A neurotic relationship is an interaction that a person cannot refuse. At the same time, he may realize that there are difficulties in the relationship, he suffers, he does not feel good in them. Outwardly, he seriously strives to improve the relationship by turning to psychologists, but in reality it turns out that he does not take any real actions to improve the situation. After all, the most important thing - renunciation of suffering - does not happen in neurotic relationships. Being in such an interaction, neurotic individuals often become depressed, experiencing disappointment in their chosen one, doubting happiness with their partner, but preferring to blame the partner, truly believing that everything can be improved.
How are such relationships formed?
Unhappy together, but don't have the strength to leave? Yes, this happens if one of you suffers from an unhealthy attachment to the other or is dependent on your own feelings for your partner. In practical psychology, such deviations from the norm are usually called “neurotic relationships.” The line between passionate love and mental disorder is sometimes difficult to recognize without the help of an experienced psychologist. We understand the reasons and types of non-standard behavior in couples.
Option 1. A neurotic is dependent on a person
"Already leaving? When exactly will you be back? Promise that you will call every half hour!” Loneliness is like death. When apart, the dependent partner counts the seconds until the next meeting. Neither study nor work distracts you from the tedious waiting. The temporary absence of a significant other causes a melancholy feeling of one’s own inferiority: “I’m like without hands without you. I don’t know what to do with myself.” The depressed state is aggravated by a growing feeling of anxiety: “Will he/she definitely come back? Won't he quit? Will not betray?". Painful experiences grow out of the childhood complex of an abandoned child: a loving mother died early, an idol-father left the family. For an adult who once experienced similar stress from a forced separation from someone close, task No. 1 is to prevent a repetition of the tragedy. At any cost. Clinging to the hem of a wife leaving for another, blackmailing a husband who has packed his suitcases with suicide. By holding the object of painful attachment near him in various ways, a neurotic (male or female) goes from one extreme to another:
- Idyll. Darling is nearby. Everything is fine. The best of the best. Worthy of a lush bouquet of compliments: “Only you can make me happy,” “Only next to you do I turn into a beauty queen.” The neurotic abdicates responsibility for his own well-being and entrusts his fate to someone who once inadvertently inspired him with boundless trust.
- Complete disappointment. “She’s not like that” - a sad discovery darkens the existence of an idealist. In moments of enlightenment, the rose-colored glasses fall off, and the ugly truth becomes obvious. From afar she seemed like a fairy-tale princess. But the first domestic quarrel put everything in its place: a boring, tired woman with her own quirks. In the lives of ordinary people, such disappointments do not grow to the size of a tragedy on a universal scale. Neurotics are a special case. They will not forgive their partner for his imperfections. The future together will be in great doubt.
Option 2. A neurotic depends on the feelings experienced next to a specific person
A cake with candles, a big teddy bear with a bow and a great mood - not all kids are lucky enough to celebrate birthdays like in the best family comedies. The ideal picture does not develop if the elders do not care about the younger ones. Exciting work and exciting personal life sometimes drown out the parental instinct. In this case, the child’s love for his parents remains unrequited. At the same time, the scenario of flawed relationships is perceived by the child, deprived of affection and sympathy, as the only possible one. A child who grew up in an atmosphere of complete indifference will look for a partner who will help him experience the familiar feelings of resentment and uselessness. This is exactly what, according to a neurotic, true love looks like: suffering from a lack of understanding and tenderness and being afraid of the sudden departure of a loved one. Clinging to negative emotions, a neurotic seeks to reproduce his childhood world to which he is accustomed - albeit unfair and cruel, but at least so understandable.
Between woman and woman
Many people mistakenly believe that only a man and a woman can be in a neurotic relationship. In fact, such variation in relationships can be observed between relatives, friends, brothers, children and parents, and colleagues.
