Debunking myths: why is a woman more selfish than a man?

Transformational coach and trainer, astropsychologist, author and presenter of online educational projects.

I think you have observed this paradox more than once: as soon as you decide to change your life and do something important for your loved one (for example, go to the North to see the seals), literally everyone around you considers it their duty to take an active part in this. And if until now you naively believed that no one cared about you, suddenly a miracle happens! It turns out that you greatly underestimated yourself.

It feels like some kind of invisible alarm is going off, a red light is coming on, and the sirens are starting to howl. Your close circle urgently mobilizes and organizes vigilant round-the-clock surveillance. And even just acquaintances and friends consider it their duty to express their own opinion and be sure to give advice.

What is the reason for this sudden and increased interest? Banal selfishness. It turns on for you because selfishness is a function of the human psyche. And since this function also works perfectly for the people around you, they figure out how changes in your life will affect them, and just in case they try to prevent this from happening.

Trap one. Catch and neutralize

The most effective methods are resistance and suppression. Of course, there is also a constructive objection, but this option almost never occurs in nature, otherwise there would be no need to write this article.

So, here's what typical resistance and suppression scenarios look like:

• The desire to dissuade: “Do you need it?”
• Trying to change focus: "You'd better instead..."
• Arguments and facts: “Before 30 is too early,” “After 40 is too late,” “A woman shouldn’t.”
• Public Opinion: “What will people say?”
• Manipulation: “You’ll give me a heart attack!”
• Pressure from authority: “I think this is complete nonsense.”
• Pressure for pity: “What about me?”
• Intimidation: “Just try, here I am then...”
• An attempt to induce a feeling of guilt: “Now because of you...”
• The desire to sow doubt: “What makes you think that you will succeed?”
• Ridicule: “Me too, a ballerina was found...”
• Well, or just a good old hysteria with a scandal.

Thus, the other person is trying to tell you: “I object because it hurts my comfort zone.” But it’s a shame to admit this, especially to yourself. What is it like to agree that you are an egoist! So all this self-deception is presented under the guise of caring for one’s neighbor.

But all these typical scenarios would not have an impact on you if it were not for the second trap.

Signs

Selfishness and its manifestations by humans are primarily aimed at satisfying their own needs, often completely disregarding the opinions and feelings of the people around them.

An individual who puts his own “I” above all else does not care at all that he can cause harm through his actions, but the sense of self-preservation, as a rule, forces him to disguise himself, showing the main character traits only in the process of closer communication.

An egoistic personality is characterized by:

• constantly blaming others for your own failures;
• inability to listen and hear your interlocutor;
• complete confidence in one’s own rightness;
• ignoring any opposing opinions and comments;
• frequent boasting;
• display of material wealth;
• attempts to exert pressure and manipulate others;
• evaluate people by material wealth, intelligence and other signs of “status”;
• the ability to go ahead without caring about the opinions and feelings of other people;
• aspiration is constantly in the spotlight.

In addition to the above, a person prone to selfishness:

• is forced to limit his social circle due to problems with socialization;
• suffers from personal loneliness caused by the inability to compromise and maintain relationships with another person;
• if necessary, she is forced to cope with the difficulties that arise on her own.

Trap two. Other people's expectations

When your healthy egoism awakens, you experience a surge of strength and dizziness from opportunities and prospects. Your mind's eye pictures rosy pictures of an ideal life, where you swim with seals and everything is arranged the way you want it.

This is where the second trap kicks in - other people’s expectations, stereotypes and social templates that have been cultivated over generations and diligently put into our heads since childhood.

A woman must, a woman must... A woman is, first of all, a mother, wife, daughter (underline as appropriate). And further in the same spirit. And even if you are not yet a wife or mother, you must first become one. And if you are already a wife and mother, then you can’t think about anything else at all.

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And inside the beautiful female head, the battle of one’s own healthy egoism with the generally accepted software begins. If the programs win, at best the woman chooses safe changes, that is, goals that give a feeling of change and at the same time are completely consistent with the pattern. To get an education. Marry. Prepare. Give birth. Repair. Country house. Get a divorce. Get married again.

