What is the danger of inadequate self-esteem and how to recognize it

We suggest conducting an experiment. During the day, in different situations, try to catch yourself thinking. What are they most often about? According to psychologists, 80% of the time a person thinks about himself. How to submit the report in time, what I look like, why he looked at me like that, why the boss called me, what I want to eat for lunch. At first glance, it may seem that most of the questions concern the daily routine, facts, and activities. In fact, we all reflect, that is, we evaluate ourselves:

Well done for being able to submit the report. I look worse than usual. He likes me. I'm afraid to go to the boss. I'm fat, it's time to lose weight.

It is self-esteem that we devote 80% of our thoughts to, so we definitely cannot ignore it. And the better you understand what it is and how to raise or lower it to an adequate level, the more successful your life will be and the stronger your mental health.

What is self-esteem

In psychology, the definition of self-esteem is given in different ways. For example, Robert Burns (England) includes it in his “I-concept” and interprets it as the totality of all a person’s ideas about himself. W. James (USA) classifies it as a primary emotion and puts it on a par with anger and pain. S. L. Rubinstein (Russia) considered it the core of self-awareness and an indicator of the level of development of each individual person and one of the main conditions for the transformation of an individual into a personality.

If we summarize the work of domestic and foreign psychologists, self-esteem can be defined as a personal formation, formed under the influence of external factors and self-development, regulating a person’s behavior and reflecting the originality of his inner world.

Everyone needs it for self-determination. Adequate or inadequate, can lead either to harmony and happiness, or to conflicts, neuroses and dissatisfaction with life.

Factors influencing the formation of self-esteem

Inadequate self-esteem is always bad; it creates discomfort and problems for both the person himself and his environment. But can an individual be blamed for having a wrong self-image? Under the influence of what is self-esteem formed?

Social factors

The foundations of self-esteem are laid in childhood, from the moment when the baby becomes aware of his “I” and begins to compare himself with other children and adults. But in preschool, and even at primary school age, children cannot yet adequately analyze their qualities and their behavior, therefore the evaluative sphere is formed entirely under the influence of adults. Remember how V. Mayakovsky wrote: “The little son came to his father, and the little one asked: “What is good?” And what is bad?

Therefore, it is the wrong actions of adults that give impetus to the formation of inadequate self-esteem. Here are some of them:

unfair or excessive punishments;
unreasonable and too frequent praise;
constant comparison of the child with other children to show his weaknesses, inability, disobedience;
the position of a “king” in the family or a favorite at school;
emphasizing and focusing the child’s attention on his failures and mistakes.

Child psychologists believe that, in general, praise and encouragement are more beneficial, while constant reprimands and punishments are harmful. The fact is that we experience negative emotions more strongly than positive ones. And unpleasant sensations are stored in memory longer and have a stronger impact on our behavior. This happened in the process of evolution.

The opinions of people around us have a great influence on the formation of self-esteem and of an adult, especially when it comes to socially significant people whose opinions are important to us

Personal factors

The formation of self-esteem is also influenced by a person’s individual characteristics, the uniqueness of emotions, temperament, and character.

People with a sensitive psyche worry more about their failures and about the assessments of others than those who are less emotional.

A person whose melancholic traits predominate tends to get upset even over a minor random remark and remember it for a long time.
A phlegmatic person may not even pay attention to the remark.
Closed, unsociable introverts worry less about the assessments of others than sociable extroverts. On the other hand, extroverts, due to their tendency to demonstrate behavior, often suffer from inflated self-esteem. But people who avoid people and prefer solitude often consider themselves superior to others and despise those around them who are unworthy of communicating with them.

That is, individual personality characteristics certainly influence the formation of self-esteem, but its vector is determined primarily by the social environment. There is another important factor related to a person’s assessment of his own “I”.

Level of aspiration

We all strive for something in life, we set goals for ourselves. And these goals are different: some want to earn money for a new apartment, some want to create their own thriving company, and for others a trip to the sea is the ultimate dream. The degree of complexity, difficulty of a goal or task that a person defines for himself is the level of his aspirations.

Just like self-esteem, the level of aspirations can be adequate or inadequate. Adequate is one where goals correspond to human capabilities. If a school graduate with poor knowledge and low Unified State Exam grades decides to apply to a prestigious metropolitan university, then he clearly has an inadequate, inflated level of aspirations. And when a good student refuses to enroll in a higher education institution because he is afraid of failure, then his level of aspiration is too low. Both are bad.

The level of aspirations is formed under the influence of successes and failures that accompany a person on the path of life, and, in turn, affects the formation of self-esteem. After all, an athlete, constantly setting a bar for himself that he cannot jump over, will very quickly become disappointed in his abilities and in the ability to achieve success. And a low level of aspirations does not contribute to the development of self-esteem and self-confidence.

But psychologists still believe that a low level is worse than a high level and has a bad effect on the formation of personality and its position in society. It makes a person a socially passive loser who does not strive for success.

Functions

Adequate self-esteem performs a number of important functions in a person’s life:

adaptive - promotes socialization;
protective - ensures stability and independence;
corrective - teaches self-control;
motivating - makes you go forward and achieve your goals;
reflective - allows you to see yourself from the outside;
prognostic - stimulates at the beginning of activity;
developing - motivates to improve;
regulatory - provides a choice;
retrospective - allows you to draw conclusions after the end of the activity;
terminal - allows you to stop at any time;
emotional - gives a feeling of harmony, happiness, self-satisfaction.