Neurotic individuals do not know what they want in reality. They are invariably in search of the best, while not having in their minds specific images of what they want, characteristics, or boundaries. When they wake up in the morning, neurotics want one thing, but at sunset they want something completely different.
Any sensations in neurotic individuals must be accompanied by pity for oneself. The boss was undeservedly rude - that’s great! The neurotic got what he wanted on a subconscious level. And not at all because I did everything to make it happen, no. A person with a healthy psyche will try to defend himself; if the situation is insoluble, he will begin to look for another field of activity, while a neurotic person will simply continue to work until the company is liquidated or he is laid off. It is difficult for him to change jobs, since only the described form of interaction, when he is undeservedly offended and humiliated, is the only acceptable one for him.
An example of such neurotic relationships between women is the relationship between friends, when one young lady is used and constantly humiliates her friend, who demolishes everything, attributing it to problems or a bad mood. In such interaction, one finds the satisfaction of personal needs, and the other gets the feeling of pity for her own person that she needs. Such “self-love” is due to the lack of parental love and care in childhood. Due to a lack of warmth, a woman associates normal interaction exclusively with a previously experienced sad experience - the coldness of her parents.
Signs of neurotic love
Passion with all its “excesses” does not always mean that the couple is stricken with an illness. Practical psychologists recognize truly sick relationships by several classic symptoms:
Obsessiveness
“Are you getting bread? Can I come with you?”, “Let’s take a bath together!”, “What are you thinking about now? About me?" – a neurotic person literally pursues his partner. The reason for outright importunity is that the feeling of affection experienced overshadows others. Life in all its diversity of colors outside the perimeter of relationships seems unattractive. Having completely focused on his other half, the neurotic does not give her a pass. The need for constant intensive communication is caused by an acute lack of other impressions and experiences, from which the dependent partner is securely hidden in the shell of his love torments.
Emotional dependence and submission
“Do you think I'm doing the right thing? If you were me, what would you do? I’m very afraid to disappoint you” – a neurotic often takes the position of an obedient “child”. He is not able to make decisions on his own and constantly looks back at the “elder”: is he happy, will he grumble and swear. In all conflict situations, a neurotic person tends to blame himself. He is ready to beg for forgiveness on his knees. He promises to improve and do the impossible in order to save the union, which is bursting at the seams. Relationships are tied hand and foot: without a loved one, life loses all meaning. Do not escape, even if humiliation, insults and violence have become the norm. “He hits – it means he loves”, “Shouts? She has the right: she should have obeyed,” “It’s better to be patient than to be left alone” is a standard line of reasoning for a dependent partner.
Gluttony (anxious)
“You don’t love me” - any little thing is enough for a neurotic to come to such a disappointing conclusion. There are few flowers in the March 8 bouquet, only three phone calls during the working day. He looked askance. She answered rudely. Everything that happens inside the couple is refracted through the prism of a magnifying glass. Any quarrel is perceived as a tragedy. If peace and harmony reign in the house, then they seem too bland and are interpreted as cooling. Little fire! It takes problems to revive passion. Uncontrollable jealousy flares up out of the blue for no apparent reason. To quarrel in order to make peace - a neurotic in a relationship is constantly busy weaving intrigues and pulling the blanket over himself. He needs to always be in the center of his partner’s attention, stubbornly demanding passionate hugs and kisses, gifts and exploits. This is the only way to calm inner anxiety. The painful fear of breaking an existing connection and forced loneliness prevents you from finding that inner core in yourself that allows you to look into the future without fear.
Getting out of such a relationship
The neurotic does not realize the depth of his personal tragedy. Completely absorbed in his suffering. Revels in the role of victim or tyrant. He doesn’t even realize that communication with the opposite sex can develop according to a different, happier scenario. In such cases, you cannot do without the professional help of an experienced specialist, since it is impossible to get out of a neurotic relationship on your own.
