How to forgive your wife's betrayal and save your family, choice

Cheating is always a big stress for family relationships; it is even more difficult if such an offense was committed by a woman. If you have had to deal with such a shock, you are probably confused whether you should forgive your wife's infidelity or not. The advice of psychologists will tell you the right way, start by looking for reasons, build on them, where there is a chance of saving the relationship and where there is not.

Work out tactics for yourself after betrayal, prevent common mistakes in advance and make plans for your future life. We'll talk about all this in detail further.

Reasons for wife's cheating

Forgiveness is only possible if you know exactly the reasons that pushed your spouse to betray. They will help you find ways of understanding, and if you have feelings, this will ease your condition. Most often, women are encouraged to be unfaithful by the following situations:

Attention deficit - any girl needs compliments, warmth and tenderness. If she doesn't get this from her husband, sooner or later she will start looking elsewhere.
Coercion – Women are often forced into sexual intercourse by men who have power over them. A typical situation is when the boss can force her to fulfill various wishes by threatening to fire her. Or, in an attempt to protect her family from financial difficulties, she takes such a step for the sake of money.
Different views of partners on relationships - if she is constantly developing, setting goals and moving towards them, and the husband is limited by the available opportunities and leads a passive lifestyle, the relationship is doomed. Sooner or later she will pay attention to a partner who matches her.
Falling in love - if sexual contact on the side is called betrayal, then feelings for another man can be considered betrayal. And here everything is much more complicated, emotions cannot be controlled, which means it will be impossible to maintain the relationship.
Revenge - if such a serious offense was noticed in the past by you, sooner or later she may do the same for the purpose of revenge.

Could you forgive your wife's betrayal?
Not really

Also less common, but still compelling reasons include the husband’s incorrect attitude. If you show moral and physical violence towards her, abuse bad habits, do not take care of yourself, and do not bring wealth to the family for a long time, sooner or later she will get tired of it. It is the identified reasons for betrayal that will help to understand who is more to blame for this, the husband, wife or her lover.

Analyze what happened

If you find out about your wife's betrayal, try to analyze what happened to understand how to survive the betrayal and what to do next.

Did your wife cheat once or did her cheating become a regular occurrence? How much does she repent of what she did or is cheating her natural desire and behavior?
Are there extenuating circumstances, such as stress or depression?
What did the wife want to achieve with her betrayal? Perhaps she simply could not reach you in other ways when she spoke about her desires, which she is now realizing together with her lover.
How does a wife behave after cheating? She repents, asks for forgiveness or continues to walk, believes that she did everything right.

Consider all the circumstances when committing treason, as this will allow you to make the right decision in the situation.

Is it possible to forgive betrayal: a psychologist's answer

Most often, a psychologist comes to the aid of men experiencing the consequences of adultery. His tips will help you not only look at the situation from a different perspective, evaluate everything that is happening, but also clearly determine whether your wife’s betrayal can be forgiven. The psychologist's answer to this question will be as follows:

Calm down . Against the background of experiences and mental anguish, it is difficult to make a sober decision. Take a time out, stop replaying the nuances of betrayal in your head, and wait until the wounds heal. It is important to regain the ability to think adequately and rationally.
Talk . The situation will not resolve on its own. Therefore, a conversation with your spouse is necessary. It is important to find out the circumstances and reasons for the offense, what contributed to it. Understand her attitude towards what happened, whether she repents, and also how she sees the future relationship.
Make a decision. Based on everything she said in a frank conversation, understand for yourself whether you can continue to live with this. Identify for yourself the pros and cons of forgiveness. Imagine that you are already divorced, she lives with another man, you are with another woman, are you satisfied with this development of events?

Expert opinion

Elena Druzhnikova

Sexologist. Family relations expert. Family psychologist.

Forgiving the mistakes of a loved one is rather life wisdom and an indicator of strength. But if there are no excuses for her behavior, as well as her sincere repentance and attempts to save the relationship, forgiveness can become a big mistake or even a manifestation of weakness.

When can you give a chance and save your marriage?

Provided you have a frank conversation in which your spouse sincerely asks for forgiveness and a second chance, you can consider this possibility for yourself. In any case, it will depend purely on your feelings and circumstances. Psychologists usually recommend maintaining relationships under the following conditions:

Before the betrayal, you lived happily and in love . No serious conflicts or misconduct were observed between you both. And this situation became an accident, which your companion sincerely regrets.
After such a blow, your feelings for her did not weaken. If the thought of living apart in the future hurts you more, if you are not ready to give her to another man, there is a possibility of saving the relationship.