With inadequate self-esteem, these functions are disrupted and lead to a decrease in quality of life.

What is self-esteem?

Levels

By level it can be:

underestimated (low);
adequate;
overestimated (high).

There may be different gradations within them:

inflated level: above average, high, inadequately high;
understated: below average, low, inadequately low.

The most serious problems with self-esteem arise at its extreme gradations - if it is inadequately high or inadequately low. In the absence of psychological help, this leads to social maladaptation, professional failure, and failures in family life. A person does not realize himself in any areas and withdraws, which provokes various personality disorders and even suicide.

Kinds

Depending on relevance:

prognostic (the one that happened in the past);
current (the one that is now);
retrospective (one that can be formed in the future).

Depending on distribution:

general (manifested by a person in most situations);
private (at work, with family, with friends);
specific situational (in unforeseen situations, with unfamiliar people).

Depending on the flow:

conflictual / destructive;
conflict-free/constructive.

Depending on consistency:

stable / stable;
unstable/unstable.

The latter classification is used quite often, since unstable self-esteem can lead to mental problems. For example, a tyrant boss at work turns into a humble henpecked boss at home. The result is dissociative identity disorder. Or the girl recently underwent treatment for alopecia and considered herself worse than everyone else, but today she won a beauty contest, albeit a regional one, and now considers herself almost a goddess. Diagnosis: megalomania.

Therefore, it is so important to promptly form and constantly maintain the foundations of stable self-esteem: introspection, self-development and healthy relationships with other people.

Brief description of levels

The main character traits of a person who has adequate self-esteem:

a realistic view of yourself and your achievements;
critical assessment of one's capabilities;
setting goals that can be achieved;
state of harmony;
self-confidence and self-confidence;
realizing your talents and abilities;
goodwill, but at the same time the ability to say “no” in the right situation;
the ability to admit your mistakes and correct them;
self-discipline;
constant self-development.

Such people, as a rule, have stable career growth, good family relationships, a circle of friends, and respect from others.

When the level is too high, the following are observed:

unshakable confidence in one’s own rightness;
imposing your opinion on everyone around you;
intransigence in disputes, inability to lose;
failure to admit one's mistakes;
constant competition with everyone;
placing blame and responsibility for failures on others;
denial of one's own shortcomings;
selfishness.

People with such a character can achieve career heights, but become despot bosses. In family life, these are despot husbands and bitch wives. They rarely make friends. People around them try to avoid them.

A low level is characterized by:

constant self-criticism;
dissatisfaction with one’s own behavior, actions, and whole life;
resentment towards any criticism;
indecision;
fear of mistakes;
dependence on other people's opinions;
the desire to please everyone;
inability to say “no”;
a constant feeling of guilt, which over time becomes neurotic;
pessimism;
envy of the achievements and successes of other people;
prone to rumors and gossip.

Such people rarely achieve professional heights. These are uninitiative gray mice, which, however, can cope well with routine work. In the family, these are henpecked husbands who take care of children and housework, and humble wives who indulge their husbands in everything. If there are friends, then they are the same as them. Relationships with others do not go well, since they are most often outcasts in society.

Adequate self-esteem of the individual. Characteristics ↑

Adequate self-esteem, which is a truthful and reasonable assessment by an individual of his abilities, as well as moral and physical qualities, is indispensable for a person’s full life and his harmonious interaction with the outside world.

A healthy self-perception allows you to correctly calculate your strengths and take a realistic approach to choosing tasks.

Signs of adequate self-esteem:

The ability to turn any changes to your advantage . Numerous examples prove that an insecure person is easily unsettled by even the smallest changes in his life, while an individual devoid of complexes perceives them as an impetus for further development.
Calm acceptance of constructive criticism . Fair comments expressed in a sensitive manner can help improve certain human qualities. Adequate individuals understand this perfectly well and therefore always prefer to hear the bitter truth instead of sugary lies that entail resentment and disappointment.
Ability to withstand stress . Emotional stress that occurs during stressful situations tends to have a destructive effect on the human body. The ability to gather your will “into a fist” and take control of everything that happens in a timely manner is an important skill that allows you to maintain strong spiritual and physical health.
The desire not only to accept, but also to share . When counseling people who have excessively high or low self-esteem, experts often talk about how important it is to learn to give without demanding anything in return. This quality makes a person happier, but, unfortunately, it is not at all characteristic of notorious losers.
The art of coping with negative emotions . An individual who has the habit of taking out his bad mood on his household, work colleagues and other people around him risks, ultimately, leading himself to a nervous breakdown or plunging into a prolonged depression. A person with adequate self-esteem acts differently - he directs “bad” energy into a peaceful direction and waits for the negative emotions to dry up.

How is it formed

Children's

Preschoolers

As a rule, a preschooler's self-esteem is slightly inflated, and this is not a pathology. They are still just learning to live in the world around them, idealizing both it and themselves, trying to be like adults. No one will criticize young children for their appearance. Everyone is touched by them, they dress them up like dolls, and admire them. They may be scolded for their behavior, but this is done by those people whom they trust. Despite the punishments, they still know that they are loved.

However, it is worth considering that the foundation of self-esteem is laid precisely at this age.

Understatement at this stage occurs in children from disadvantaged families if they do not hear words of admiration addressed to them and do not see beautiful outfits. Subsequently, even if they manage to reach certain heights, they will always doubt themselves.