Working with a psychotherapist
Hearing a diagnosis of “neurosis” in a doctor’s office is much less of a shock than the terrible verdict “Go away and forget about me forever!” from your other half. Correction of sick relationships takes place in the form of individual and couple trainings.
Working one-on-one with the patient, the psychotherapist establishes the causes of neurotic behavior and builds a strategy for getting rid of childhood complexes. Having escaped the captivity of the past, some dependent partners abandon the ongoing romance in the present, which has brought so much disappointment. “Happiness exists, and the path to it does not necessarily lie through suffering” is the main conclusion to which a patient who has recovered from a traumatic experience comes.
Paired sessions are aimed at rebooting the emergency relationship pattern. As a rule, neurotics hide from their other halves how difficult it is for them to live together. No one should know how many tears were shed in the kitchen or “nervous” cigarettes were smoked on the balcony. Even the closest person is ashamed to admit how unbearably scary it is to feel like an abandoned child again. Lifting the veil of unnecessary secrecy, the psychotherapist, using special techniques, establishes the true culprit of the intoxication of the relationship.
One psychotherapeutic session is enough to find out which partner “adjusts” the scenario of events to the template of a child’s traumatic past. Couples who want to stay together despite the difficulties that arise will have to learn to freely and without cuts discuss all delicate moments with each other.
Cutting off contact with a partner
There is a need to put the relationship on pause. What is it for:
- Understand themselves. Who is to blame if things don’t work out the way we would like? Does your other half not cope with the role imposed on her? Are you unhappy because inexplicable inner anxiety haunts you? Solving personal problems at someone else's expense is wrong. Your dissatisfaction with life negatively affects the psychological climate in the couple.
- Give your partner a chance to catch their breath. Daily hysterics, reproaches and scandals out of the blue exhaust and destroy the psyche of both hostages of the current situation. It will be much easier to make the right decisions with a fresh mind.
Long-term rehabilitation
Neurotics experience their failures on the personal front in different ways:
- “Our meeting was a mistake” - an optimistic attitude is typical of those comrades who truly believe that each subsequent toxic romance will miraculously turn out to be more successful than the previous one. In fact, the sad story of the emergence and development of painful attachment invariably repeats itself again and again.
- “Being alone will make me feel better.” Emotional bumps from failed relationships in the past do not go away for years. The desire to get acquainted, date and make plans for a joint future with representatives of the opposite sex disappears. The fear of stepping on the same rake of painful attachment prevents full communication. However, the habit of being dependent on someone does not allow you to sleep peacefully in a single bed. When alone, a neurotic suffers no less than when in a couple.
Starting a new life without repeating the mistakes of the past is a laudable idea. However, in the case of significant communication problems, it will not be possible to cope with the annoying illness on your own. By changing partners or whileing away the evenings in front of the TV, the victim of an unhappy childhood only continues the emotional agony. It makes sense to get rid of accumulated complexes and recover from the unsuccessful experience of toxic relationships with the opposite sex only under the supervision of an experienced specialist. In the complex psychotherapy regime, step-by-step rehabilitation takes place, relieving the burden of psychological problems. In advanced cases, it sometimes takes years to fully restore the ability to love and be loved.
What to do?
And you won’t be able to convince them, no matter how hard you try. They can only change their lives on their own, realizing that something is wrong with them and their understanding of love brings them pain. At the same time, they must understand that this can and should be changed, the main thing is that they want it themselves.
It’s not easy to cope with this; usually you can’t do it without the help of a psychologist, because you have to get rid of childhood grievances and traumas and learn to love yourself. But you can always take the first step by asking yourself, “What would I like to do now?” and do it. And stop doing what you don’t like, no matter what the reasons force you to do it, getting used to receiving joy from yourself and your life.
No matter how strong a person’s feelings are, no matter how strong the passion, sense of duty, fear or fear of being rejected, for one’s own sake one cannot indulge in neurotic relationships that bring pain and suffering. This is not normal, wrong and dangerous.
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