In the worst case, a woman begins to suppress natural egoism, adjusting herself to other people’s expectations. Don’t disappoint your parents, meet your man’s expectations so that your friends will be jealous. And this is how unhealthy egoists are formed. Women who give up their careers “for the sake of family and children” do not marry “for the sake of their parents” and the list goes on.

Sometimes a woman, in an attempt to break out of the program, acts contrary not only to expectations, but also to common sense. Then the “to spite the enemies” scenarios are used, which results in deeply sad consequences: alcoholism, betrayal, fights.

In all variations of this trap, the woman blames everyone and everything for her problems, mistakes and failures and feels deceived. After all, they promised her: if she does everything right, she will be happy.

In general, whatever one may say, it is better if healthy selfishness wins. In any case, you can always, by your own decision, abandon the seals and return back.

By the way, it’s very easy to understand that you haven’t had similar situations before and you are completely satisfied with life: you haven’t read the article to this point.

Kinds

Egoism and its manifestations are an innate feeling of a person, thanks to which his life activity is ensured, which invariably prevails over the desires and details of other people, and is also the main principle of human relations.

For a long time, opposed to the concept of altruism, which places the public good above the personal, selfishness was considered a reasonable human desire for one’s own happiness.

In modern psychology, these two terms are no longer contrasted, presenting egoism not as the primary desire of the individual, but as a negative phenomenon that understands a person’s intention to act exclusively in his own interests, literally suppressing the natural needs and desires of other people.

In modern psychology, egoism is divided into:

• irrational, in which a person’s actions are formed under the influence of moment-to-moment interests;
• rational, requiring the individual to carefully think through and evaluate the consequences of his actions.

Depending on the form of manifestation, egoism can be:

• ethical, which believes that people should act only in their own interests;
• psychological, which claims that people are always motivated only by their own interests;
• rational, convincing that one should act rationally in one's own interests.

According to the degree of influence on other people, egoism can be divided into:

1. Active, in which a person realizes his desires and goals through interaction with society.
2. Passive, characteristic of inactive persons, but concentrated only on their interests.

Depending on the age, type of character and status of a person, S. Freud, who studied in detail the concepts of narcissism, egoism and egocentrism, gave the following classification of egoism:

Children's

The child’s disdainful attitude towards the interests and desires of other people and exaltation of his personal “I”. Children's egoism, as a concept, is considered by S. Freud as the highest degree of egoism, completely corresponding to the subordination of strangers to the desires of a certain person.

In infancy, children's egoism is characteristic of all children without exception and is a natural process, but with age it becomes a real problem that requires treatment.

In psychology, children’s egoism can also quite often hide the child’s desire to express himself or develop his own “I” caused by the lack of desired praise from parents.

Maternal

The uncontrollable desire of a mother to become an inextricable part of her child begins to form in the womb and over time can acquire threatening proportions, manifesting itself in jealousy and control that a woman exercises in relation to her long-grown child.

The prevailing desire of a woman to completely “possess”, “use” and “have” a child comes down to complete concentration on the maternal role, which is suppressive and often prevents the already grown child from expressing himself and building his own, separate life.

Maternal egoism can also manifest itself in the form of jealousy that a woman experiences towards the father, other relatives, friends and lovers of her child, literally pushing them out of his life.

Senile

It is most common among older people who previously occupied leading management professions and manifests itself in the desire of elderly parents to subjugate the life of their already grown-up child.

The unexpectedly ceased ability to influence and exert pressure with the loss of a profession is transformed into the need of an elderly person to prove his importance through total control of loved ones, and the demand to abandon his personal interests.

Unable to influence the world due to his health, an elderly person begins to be capricious, make demands and try to prove his importance.

Female

A woman’s self-love can be presented in 2 variants. By the first, Z. Freud understood the desire to fall in love and enslave a man, and then use him to achieve his own goals. In this case, the woman is driven only by the desire for profit, and threats and blackmail are often used to achieve goals.

A little later, modern psychologists, having studied the inner female nature, came to the conclusion that for the female sex, who has sensitivity and an increased need to take care of others, it is common to show their selfish tendencies in excessive guardianship, care and the desire to sacrifice themselves for the sake of loved ones.