Overpriced - exactly the opposite: the child is bought all the best and his exclusivity is instilled in him. In the future, even if he does not realize himself, he may develop delusions of grandeur. It can be extremely difficult for psychotherapists to get to the bottom of such self-inflated self-importance.

Junior School

In younger schoolchildren, self-esteem undergoes significant changes. The parents' opinion about the child is supplemented by the attitude of teachers and classmates, and it can be different. The simultaneous formation of discipline and social adaptation gradually begin to lower the bar. It turns out that compared to others, he is not the smartest, not the most beautiful, etc. With adequate support from his parents, problems will not arise. If adults scold the child for every failure at school, self-esteem will rapidly fall.

high school

From 5th to 7th grade is a relatively calm period. Hormonal surges, exams, falling in love and other tests are still ahead, so children evaluate themselves more or less adequately. Inflated egos are diagnosed in those who are spoiled by parents, favorites of teachers and informal leaders in classes. Low self-esteem stretches from childhood and elementary school, turning children into gray mice and outcasts.

High school

According to statistics, about 50% of high school students are not able to evaluate themselves adequately. There are many reasons: puberty with hormonal surges, unrequited love, career guidance, upcoming exams, fears of a future life outside of school. Most teenagers aged 13-17 years old need help from a psychologist.

Men's

The formation of self-esteem in men in childhood occurs under the influence of a combination of different factors: parental upbringing, relationships with friends, success at school, appearance. Even if there are problems in any of these areas, the boys immediately realize themselves in something else.

A good example: a child prodigy with a frail physique fails in physical education classes, but at the same time takes prizes in mathematics Olympiads. Or a poor student who is not good at science goes into sports and achieves results there.

In adulthood, men's self-esteem depends mainly on career growth, income and social status.

According to statistics, 20% of men have low self-esteem, 40% have high self-esteem and 40% have adequate self-esteem.

Women's

A woman's self-esteem is most often formed under the influence of her father. If he raised her like a princess (within reason), problems usually don't arise in adulthood. If he was unable to find an approach to his daughter or was completely absent, the determining factor becomes the mother’s upbringing, and in adolescence, first the influence of friends, and then the attention of boys.

In adulthood, women's self-esteem largely depends on appearance and recognition from men. Even iron ladies who occupy leadership positions feel like a fragile girl inside, waiting for protection and compliments from the fairer sex.

According to statistics, 75% of women have low self-esteem, 10% have high self-esteem and 15% have adequate self-esteem. This is explained by a tendency to self-examination, close and not always justified attention to the smallest details, and high demands on oneself.

Despite the fact that the foundation of self-esteem is laid in childhood, its development occurs throughout life, as it depends on external factors: career and social adaptation in the first place. An example is stars who have achieved world fame, but who were humiliated by their peers or parents as children. Julia Roberts, for example, hated herself for her big mouth, and Sylvester Stallone for his facial paralysis. Now they are successful, loved by everyone and satisfied with themselves.

Its formation

The sources of its formation in an individual differ for each person. Nevertheless, from all of them, several can be distinguished. Many works by famous scientists have been written on the topic of the sources of its formation, and each scientist adds something of his own, without changing the main ones.

Over the centuries in which the science of psychology existed, the sources of formation changed, and this is the structure we can see now:

Comparison of your ideal self and your real self.
Society's opinion of this individual.
Self-assessment of your own achievements.
Comparing oneself with an idol or an individual who represents perfection for a given individual.

Thus, we can judge that the individual’s value system, in contrast to the value system, begins to form and change over time. But this process begins from a very early age, from about 3 years old, when the child begins to actively study the world around him and his place in it.

The first rethinking of one's own significance usually begins during adolescence and continues throughout its entire duration.

Diagnostics

Dembo-Rubinstein

One of the most famous and adapted diagnostic methods is Dembo-Rubinstein. It was developed in 1962 by T. V. Dembo (American psychologist), and then supplemented in 1970 by S. Ya. Rubinstein (Soviet psychologist).

The psychologist sequentially draws vertical lines on a piece of paper, announcing that these are scales of happiness, character, intelligence and health. The person is given the task of marking himself on them. After that, he is asked to show where, in his opinion, happy people are located on these columns. It is not difficult to guess that those who have low self-esteem put themselves under them; above them - those who are overestimated; somewhere nearby - who has it adequately.

Rubinstein, using a modification of the De Greefe test, supplemented this diagnosis with a children's version. When working with the mind scale, schoolchildren are asked to compare themselves with the teacher and classmates, etc.

Zang scale

The purpose of the technique is to identify the level of self-assessment of anxiety. It was developed by psychotherapist W. Zang at Duke University (North Carolina, USA). The self-esteem scale consists of 20 statements to which you need to give monosyllabic answers:

rarely;
Sometimes;
often;
Often.

Before filling out the questionnaire, you are warned that answers must be given based on your own condition over the last 5-6 days.

Next, the psychologist sums up the points and gets the result:

up to 44 - normal / corresponds to adequate self-esteem;
45-59 - mild or moderate anxiety / self-esteem requires adjustment, can be either overestimated or underestimated;
60-74 - pronounced or severe anxiety / low self-esteem;
75-80 - extremely severe anxiety disorder / critically low self-esteem, requiring serious intervention from a specialist.

The Zang scale (abbreviated as ZARS - Zung Anxiety Rating Scale) allows you to determine a person’s self-esteem, and not just the degree of his anxiety.

