents should first of all provide support. The trouble is that in adolescence, children often move away from close relatives. Those, often, are not able to help their son or daughter, because they simply do not know exactly how to behave and how to talk to their sons in love.
Lope de Vega method
“If you are too greedy for women, look for flaws in charms,” taught the hero of one of the comedies of the Spanish playwright. Be critical of the object of your former passion.
Recall his or her shortcomings as often as possible. Does he have a small belly? - Great! Believe me, in a few years he would have become flabby and looked like a hog. She doesn't know how to cook? - And he won’t learn! Every time you came home, undercooked potatoes and burnt cutlets would be waiting for you. Find flaws even in advantages. Is she an economical housewife? It's not true, she's just stingy! Is he a good lover? This means he is “doing extra training” somewhere else! The more often you do this, the faster the veil of love will fall from your eyes.
How to help a teenager? Advice from a psychologist for parents
1. Be as tactful as possible when talking to your child about his feelings. Otherwise, the teenager will withdraw and will no longer share his experiences with you.
2. Don’t give advice that is suitable for adults (change your hairstyle, start doing fitness, etc.) Better try to explain that his feelings remained unrequited not because he is bad (not handsome enough, smart enough, etc.) It’s just that people’s feelings do not always coincide, because we are all different and this is absolutely normal.
3. Try sharing memories of your first love. Tell us that once you, too, did not understand how to survive unrequited love. Be candid when talking about your experience and the lessons you learned from it.
4. If you understand that your personal experience is not interesting to your son or daughter, then switch to stories about the fate of the “stars” in whom he is interested.
5. If you feel that your teenager has almost overcome his inner loneliness, try to get him interested in some new activity, sport, or creativity. You can go on a trip together.
If parents see that they cannot help their child on their own and he is immersed deeper and deeper into experiences, then it is better to turn to a professional psychologist and together with him look for ways out of the current situation.
In general, teenage love is a very broad topic and requires separate study. In this article, we have given only general brief recommendations. Further information presented in the article highlights the problems and relationships of adults.
Sigmund Freud's method
The great Freud in his scientific works described such a mechanism of human consciousness as sublimation. It is the process by which energy originally directed toward sexual or aggressive goals is redirected toward other goals, often artistic, intellectual, or cultural. So you should, having fallen in love, direct all your thoughts to creativity. Do you like to draw? Draw! Play music? Even better! Try writing something brilliant (quite seriously), for example an opera or, at worst, a cantata. If you don’t know how to do either one, go and learn! It's never too late to learn to play a musical instrument, learn the basics of painting, or learn a few modern dance moves, expressing your feelings and emotions in it.
By sublimating the energy of love, you will be able to create something beautiful and, most importantly, your crush will go away, and you will gain another talent, which, in turn, can become the basis of a new acquaintance.
Reasons for unrequited love
It happens that a person repeatedly experiences a feeling of unrequited love throughout his life. That is, the same type of situation, “Groundhog Day,” is repeated over and over again. This may indicate existing psychological problems. Such people should attend an appointment with a specialist who will help them understand themselves.
At psychologists' appointments there are many visitors with the same type of problems. For example, a woman says: “I suffer from unrequited love!” - and begins to describe his situation. And here, in the memory of an experienced psychologist, a whole string of similar stories immediately arises about how women choose as the object of their love men who are married and happily married or simply in love with another girl - that is, the most unavailable.
Starting to unravel the tangle of problems of such visitors, the psychologist understands that in their subconscious there is a strong conviction that they are unworthy of love, that dislike is normal for them. And the roots of this psychological anomaly go deep into childhood, when parents were too critical, picky and demanding of their child, scolding and criticizing them for the slightest offense.
There are often situations when unhappy one-sided love is an almost conscious choice. In these cases, women (this happens less often with men) do not feel the need for full-fledged relationships. They need mental anguish, violent feelings, but not a permanent partner for life. This indicates emotional immaturity and requires psychological correction.
There are often situations when a person’s life is so calm and comfortable in all areas that he subconsciously tries to create conditions that would give him the opportunity to suffer and complain. This creates an emotional contrast and subsequently makes you appreciate your past life, which seemed so insipid and boring.
In general, there are many reasons for unrequited love, and those described here are just a drop in the bucket.
Unrequited love for a woman
We have outlined a list of things that can help a man win a woman’s heart:
1. Tenacity and perseverance.
2. Generosity.
3. Romance.
4. Sense of humor.
5. Self-confidence.
6. Noticeable popularity with the opposite sex.
And women adore strength and tenderness in one bottle. These are such strange and contradictory creatures. If a girl doesn't reciprocate, you can try to become her ideal. But, if you feel that you cannot cope with such a difficult task and your love runs away from you like fire, then:
- Don't stalk her. This can cause even greater negative feelings in her soul.
- Try to avoid the sight of a suffering victim; do not show your feelings to others, so as not to provoke their ridicule. After all, it hurts you without it.
- No matter what, lead an active life, do not isolate yourself alone.
- Remember that over time your “stocks” will only grow. Women's beauty quickly fades, but men gain charm over the years. Besides: for ten girls, according to statistics... you know the rest yourself.
- Under no circumstances should you start drowning your sorrows in alcohol. Nothing good will definitely come of this.
