The path to a new life
A huge psychological blow and the apathy that follows most often have to be endured by those who have gone through a long life journey with a person. The second option is sudden death, when nothing foreshadowed the tragedy. It is in this case that I recommend not to hesitate, allowing the widow to close herself off from the outside world in her grief, but to gradually and unobtrusively lead her to the idea that outside help is needed.
Stages of realizing the death of a beloved spouse
The human psyche keeps many secrets, one of them is the sharp and categorical denial of the misfortune that happened. Even an inveterate cynic cherishes the thought in his soul that grief did not overtake him and everything will return to its place. Unfortunately, it is not. You need to go a long way, consisting of several steps, in order to find strength, gain goals and interests, and understand how to come to your senses after the death of your husband. It takes time for grief to recede, turning from a heavy, suffocating burden into light sadness. During this period, one emotion replaces another and you need to experience them all without suppressing your reaction to the tragic news. Usually there are 5 stages.
- The first feeling after a tragedy is pain. It stuns, breaks the inner core, covers the head, leaving devastation and misunderstanding. Awareness does not come immediately.
- Denial is necessarily present to a greater or lesser extent. If you have to deal with current affairs related to obtaining certificates, paperwork and organizing funerals, then this stage proceeds more calmly, gradually penetrating into consciousness. It is much more difficult if the news came from afar and exists only in the form of a telephone call, an email or a piece of paper brought by the postman. Consciousness clings to the last to the saving option, in which tragedy can be an absurd mistake. In this case, the person receives a double whammy when he realizes that the information is true.
- A surge of aggression is also inevitable. Most often it is directed outward, to those who were spared by the tragedy. In response to an attempt at consolation, you can receive a whole stream of groundless accusations. You need to understand that these are the consequences of shock and the psyche is thus looking for shaky, but support. Anger that goes inward and transforms into self-flagellation becomes especially dangerous for a woman at any age. There is an endless search of options for what happened, where one’s own actions become especially poignant.
- A depressive state naturally gives way to subsiding anger at the whole world. Now the understanding of irreversibility is becoming commonplace, and former ideas and hopes are being abandoned. At this stage, the support of others is very important. If the first stages were characterized by an active reaction to what was happening, even in the form of screaming and crying, then during depression there can be a quiet fading of not only interest, but also life itself. This is observed in older people when the husband has died, and the wife does not even want to think about how to survive his death at 60 years old, trying to leave behind him. In this case, I advise loved ones to try to replace the emphasis and show that it is simply necessary for children and grandchildren.
- Acceptance becomes the final stage. Now comes the full realization that it is impossible to turn back time and you will have to build your life on your own, without finding the usual support nearby. For this, one will need several months, another – years. Most often, the stage takes about 1-1.5 years. This is where unobtrusive help and the presence of friends and family are needed.
Causes of depression
Depression after death is caused by many factors, namely:
- Dependence on the deceased.
- Subjective feeling of destruction of prospects.
- Resentment and guilt.
- Inability to cope with stress.
- A pessimistic view of the world.
- Low volitional potential.
There are, in fact, much more reasons. These are just the most common ones. As a rule, they are closely intertwined with each other, and it is not clear which comes first. Let's look at each of these factors in more detail.
How to cope with the grief of loss
After an acute period, when the pain slowly subsides and the tears dry up, you will have to again look for a foothold in this world. The woman understands perfectly well that the past cannot be returned, but does not yet have the strength for a new round of fate. She needs help, and it can be provided by both close people and complete strangers. The “fellow traveler” syndrome kicks in, when it’s easier to talk about a loss with a stranger than with an acquaintance.
Psychologist Daria Milai
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Where to start the revival
At first, there is a question of adaptation to new conditions. After accepting the fact of loss, a woman begins to understand that she needs to move on with her life. When she is internally ready for change, she needs to look around. Transferring care to loved ones will help, especially if they are ready to accept it. For others, the healing balm is communication with friends and restoration of the circle of acquaintances. Some are helped by turning to philosophical treatises or discussions about finding their own purpose, higher life goals. When turning to religion, an invaluable contribution to finding peace of mind for an elderly widow is the priest’s advice on how to survive death, the loss of a beloved husband, spouse, burying him and preserving the bright memory of him.
Warm gatherings with family members, memories of funny or touching incidents gradually smooth out the severity of the loss, transferring it to a completely different plane, where gratitude lives for the days spent together.
How to build everything in a new way: advice from a psychologist
If for one the earthly path is over, then for another it continues and one needs to find the strength to take a step in a new direction.