Self-assessment sheets

They are actively used by teachers, together with school psychologists, or administrators. They allow you to identify how students/workers evaluate themselves in the classroom/workplace. Regular tracking of results allows you to determine a person’s level of self-esteem.

Sample self-assessment sheet for a primary school student:

For high school students:

Employees are usually asked to rate on a ten-point scale such indicators as:

volume of work tasks completed;
the quality of their implementation;
competence;
independence;
desire for self-development and professional development;
punctuality, discipline;
thrift;
reliability;
relationships with colleagues;
relations with superiors;
innovative activity, creativity, creative potential;
social work.

Full-time psychologists work with the results of such diagnostic sheets. In clinical and advanced cases, they provide all possible assistance or refer to a more experienced and professional specialist.

Diagnostics is not limited to these methods; there are many more of them. But most often it is test questionnaires (Leary, Rosenberg, Eysenck, Budassi, Cattell, Schur and others) that are used.

Warning. Numerous online tests do not give an accurate idea of the level of self-esteem for various reasons: unknown authorship, inappropriate environment and condition (a psychologist prepares for such a diagnosis), brief and unprofessional interpretation of the results, disposable and entertaining nature. So, if you are interested in this topic, either go for a consultation with a specialized specialist, or look for the author’s famous questionnaires.

Working techniques

In NLP (neurolinguistic programming) there are various techniques for working with self-esteem for its correction and proper formation.

Positive attitude

It is important to assess every situation positively. If it was successful, praise yourself; if it was a failure, draw conclusions and work on your mistakes. This technique involves speaking affirmations and self-persuasion.

List of weaknesses and strengths

2 lists are created. The first indicates positive qualities and character traits, the second indicates negative ones. A certain amount of time is allocated to work with each weakness (3 days, a week, a month, six months). After the deadline, the results are summed up and the lists are rewritten.

Lists of expectations - your own and those around you

One list contains your own goals and objectives, the other lists what others expect from you. Points are compared, intersections remain, and parallels are discarded or paused depending on your own desires.

For example:

your parents want you to get a higher education;
the young man sees you as a housewife and mother of his children;
A friend persuades me to open my own recording studio.

You yourself plan to become the owner of a studio - this point is left. You also don’t throw away the opportunity to graduate from university, but in the future, you put it on pause. But you definitely don’t want to be a housewife - cross it out.

What is the essence of technology? It will help you clearly set semantic priorities not only for yourself, but also for those around you. You can tell them your plans and move towards your goal.

Introspection

Every day before going to bed, it is recommended to mentally or in writing analyze how the day went, what significant happened, and the degree of your participation in what happened. Try to understand why you acted one way and not another in a given situation, what can be corrected, what mistakes should be avoided in the future.

Goal setting

Think about what goal you are striving for and what you have to achieve it. Do your aspirations match your capabilities? Do you want to become a department head? Think about whether you can carry this burden on yourself, as your colleagues, family, and friends see it. If your expectations match, you have adequate self-esteem, achieve what you want. If you want it, but those around you don’t, talk to them (openly, without aggression) why, and start working on lowering your standards. If it’s the other way around, learn to look at yourself from the outside and think about yourself in a positive way.

All of the above techniques are independent work on self-esteem, which allows you to adequately look at yourself from the outside. However, in some cases, specialist help is necessary. Psychologists have their own correction methods.

Training

A psychologist can sign you up for various group trainings. They teach you to communicate, to look at yourself through the eyes of others, and to trust. For this purpose, tests, situational tasks, and role-playing games are used.

Three questions technique

Psychologists have an excellent technique that consists of just three questions: What am I? How am I different from the rest? How do I feel about myself? The answers may be discussed over a period of hours, days, or even weeks. The result of the course is the formation of an adequate attitude towards oneself and vision of oneself in the world around us.

Ego state according to Burn

A popular technique used to work with various psychological problems. The client evaluates the relationship between three images that live inside him: Parent, Adult and Child. With adequate self-esteem, they coexist peacefully; with overestimated self-esteem, a capricious and selfish Child rules; with underestimated self-esteem, a strict Parent rules everything. The task of the correction course is to make them equal.

Self-esteem is one of the fundamental concepts in psychology, on which many others are based. Some personality disorders, only indirectly related to physiology, originate from here. Therefore, you need to constantly monitor yourself so that, under the influence of some factors, you do not lower or raise this bar. After all, your success and self-sufficiency will depend on it.

“Lack of self-confidence is a consequence of inflated self-esteem”

What is self-esteem? Why is it healthy for some people and not for others? How to form adequate self-esteem? We talked about this with Natalia Vladimirovna Inina , a practicing psychologist, employee of the Faculty of Psychology of Moscow State University. M.V. Lomonosov, teacher of the Faculty of Psychology of the Russian Pedagogical University of St. John the Theologian.

Natalia Vladimirovna, what is self-esteem, and what are the reasons that some people have high self-esteem, while others have low self-esteem?

The word itself reflects its meaning: self-esteem is a person’s ability to evaluate himself. This is an extremely important property of the human psyche. We are constantly in the process of matching our capabilities with the tasks that we set for ourselves. We are talking not only about something significant, complex, requiring attention. Such elementary actions as jumping over a puddle or cutting off a piece of bread also require us to be able to assess our physical condition, eye, etc. In other words, self-esteem always accompanies us - it is a way of building our control, measurement, and standard of behavior.