In the modern understanding, female egoism manifests itself not as a desire to manipulate, but in the form of a set of qualities directed by a woman for the benefit of other people. Trying to dissolve in her loved ones, the girl devalues ​​herself and her interests, in return expecting recognition and gratitude from the man, but receiving only complete neglect.

Male

In the stronger sex, egocentric abilities manifest themselves in the desire to crush and subjugate another person.

Most often, this attitude is found among successful alpha males, who put their own interests above all else. Male egoism can also manifest itself in a person’s reluctance to take on certain obligations that require infringement of one’s own interests and desires.

Trap three. And whose goals?

And if you’ve read it, then I have good news. The fact that you want to listen to the voice of your healthy egoism of the heart is a sign of mental maturation.

But it is precisely this growing up that is the most difficult and cunning third trap. Is this your goal? Have you really chosen your path of change, and not succumbed to the desire to prove something to someone?

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Very often the voice of social programs, parents and internal critics drowns out our true aspirations, and if your goal contains the postscript “And then everyone will be shocked that I quit my career and went to the seals,” then, unfortunately, this is not a goal. This is a common compensation scenario that is often substituted for meaning. Become famous to prove to everyone. Become successful so that everyone will envy you.

By grasping at a false goal, you run the risk of wasting a lot of time and effort and ending up not getting results, but complete disappointment. After all, if those who should be shocked by your action suddenly lose all interest in you (and this is what happens), then you will no longer need to strain yourself.

How to bypass the traps

To make your journey along the path of change comfortable and safe, you should know three important rules.

Grow up for real

Real growing up is, first of all, taking responsibility for your own life. And here is a list of areas of your life for which only you are responsible, if you want to consider yourself an adult woman who has the right to make independent decisions:

• Appearance, manner of self-expression.
• Health, nutrition, physical activity.
• Personal things, personal space, personal time, personal finances.
• Knowledge, study, education.
• Interests, hobbies, hobbies.
• Choice of profession, place of work.
• Life goals, mission, purpose.
• Communication with people who are interesting to you, like-minded people.
• Rest, peace, solitude.

As you can see, the list is quite impressive, but it can be further expanded. It is in these areas that you may not agree on anything with anyone. Actually, your close and not so close people have the right not to agree with you on the same points. Impressive, isn't it?

But what goes beyond the listed areas of life may require coordination, since there we enter into the field of interactions with others.

Don't shake the air

If you seriously intend to act, then act, and at first silently.

Make sure that these are your goals, and not actions in spite of someone, out of spite. If the goal is not yours, you will be very irritated and outraged by the resistance of the environment. Unproductive waste of emotions and cries of “You’re not letting me live” is a litmus test for the falsity of goals.

A true goal is something you can’t help but do without really worrying about what others will think about it. It’s not that you don’t care at all, it’s just that the internal significance of this goal is much higher than the external assessment. Therefore, fluctuations in the environment will not affect you much.

When you research the topic and gain concrete confidence that you really need it (the North has ideal weather conditions for your skin, and you are not allergic to seals), then voice your intentions, preferably gradually and casually asking questions. This way you will create a field for constructive dialogue.

And if you just want to attract attention to yourself, intimidate your family and friends with colorful descriptions of the planned changes, coupled with dramatic pauses: “Oh, so, now I’m leaving you for the North to the seals!” Behind the desire to make some provocative statement is often a simple lack of attention. Think about it.

Respect your loved ones

Unless you live in the desert or space and are an orphan, treat your loved ones with respect, no matter how selfish they may be. Especially if your goals affect more than just you. So, it would be great to find out in advance how your husband feels about seals and whether your children are ready to eat fish all year round.

Respect their right to make their own choices and be willing to make adjustments to your plans. Don't involve them in your personal changes, don't impose your goals on them and don't expect everyone to rush to pack their bags for the North with delight.

And don't try to fight stereotypes. Fighting the system is obviously a losing proposition, since it requires inadequate energy costs.

In general, when starting an exciting journey along the road of change to healthy selfishness, do not forget to buckle up and take a firmer grip on the steering wheel of your life, so that if you accidentally encounter other people’s expectations and social stereotypes, you will not fall by the wayside, but make an elegant U-turn and rush off, winking with hopes, into your bright future.