Helps you find your goal:
- continuation of a joint business that was important to the husband and achieving certain successes in it;
- mastering new skills and professions;
- travel to unexplored places where vivid impressions and natural wonders await;
- taking care of your health and appearance for active longevity without disease;
- participation in charitable events with the awareness that others need your help.
How to survive loneliness
The most insidious enemy, sneaking up and striking backhandedly, is silence in an empty house. She puts pressure and unbalances, and the main question here is how to cope with the death of her husband. In many nations, it is not customary to leave a woman who has suffered a loss alone. For several months, one of her relatives lives with her, reducing the spiritual emptiness.
This does not mean that you need to be nearby all the time. It is enough to call regularly and ask about neutral events, and invite them to go for a walk together. Many people, after tiring days of loneliness, adopt a pet from a shelter in need of care.
How to cope with the loss of a loved one on your own
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After terrible events, a feeling of emptiness remains. You will have to make some efforts to regain your strength. It is possible to spend days in melancholy and despondency, but it is unlikely that your loved one would like it. He is no longer there, but in the name of his memory we will have to start all over again.
Active activity relieves emotional stress; a good option to overcome apathy is:
- communication with friends on neutral topics;
- spring-cleaning;
- walking or signing up for yoga, qigong, and other spiritual practices;
- a hobby, a test of strength in new areas of activity.
How to cope with loss at 60
In old age, it is difficult to change the usual course of life, and even more difficult to start it again. There is often a feeling of disorientation, a lack of understanding of what a widow should do after the death of her husband and how to improve her life. Children and grandchildren come to help. In this, women have an undeniable advantage over young people. The emotional void is filled with worries about younger family members.
It’s great when you have faithful friends who won’t cry next to you, regretting the past years, but will help you find an interesting activity, share recipes or show you a new handicraft technique.
How to cope with sudden death and the loss of a beloved husband for a young widow
At the age of 35-40, the psyche is quite mobile. Much depends on the psychological type, but recovery from life’s tragedies is much faster. A characteristic sign of difficult experiences is blaming oneself for the tragedy that occurred, even if there is not the slightest reason for this. Without listening to the usual voices of her relatives, the widow reacts more adequately to a conversation with a specialist.
In such cases, the most difficult thing for me is establishing initial contact. Once it is found, then you just have to direct the conversation in the right direction. A psychologist does not have the right to give his interlocutor ready-made recipes. A person must find and build his own path on his own, and I only help to realize goals and desires, relieve emotional stress that does not allow one to see the obvious.
How to cope with the death of your beloved husband as a housewife
If a woman did not work, then most likely she devoted a lot of time to her husband. After death, complete apathy may set in, which is dangerous for physical and moral health. In most cases, the help of a psychologist will be necessary and it is unlikely that the widow herself will realize this. Her loved ones will have to take care of her, accompany her to the first meeting and support her morally in the future.
Will help overcome the crisis:
- daily execution of current affairs;
- mastering new skills;
- participation in social activities.
The main thing is not to withdraw into yourself, and not to reject the help of friends and loved ones.
conclusions
We looked at the causes of depression after the death of a very close person. How to get out of it? In fact, everything is not as complicated as it might seem at first glance. Anything large can be broken down into small parts. It’s the same with complex actions. You will still have to follow simple steps. But you have to force yourself to do them. This is the hardest thing to do in depression. But only you yourself can get out of this state and recover after the death of your spouse, father, boyfriend, elderly relative, and even an animal (a cat, for example).
It makes no difference whose loss you experienced. In general, advice on how to overcome depression is universal. In most cases, medications and expensive treatment will not even be required. You can free yourself from depression and remove the cause, not the symptom, on your own.
People often ask how long does depression last, how long does it take to treat it? It all depends on the person himself and the circumstances in which he finds himself. Some people will be able to overcome despondency and depression in a week, others in a month. And some will stay there for years. Yes, your beloved child, dad, wife are gone, but there is a way out of the state that oppresses you. The main thing is not to worry and help yourself. Unfortunately, many do not do this after their parents or other relatives die. As a result, they remain depressed for years.
What to do if you feel guilty
Thoughts that you didn’t have time, didn’t save, didn’t do, didn’t take care, can lead to a large-scale nervous breakdown. The analysis of quarrels and disagreements begins with constant blaming oneself for all real and imagined sins. This destroys hopes for a happy future.