The main problems of self-esteem consist in the correlation of ourselves, the image of Self that we build in our heads, and the reality that surrounds us. Self-esteem can be called a tuning fork between the “I” and the real world. Self-esteem can be adequate - that is, my “I” is not at the center of the world, the world is not obliged to serve my needs. I am part of this world and am learning to speak the same language with it. I am a living participant in real existence, which means that the same things happen to me that can happen to other people. I can make mistakes, like other people, I may not know something, and that doesn’t make me stupid, I may not be able to do something, but that doesn’t mean I can’t learn. I project such an adequate attitude towards myself, such a healthy view of myself onto other people. Their life, their actions, their behavior are performed next to me, and not for my sake. They, just like me, have the right to the fullness of life with its ups and downs, achievements and failures.

Inadequate self-esteem will always accompany a person’s internal ill-being and intrapersonal conflict. In turn, such self-esteem will be the reason and source of external problems, such as communication difficulties, problems of self-realization, and so on. Inadequate self-esteem can be “overestimated” or “underestimated”. A person with high self-esteem builds his ideal image without relating it to real experience, real circumstances, real reactions of people. Such a person always idealizes himself, he perceives himself as a gift to humanity, he feels better, smarter, more talented than others. This assessment of himself allows him to behave self-confidently, peremptorily, and often simply brazenly and unceremoniously. This, in turn, pushes other people away and interferes with building open, friendly relationships. As a result, a person with high self-esteem often becomes suspicious, suspicious, aggressive, touchy and begins to push away any situations and other people that do not coincide with his idea of himself.

A person with low self-esteem is a timid, insecure, complex person who does not set bright goals for himself, being content with ordinary tasks. He is prone to self-accusation and increased anxiety. Such a person is usually extremely shy, overly modest, afraid to make decisions, and prefers to be in the shadows. It is sad if a person with low self-esteem is endowed with talents - uncertainty and complexes can turn out to be an insurmountable obstacle to the realization of his talents. As a result, all the richness of his nature may remain unfulfilled.

A person’s self-esteem is formed in childhood; in fact, it is born from the attitude of parents towards the child. It is very important how the parents treat the baby: whether they praise or not, support or not very much, admire some of his actions or give calmer comments on his actions. Parents' attitudes lay the building blocks for a child's basic self-esteem. Later, the spectrum expands, other significant adults, kindergarten, school are involved in the formation of self-esteem, and already in a relatively adult state, around the time of graduation, the process of self-esteem begins, that is, self-assessment of oneself.

It is worth paying attention to a very interesting paradox. We habitually use the concepts of “low self-esteem” and “inflated self-esteem.” People come to a psychologist and say: “I have low self-esteem, I’m not confident, I can’t speak in public, I’m lost, I’m embarrassed. What should we do about it? But if you take a closer look, it turns out that these people actually have a hidden inflated self-esteem: it seems to them that if they speak in public, then they must say very smart things; if they do something, they must do it very well. People with low self-esteem are often perfectionists.

And, conversely, people with high self-esteem on a subconscious level are extremely vulnerable and insecure. It can be said that their external presentation does not correspond to their internal, deep sense of self. Upon closer communication with such a self-confident person, it suddenly turns out that he is sensitive, vulnerable, sentimental, and deep down in his soul he sometimes feels lost, useless and lonely.

It turns out an interesting thing: a person with inadequate self-esteem simultaneously has both of these extremes. True, if an inflated self-esteem is presented at a conscious level, then an underestimated one will be hidden not only from prying eyes, but also from the person himself. And, conversely, if a person is not confident in himself, if he has low self-esteem, then in the depths of the unconscious he will consider himself better than others, but he will not be able to realize and express this. For example, people with an anxious and suspicious character, insecure, are characterized by low self-esteem, although in fact they are very often demanding of themselves and believe that they must do everything with five marks. The opposite extreme is self-confident, smug, arrogant people who think that they do everything perfectly, better than others. But if we dig a little further, we can see a fairly large area of uncertainty that such people simply crowd out. Thus, both of them crowd out the opposite extreme of self-esteem: insecure people crowd out high self-esteem, and self-confident people crowd out low self-esteem.

This paradoxical mechanism is inherent in our psyche. Without going into details, let's just say that the presence of inadequate self-esteem is always associated with a situation of neurotic splitting of personality. We are not talking about clinical diagnoses, but only about the typical state of a modern person who communicates poorly with himself. If we remember Eric Fromm and his brilliant book “To be or to have?”, then modern man is increasingly sliding into “having” and less and less able to “be”. In other words, a person increasingly turns into a collection of the best self-presentations, increasingly losing touch with his true “I”. And the larger this gap, this personal gap between a person’s reality and his self-presentation, the more inadequate his self-esteem will be.

Many wonderful books are devoted to this neurotic state. I have already given the example of Fromm, but one can also recall the classic book for psychology, “The Neurotic Personality of Our Time” by Karen Horney. The author describes this neurotic state and its causes and connects these problems with inadequate self-esteem. This is a rather painful state, because a person is fixated on himself. If he does something, it is very important to him how he looks, how others evaluate him, what place he occupies among the others - whether he is first, second or fifteenth. Or even the last one. That is, he is more important to himself than anything else, and the world, as well as other people, begins to be a background for him. It is this condition that is called neurotic.

Does neurosis develop in childhood or does it also occur in adulthood?