When you shouldn't forgive

Regardless of who is to blame for the current situation, there are several reasons why a woman’s infidelity should not be forgiven. For example:

she does not repent, she does not regret anything;
if she considers betrayal to be a trifle;
it does not give guarantees or promises that this will not happen again;
all the blame for what you have done is shifted onto you;
she has feelings for her lover;
she is pregnant by her lover;
the betrayals occurred for a long time and did not stop.

Despite the fact that the female sex is not inclined to cheat, there are exceptions when this is the norm in a relationship for her. But if you belong to the category of people who do not know how to forgive, do not force yourself. Nothing good will happen in your future life together.

Advice from men who find themselves in a similar situation

Dmitry, 28 years old, website co-author

At one time, it helped me a lot. The invaluable recommendations of the author of this system, on writing out and processing according to this system, all the emerging mental material, gave not only relief, but also the situation turned in a completely unexpected way (positively)... In general, we build our reality with our thoughts and very often, resolution at the mental level, solves the problem at the everyday level.

But this system is for a comprehensive cleansing of the mind and should be started only if you want to get rid of: negative emotions, complexes, limiting ideas and beliefs, negative attitudes and other mental garbage. By the way, in the process of elaboration, the face was transformed - there is a connection between the inner world and the person’s face.

Konstantin, 35 years old, programmer

It seems to me that betrayal does not hurt so much if you are mentally prepared for it. Of course, it is much easier to blindly trust your wife and not fill your head with obsessive thoughts. But life is a complicated thing, anything can happen in it. You need to calculate your moves ahead and think through all possible scenarios. And in general, everyone has the right to make mistakes.

Igor, 47 years old, individual entrepreneur

In the modern world, marriages often break up due to the infidelity of one of the spouses. The institution of family has lost its value. I think it’s wrong to end a marriage because of one ridiculous act. I felt sorry for destroying what had been built for many years. I was not going to give my wife to some lover who came from nowhere, who did absolutely nothing for my woman. Men, do not cut down at the root and do not burn bridges behind you, no matter how painful and offensive it may be. My family has been restored, and yours will certainly be reborn from the ashes.

Andrey, 29 years old, manager

I didn't know how to get over my wife's betrayal. Life turned upside down. I couldn’t find a place for myself, I couldn’t drink or eat. But after a few weeks, my attitude towards the current situation changed. I realized that what happened was also my fault. After eight years of marriage, it began to seem to me that no one except me needed a spouse. I stopped giving my wife gifts and compliments; I preferred friendly gatherings at the bar to evenings with my family.

My woman found the missing emotions in the arms of another man. Oddly enough, I am to some extent grateful to my opponent. After all, if it weren’t for the betrayal, my wife and I would simply get divorced and forget about each other. And so, our feelings received a good shake-up. All of this was a great lesson for both of us. We prefer not to remember the betrayal anymore, we spend a lot of time together and try not to forget about such concepts as love, loyalty and understanding.

How to behave after forgiving an infidelity

After the spouse has dared to admit everything, openly talk about the reasons for the betrayal, ask for an apology, and give a second chance, it will be much easier. But only a few know how to behave in the future in order to improve relationships. Psychologists recommend the following:

Give her the opportunity to make amends . Seeing how she regrets her misdeed and tries to win your affection and trust, do not interfere with this. Give yourself time for the pain to subside, and for her to overcome it with a good attitude.
Build a new relationship model . Immediately figure out what you expect from each other, identify the causes of conflicts and misconduct in order to prevent them.
Make changes in your life. Changes in appearance, new achievements, and hobbies will help refresh your feelings. Get rid of bad habits and everything that your companion didn’t like.
Renovate your apartment. Starting life with a clean slate, nothing is more motivating than renovation. This will help get rid of many unpleasant memories from the past.
Add romance . To cover the fallout from your spouse’s misdeeds, try to recreate the period of courtship. Visit different places where your relationship once began, give each other pleasant gifts.

How to restore a relationship

If the spouses come to the decision to save the family, it is important to let go of the situation and try to move on with their lives. But when a person is under the influence of an emotional crisis, it is very difficult to cope:

After reconciliation, the spouses will have to check their feelings for sincerity. After a while, it will be clear whether the woman will remain faithful to her husband or will commit adultery again.
A wife's infidelity greatly hurts a man's feelings. This negatively affects his self-esteem. Even a strong person can lose self-confidence and become weaker in the intimate sphere.
Women after the end of the novel become stronger, they are reborn from the ruins and are ready for a new and happy relationship. Men feel lonely for a long time after a breakup. They may become addicted to alcohol and lose the meaning of life. Some hope that their spouse will return, at least out of a feeling of pity. But even if this happens, there will be no happiness in the relationship.
Some psychologists believe that, having experienced the fact of betrayal, spouses should live separately from each other for some time. They need to think about what to do next. If you decide to revive your family, do not hesitate and listen to this advice.