Right way of life
Remember that idleness is the source of almost all vices. If your mind is not occupied with anything, then it is not surprising that your head is filled with all sorts of nonsense; Nature, as we know, abhors a vacuum. If you are engaged in active intellectual activity that gives you pleasure, in general, if you have an interesting business (be it your main job or a hobby), thoughts about your ex-partner are unlikely to take over your consciousness. Do not fall for the false propaganda of those who built into absolute own weaknesses, without being able to overcome them. These people, worthy of pity at best, and contempt at worst, have flooded the world with maxims such as “you can’t order your heart”, “accept the inevitable, what can you do - fall in love” and so on. Such nonsense is reminiscent of the rantings of alcoholics and drug addicts who do not want to overcome their vice. Be above this, and you can be proud of yourself, and this is a much greater pleasure than the ephemeral “charms” of love.
Pros of the situation
Imagine that unrequited love can have its advantages - any experienced psychologist will tell you about this. For example, a guy’s unrequited love for a girl can force him to literally “move mountains” in order to achieve the favor of his beloved.
This is a huge incentive for self-improvement. The main thing is to act, and not sit limply in tears and snot. Direct the energy that strong love feelings give you to become better both externally and internally. Try to make your body ideal through sports and fitness, start reading a lot, try to achieve success in your professional activities, etc.
Hard work on yourself will lead to the fact that those around you will be more interested in you, surprised by the changes, and express their admiration for the transformation that has taken place. All this will increase your self-esteem, self-confidence, and open up new prospects that you had never dreamed of before. It may happen that soon you will be able to see the person who caused you so much suffering in a completely different light and will be surprised to feel that the love has passed.
What should a girl who is unrequitedly in love do?
The weaker sex turns out to be not so weak after all. Many girls in love prefer not to sigh and think about how to survive unrequited love for a man, but to act very decisively, trying to win reciprocity by any means, including turning to psychics who promise to cast a powerful love spell. Let us say right away that we do not advise anyone to engage in such dubious things. We only give ethical advice.
If you think that a guy simply hasn’t yet seen your merits and beauty, then psychologists advise in this case to do something that will help open his eyes faster. And to do this, you don’t need to look at the object of your passion from afar. Try to be closer to him! Be feminine and sweet. Clothes and hairstyle, of course, must be impeccable. Unrequited love for a man should become a reason for you to strive for perfection in everything.
We will tell you one secret from a psychologist: give a man to show his best qualities in your presence, the opportunity to perform some chivalrous deeds. Be weak, unprotected, turn to him for help, and when he gives it to you, do not skimp on praise.
Find out what worries your chosen one most in this life. Maybe he's a boxing fan or loves to talk about political topics? Or perhaps he likes to read books by some fashionable modern author? Take action! Try to share his interests and be on the same page with him.
Pasteur's method
Pasteur, as you know, to prevent illness, proposed introducing a weakened infection into the body in order to stimulate the production of immunity. If you are so overwhelmed by romantic dreams and you are tired of crushing them, give them free rein. Find yourself a suitable object of passion and try to have an affair with him. As soon as you feel that you are starting to get attached to it, immediately drop it and immediately look for the next object. After doing this three or four times, you will receive the necessary dose of “medicine” and get rid of thoughts about your past love. But remember, “everything is poison and everything is medicine - the only difference is the dose,” the main thing is not to overdo it, otherwise you will fall in love again. True, a shortage can cause new torment.
How to survive unrequited love? Advice from psychologists
You've read a lot of advice. Most of them concerned situations where there is a prospect of causing reciprocal feelings. Well, what to do if there is no such hope at all, what to do in this case? After all, it is impossible to live, constantly feeling a nagging pain in your heart. They say that mental pain is much stronger than physical pain.
There’s nothing you can do, you’ll have to pull yourself together and try to come to terms with the idea that the person you’re in love with is free and you need to respect his right to this freedom. You understand everything, but don’t know how to forget your loved one? Advice from a psychologist will help you do this. So:
1. Shake yourself up, stop feeling sorry for yourself. Down with laziness! Try to load yourself up with any activity as much as possible. If you don't know what to do, start renovating your apartment or simply rearrange the furniture. Mark the beginning of a new life with something meaningful.
2. Put away photographs of your loved one, his gifts and any things that remind him of him.
3. Start meeting with friends more often, go to the theater, concerts, cinema, parties, etc. But avoid places where you can meet the person you want to forget.
4. Phrases about unrequited love, thoughts that you were not appreciated or reciprocated will still constantly come to mind at first. Don't accept such thoughts. You can argue mentally or out loud that someday he or she will definitely regret the missed opportunities, but their train will leave.
5. Finally, remember that there are many other representatives of the opposite sex in the world. Perhaps someone is showing interest in you, and maybe even worried about unrequited love for you. Try to respond to his feelings. What do you have to lose?
6. Take off your rose-colored glasses. Until now, you have looked at the merits of your loved one through a magnifying glass. Try swapping the pros for the cons. Perhaps you were very lucky that this person passed by.
7. Don’t throw yourself into your work, even though you might want to do just that. Organize your days so that there is always time to relax, to go to the stylist, to the pool or to the park for a walk.
8. Think about your loved ones. Perhaps while you were focused on your unhappy love, your parents, relatives or friends suffered from your inattention and needed help and support.
9. Pay attention to your health. Stress greatly reduces the body's defenses, and a weakened body, in turn, cannot resist stress. See what a vicious circle it turns out to be! You definitely need vitamins, fresh air, sun, positive emotions - all this increases the level of serotonin in the blood. And serotonin is the hormone of happiness.
10. If you do not want and cannot do anything to pull yourself out of the abyss of despair, this means that you have developed severe depression. It is very difficult to cope with it on your own. Try visiting a psychologist's office. Perhaps a specialist will consider it necessary to prescribe you antidepressants.