Adults are also susceptible to the influence of neurotic mechanisms, but still the main reasons are laid down in childhood. Let's imagine a puny boy with poor eyesight, a bespectacled boy, who is teased and bullied at school. If this smart boy is brought up in a healthy family, then he will choose a healthy behavior strategy. First he will try to defend himself in some way. This may be an attempt to come to an agreement, or it may be an attempt, quite understandable for this age, to fight back. If this fails, then he will begin to look for some other support for himself in the group of peers, but in any case this will be open, honest behavior towards others and towards himself.

But let’s imagine that worried parents are waiting for him at home, who every day are outraged by the behavior of his classmates, inflate an already upset child, start calling the parents of the offenders or the teacher and complain or become indignant - that is, they behave not constructively, but emotionally and resentfully. In this case, the child will begin to adapt to the situation in a different way. Let me remind you that we are talking about a smart boy who thinks better than others in the class. He can withdraw into himself and label those around him as fools, not allow them to write off, behave arrogantly, saying, “You are all fools, and I don’t care how you treat me.” This will be the beginning of high self-esteem in the future. Or maybe he will withdraw into himself, begin to be afraid, ingratiate himself, look for a strong friend who can protect him - then we have a model that will develop into low self-esteem.

In this way, a neurotic defense is formed when a person comes up with simple ones in childhood, and in adulthood more complex defenses against internal vulnerability, vulnerability, uncertainty or some kind of trauma. A kind of cocoon or armor is formed. And, of course, inadequate self-esteem is a powerful part of this armor, its tool.

A person is not aware of all these processes happening to him?

Yes, these mechanisms work on an unconscious level. You see, when we say “defense,” we mean that a person protects himself from something that hurts him or makes him feel bad. Strictly speaking, this is what happens: in childhood we feel bad, scared, we experience loneliness and pain. This is not always associated with a direct threat, a direct negative attitude towards the child. It is most often simply present in various difficult circumstances in the life of parents: it could be divorce, quarrels, the loss of a loved one, illness. But the peculiarities of the child’s psyche are that he experiences everything only through himself, since the child’s consciousness is egocentric. Children often say: “It’s because of me that dad left,” “It’s because of me that mom got sick.” When something happens in our childhood, we cling to this idea: “it happened because of me.” Then we begin to somehow defend ourselves from this, make excuses, explain all this to ourselves, and a layer of defense mechanisms arises, a neurotic way of interacting with the world and with ourselves is formed.

If we talk about the Christian understanding of this topic, then I would pay attention to such a painful experience or passion as pride. Pride is precisely associated with inadequate self-esteem. This is always a miss of the target (in Greek it is a sin and means a miss, missing the target): either an “overshoot”, that is, I am incredibly wonderful, extraordinary and beautiful, or a “undershoot”, that is, I am terrible and unhappy, but at least my misfortune more terrible than all misfortunes, and it cannot be worse. This is all an attempt to be like that.

Recently I heard one interesting phrase: “Both a chauvinist and a person who condemns his Fatherland have the same diagnosis. One says that my country is the best, the other says that it is the worst. But the main thing here is that she is “the one.” That is, personal psychological characteristics are even projected onto the attitude towards the country...

This is a very beautiful analogy that we can also rely on. Look what happens when we talk about a country in this way: we single it out from all the others. That is, our country is not the same as all others: good in some ways, bad in some ways, worthy in some ways, not so good in others, but it is special. And we do this in order to separate ourselves from other countries and emphasize our individuality and uniqueness.

A person does the same with himself. If he has inadequate self-esteem, he seems to isolate himself from other people. It is important for him to be different from everyone else, to distinguish himself from this common field: either I am the best, or I am the most unfortunate - but then you have never seen someone as unhappy as me. And try to give him help - he will not accept it! It is important for him to stay in his ivory castle.

What does this lead to? To the point that a person becomes lonely. After all, it is very difficult for him to interact with other people, because between him and others there is this protective layer of incorrect self-esteem and pride.

Why is it important for a person to be exceptional? How does this help make life easier, create protection in a situation of injury?

Very good question. Why is this even necessary? The fact is that pride or inadequate self-esteem is formed precisely during childhood and is, as we have already said, a defense. That bespectacled boy defends himself with his extraordinary intelligence. But what is he protecting himself from? Because he can’t fight back, that he’s weak, that he’s a little cowardly. He defends himself with his mind, instead of honestly telling himself: “I’m a coward. I need to go to some boxing club for training and finally fight back against this fool Vasya, who is attacking me.” And thus restore your status quo. Or tell yourself: “I can’t give him back, and I don’t want to waste my time and energy on this at all. Well, God bless him, this Vasya, I’ll try not to pay attention to it.” But for real, honestly. And then he will be real, he will present himself to the world as he is. And when he puts on some protective clothing, he is presenting himself, and not being himself.

After all, people who consider themselves unhappy and unfulfilled cannot say to themselves: “Actually, I’m lazy, inert, I don’t want to do everything that needs to be done in order to somehow succeed. I want but I can not. Well, okay, in the end, I’ll be a housewife.” No, they usually say something completely different: “My circumstances didn’t work out,” “I gave birth to a child too early,” “My husband is too demanding.” That is, someone else is always to blame, but not her.

This is very convenient because you don’t present what you really have. It's like you're trying to look better than you are. And in this regard, inadequate self-esteem and pride in its various manifestations are armor from reality. At the same time, a person constantly lives in the mode of self-presentation, always plays some kind of game, portrays something, but cannot be himself.