A woman should not have much time to think. Take the initiative into your own hands and take steps to ensure that family life brings only positive emotions. Try to win the girl again. To do this, you need to change your behavior and become unpredictable. This tactic will help a man become a new source of joy for his beloved.

How to avoid mistakes

There are many mistakes that men make out of resentment and anger after they find out about adultery. For example:

Revenge - to show how painful her action is, the man decides to cheat in response. Remember that in this case, the burden of guilt will further affect your emotional state, and will make maintaining the relationship impossible.
Remembering - a man gives a chance for correction, but at every opportunity he reproaches his wife for infidelity. This will not only not help you forget, but will also become a reason for constant conflicts.
Indifference - in order to punish an unfaithful woman, a man demonstrates to her in every possible way his indifference, the absence of any feelings. Sooner or later she will stop believing in a possible reunion and will simply leave.
Bad habits - against the backdrop of stress and mental pain, there is a desire to muffle it all with alcohol or other substances. Temporary relief can lead to addiction, and she will only become even more convinced that she is not on the right path with such a man.
Loss of self-esteem - betrayal can cause complexes, self-doubt, and self-criticism. Undoubtedly, in any situation, both partners are always to blame. But this does not mean that you are worse than anyone. This is an incentive to rethink your behavior and work on self-improvement.

Did you cheat in retaliation?

Not really

Can a mistake be forgiven?

A painful question for anyone who has been cheated on. A person often finds himself in a dual state. He wants to stop loving the offender so as not to suffer, but this does not work. Rarely does anyone decide to immediately separate from their spouse. No matter how much the resentment burns, people are in no hurry to resort to divorce. I want to understand the situation, to understand what is really happening.

READ Cheating with your wife's friend: reasons for betrayal and how to avoid it in the future

There is no need to try to squeeze forgiveness out of yourself. If a person comes to this, then it will be a personal decision, rather an exception to the rule, rather than something universal. Mental pain cannot be overcome quickly. It will take a lot of time and patience, colossal efforts on the part of the one who suffered the disappointment. You need to forgive from the heart and only when the situation deserves it.

How to survive betrayal and move on with your life

It is very difficult to forget and let go of grievances caused by those closest to you. Much depends on the character and temperament of a person. If you don’t know how to forgive your wife’s infidelity, but don’t want to lose her, you’ll have to go through 3 stages of worry:

Shock . The news shocked you, causing either stupor or outbursts of rage. Acute pain, a collapsing world, overwhelming emotions do not allow you to live as before. Give yourself time and opportunity to suffer, release your emotions in any way acceptable to you. Don’t make decisions, don’t withdraw into yourself, share your pain with someone.
Reboot . Gradually the shock wears off. Inspect everything that was destroyed to understand how bad everything is and whether there is anything to restore and preserve. Think about what could have pushed her to take this step, write down important thoughts.
Recovery . The pain gradually changes from acute to protracted, slowly decreasing in rate. Get comfortable in your new life, look for sources of new positive emotions. Forget about everything related to cheating. Change, look for mistakes in yourself, eradicate them.

Remember that this is a small episode of your life. You can and should simply survive it. Pay more attention to other important areas of life - children, career, your hobbies. Set goals, achieve them, this will motivate you to new victories.

How to accomplish the feat of forgiveness

Forgiving betrayal and staying in the family is a feat. The feat of forgiveness, humility, acceptance, helping a partner in his recovery after a spiritual illness - betrayal. This is hard work for a soul, for two souls. The main thing is that the guilty partner also wants to save the family and repents of what he has done. If this condition does not exist, then you need to sober up your hopes and make new decisions.

Should you be grateful that cheating happened? It is necessary, it will help to forgive. To thank not the situation itself and the participants in the crime, which would be cynical. After all, these are decorations and actors on the stage of life. Although we can thank you for the bold design decisions and excellent game.

You need to be grateful for the lesson itself that you received. For invaluable experience and dramatic changes in yourself. For a chance to grow spiritually and take your family to the next level.

Expecting some special humiliation from your partner, so that he falls on his knees and begs for forgiveness - this is the lot of the weak in spirit. The strong forgive, regardless of the behavior of the person who has stumbled. And they accept him equally if he leaves or if he wants to stay. They let him go if he leaves and take him back if he wants to save his family. Moreover, I am ready to work on relationships so that the worst enemy is defeated.

psychologist Lyudmila Ponomarenko