Many people come to me with the words “I can’t come to terms with the death of my husband, how can I move on?”,
I don't understand". I advise you to ask for forgiveness from the deceased. This could be a long conversation in front of a candle flame or a letter written to him with an emotional story about how difficult, lonely and painful it is without him. In the last lines, you must definitely ask for forgiveness, say goodbye to your loved one, and wish him peace. Then you will have to gain strength and go to the cemetery and take him a message. It can be read aloud or simply placed among the flowers. The main thing is to let go of your past, leaving only love and memory.
Don't give up the support of your family and friends
If grief has come to your family, and overnight you have lost your loved one with whom you planned to live until old age, then it is almost impossible to cope with this misfortune on your own. The death of a life partner is a direct path to deep depression, which can rarely be dealt with without consequences.
For the first time after the death of a loved one, it would be best to move in with relatives or one of your reliable, trusted friends. A woman herself is an emotionally unstable creature, and in the event of the death of her husband or fiancé, it is generally dangerous for her to remain alone.
Emotional instability, coupled with depression and a feeling of hopelessness, can be expressed differently for each representative of the fair sex. If it is enough for a stronger woman to simply feel the support of her family to pull herself together, then it will be easier for another woman to completely renounce the world around her or, in a particularly “dark moment,” to think of following her beloved.
Important
Despite the risk of a nervous breakdown, you cannot restrain your emotions. It is necessary to let go of grief and mourn the deceased. Let it be hysterical, no big deal. It is much worse when a person completely withdraws into himself and is not ready to come to terms with his loss.
Tips for others
It will be quite difficult for those who are close to the widow. They, too, were no strangers to the one who died, but they were obliged to hold firm so as not to provoke hysteria or miss the alarming signs of the onset of deep depression. Having heard from a woman the phrase “how to live after the death of your beloved husband, help,” you cannot sit down next to her and cry for days on end. Tears release tension; they are necessary, but at a certain stage. Having paid tribute to grief, you need to help the widow find new meaning by being unobtrusively nearby.
Watch the reaction
A woman who has lost her loved one falls into apathy after intense experiences. This is a normal reaction to cope with grief. She should not turn into complete indifference to herself, appearance, home environment or the health of loved ones, especially if there are small children. At a certain point, she experiences loss of appetite, deterioration in well-being, and atypical reactions. It is necessary to exclude external pressure on the widow and behave calmly, gently stopping a hysterical attack or outbursts of aggression. Most likely, she may need advice from a psychologist on how to live after the death of her husband.
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Stay close
During intense grief, some people have a weakened sense of self-preservation. The presence of another person is required to keep you from rash actions, strengthen your connection with reality and convince you of the value of life. It is important not to be intrusive, to show understanding and tact. If help is needed, it must be provided. When nothing is asked for, you cannot impose your presence. You can show your concern:
- serving a glass of sedative;
- hugging;
- accepting manifestations of grief, sympathizing, but not falling into exaltation;
- helping with organizational issues where the widow cannot cope on her own.
A person who has suffered a loss needs to cling to the daily cycle of affairs. You don't need to do everything for him.
How to help a friend cope with the death of her husband
A true friend will always lend a shoulder and be there for you. The friend’s task is to let the widow speak out, cry, experience the acuteness of grief, and then help her see the colors of life again. It is important not to leave a person in a cocoon of loss; moral isolation is unacceptable. Gradually, your friend needs to be drawn out for walks, visiting exhibitions, and involved in joint activities and conversations.
Not worth it:
- constantly remind you of what happened;
- offer new acquaintances with men in the first year after the loss of a spouse;
- replace sorrow with feigned joy;
- talk about the tragedies of friends, drawing parallels with her husband.
Mom can’t get over her husband’s death: how to help
A long, happy marriage, raising children together, and shared joys and sorrows bring people so close that with the death of a spouse, many of the threads that give a woman incentive are severed. The children’s task is not just to support their mother, but to try to show her necessity in their lives. Turn to the fact that now she is their only hope, and cannot live without her. A person broken by grief will need any straw that allows him to find his lost balance and meaning of existence.
You need to be especially sensitive to your emotional mood, where feigned cheerfulness may hide severe depression or an exacerbation of chronic diseases. During this period you need:
- show interest in any of her endeavors;
- do not leave alone for a long time;
- show its necessity for all family members;
- hold joint gatherings over a cup of tea more often or organize trips to the dacha;
- introduce the possibility of attending a health group or hobby club.
The main thing is not to impose or impose, but to always be there when support is needed.