Is reality so terrible for him that he cannot bear it?

Yes exactly. Either reality is terrible because it is aggressive, or it is terrible because it is indifferent and cruel to me. Pictures of this terrible reality can be anything. The main thing is to properly isolate yourself from this reality, move away, and not come into contact with it as much as possible. I want to play a game that I invented for myself. And, of course, such a false strategy dooms a person to loneliness, because it is very difficult for him to say to himself: I am the same as others. I'm ordinary. For a neurotic, this is simply an unthinkable phrase.

One woman with whom I happened to work had very high self-esteem, a lot of pride, because of this her relationship with a young man suffered, because she wanted to be in first place for him all the time, everything else could not be more important than her . At a certain point in the conversation, I suggested that she mentally use the motto: “I’m second!” At least the second... After all, her friend had parents, a favorite job, friends, he could not be focused only on his girlfriend. “I can’t think like that,” she protested, “It’s impossible!” She couldn’t even come to terms with the role of “second”; she only wanted to be “first”!

Another option is to be “last”. There are sufferers who complain all the time, suffer, their life is full of self-abasement. Women often resort to this style, and these are the real manipulators. They constantly manipulate illness, poor health, poor condition. Everyone should be running around them, fussing, feeling guilty: “Well, she needs to be helped, she’s suffering and suffering so much!”

This is the same picture, just veiled beyond recognition. And the mechanism is exactly the same: how can I tell everyone that I’m lazy, I can’t do something, I don’t want something? It is impossible to admit this. So I start to pretend, to play. Usually these are hysterical types of character, artistic, demonstrative natures; they need to attract attention to themselves, to portray some special role. These women are constantly suffering from unknown diseases, which are cured tomorrow, and then reappear. After all, they need to manipulate something, and, as a rule, these are either physical ailments or emotional ones.

And all this is also about self-esteem, because it is the inability to truly evaluate oneself, to see what is, to notice the beam in one’s own eye.

Is there a child inside a person who is afraid, or is it a mixture of an adult’s fears and a child’s reaction?

It is always a mixture, an interaction of different levels. A child may not only be afraid, he may also, for example, be offended. The more we ignore our childhood, the more childhood takes over us on a subconscious level. And we can raise such a monster child for ourselves who will be a dictator, demanding, capricious, constantly offended and offending. But the person himself will not be aware of where the impulse for such destructive behavior comes from. He will simply string various details of adult life, already adult grievances, claims, reactions onto this behavior.

In order to help deal with this tangle of problems, it is necessary, of course, to simultaneously work with both the child and adult levels, especially with the value-semantic sphere. Who comes first: me or someone besides me who still exists in this world? A proud person or a person with inadequate self-esteem always puts himself first. He's at the center of everything.

If we start from the Christian idea that pride is the root of all sins and, in general, the scourge of humanity since the Fall, it turns out that the picture you describe is typical for all people. Or is it not?

To a large extent. After all, a person is shaped not only by childhood experience, but also by school, and society in a broad sense, the sociocultural context. And the environment, mass culture makes a huge contribution to the alienation of a person from himself. The emphasis is on self-presentation, and not at all on the existence of a person. The magazine “Egoist”, books for women “I’m Alone at My Place” and so on and so forth. Society offers endless rotation around one’s own person.

Of course you need to take care of yourself. But there must be some healthy balance between self-love and love for others. This is also stated in the Gospel: “Love your neighbor as yourself.”

Maybe if a person has a civil war inside him, then he simply does not have the resources to stop focusing on himself and look around?

Yes, there are times when a person is in a very deplorable situation, when a lot of problems fall on him. Sometimes people come to me with very severe depression, not endogenous, internal, but exogenous, associated with some life circumstances. First one thing falls on them, then another, then a third. The husband left, the house burned down, the daughter left - it is clear that in such a situation it is too early to ask a woman to take a realistic look at herself. First you need to help her just “get up” from her knees, look into the future with hope, and only then talk about deeper and more serious work with herself, which will necessarily involve building a more adequate critical view of herself.

What can be done to regain an adequate self-image, adequate self-esteem?

There is a very beautiful phrase from the book of Metropolitan Anthony of Sourozh “Man”: “Question yourself.” What does it mean? The Lord says that we should try to look at ourselves critically, with love, but critically. Honestly ask yourself: what am I doing wrong? Let's say some difficult situation arises. What does the average person do? He blames others. Near ones, distant ones, environment, weather - but not yourself.

Yes, those close, distant and the weather influence me, but I’m a living person and I could also have missed something. And here we come to a very important and supporting topic - the right to make mistakes.

Why do we become so afraid of being ourselves as children? Very often this is due to the lack of room for error. Because the child is not given this right; he is immediately castigated for any mistake. And the right to make a mistake is an invaluable right, because if I live, I inevitably make mistakes. And if I treat my mistakes correctly, if I give myself the right to be imperfect, then when I fall, I get up completely calmly. I think about where I missed, where I overestimated or underestimated my capabilities, what external and internal factors influenced me. And I carry out this internal monitoring and analysis, on the one hand, with self-acceptance, and on the other, with a willingness to admit what I did wrong.

If we talk about correcting self-esteem, then the experience of acceptance is very important.

Other people or yourself?

If we are talking about some kind of psychological pathology, then in the vast majority of cases we are dealing with childhood. And this means that in childhood there was an experience of rejection. And if he was in childhood, then I must first learn to accept myself.

Of course, I need support - it could be a priest or a psychologist, maybe a loved one who supports me and believes in me. But this is not enough, because if I do not accept myself, I do not learn to do this, then the mechanism of the so-called unsatisfiable need will be triggered. That is, everyone will support me, but all the time it will not be enough for me. And this is a dead end. It's like a black hole into which everything falls, but there is no filling. Close people sometimes run out of patience: how long can you give him support so that he finally calms down?!

The fact is that if a person does not support himself, then the support of other people will fall into a bottomless abyss. And if a person begins to support himself, then he, as it were, closes his childhood traumatic experience, and then his support for himself and the support for him by other people will give a synergy effect. The process of emerging from this psychological state will begin.

Is it true that supporting yourself involves not only praise, but some kind of realistic assessment of your actions, your strengths and weaknesses?

Yes, that's absolutely right. When people who find themselves in a conflict situation come to me, I often give one task. I suggest: let's look at your situation from different angles. Please write down everything that you did positive to resolve your conflict with another person, but also what you did not do and, moreover, what you did that was bad, wrong, and intensified this conflict. And apply the same approach to assessing the behavior of another person with whom you cannot agree. This is a very simple and clear way to stop blaming others and evaluate yourself in a given situation.

As a result, a person brings two pieces of paper, in one of which he evaluates himself, and there are continuous advantages and almost no disadvantages, and in the other he evaluates the one with whom he has a conflict, and there are only disadvantages (“he didn’t do that, and I was wrong here, and I was wrong there”) and just a couple of pluses. And then the person himself sees that there is something wrong here, some kind of dissonance. My task is to help him see this dissonance, but without judging him or evaluating him. I just ask: “Have you ever wondered why you have 15 points “for” yourself and 2 “against”, but about another person you wrote 15 points “against” and only 2 “for”? Your arithmetic is interesting. Maybe something is still wrong in this Danish kingdom? It is very important to help a person see this reality calmly, critically, or even with humor.

Sometimes I suggest that people with similar problems try to thank themselves every evening for something good that they managed to do during the day. This turns out to be quite a difficult task. The fact is that gratitude is not about self-esteem, it is rather a form of expression of love, support, acceptance. Sometimes a person with inadequate self-esteem can be self-confident and proud of himself, but it is difficult for him to thank himself for something. This is a different reality. A person gradually begins to understand the difference between this gratitude, support, love and protection, which sits firmly in him and prevents him from meeting himself.

The process of realistic self-assessment, as you describe it, resembles in some sense the path of repentance in Christianity. Are there any points of intersection here?

Great question. When real and deep psychological work begins, then the movement towards real repentance begins, because a person plunges into the depths of his inner world. If he does not do this, then his repentance is often completely formal. He takes some collection of sins and begins to sort through and emphasize what he did and what he did not do, and goes with this piece of paper to confession. But this is not serious, this is not real repentance, because real repentance is an attempt to look into yourself, and bring the unsightly things that you saw there to confession, to the light.

Such analytical, reflective work, such honest looking into oneself gradually helps to make repentance deeper and more genuine.

As far as I understand, if a person engages in this inner work, he becomes, on the one hand, more independent of the opinions of others, and on the other hand, loves other people more, treats them with greater warmth and understanding. Is it so?

Quite rightly, because a person comes out of neurotic isolation and begins to free up some healthy parts of his inner space. He develops more adequate self-esteem and a deeper relationship with himself. And then he can build relationships with other people on completely different grounds - on the grounds of acceptance, love, on the understanding that I can be wrong, and the other can be wrong. But I try, and the other one tries too. And then, of course, we are much closer to others, because we begin to be the same as them. Then the distance between us decreases, unnecessary neurotic fear goes away, phantom anxiety goes away. A person opens up to other people more heartily, more spiritually. In some way, one might say, it opens up to God too, because he changes deeply. His relationship with himself and with God changes qualitatively.

Does the person become more real?

Yes. He finally becomes himself.

Interviewed by Anastasia Khramuticheva

Tezis.ru

Recommended books

Asper K. Psychology of the narcissistic personality. Inner child and self-esteem.
Brian Tracy. Self-esteem.
Branden N. Six pillars of self-esteem.
Gyuru E. Self-esteem in children and adolescents. A book for parents.
Kovalevsky V. Optimal model of thinking and the logic of objective self-esteem.
Koryagin A., Barieva N., Koshlakova Yu., Borovkova D. Self-esteem and confident behavior.
Litvak B. 7 steps to stable self-esteem.
Lorenz T., Oppitz S. Self-esteem. Boost your confidence!
McGee P. Self-esteem.
Nikulina I. Development of self-esteem in schoolchildren with visual impairment.
Novichenkova E. Yu. Crises of childhood. Building healthy self-esteem.
Poletti R., Dobbs B. Self-esteem. The main benefit.
Trebunskaya O. The Matrix of Life. Self-esteem and satisfaction.
Udilova I. Self-esteem as a woman. Become a confident woman.

The works of millionaire speaker Brian Tracy are extremely popular. He is Canadian and motivates people to develop themselves. His audiobook “Self-Esteem” can be downloaded online in the public domain.

Mikhail Labkovsky, a family and individual psychologist, is also popular. He adheres to the point of view that an overestimated assessment allows you to achieve maximum heights in life, while a low assessment pulls you to the bottom and drowns there. Reading his essays and lectures online on these topics is very interesting.

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