How to forgive and survive the betrayal of your boyfriend’s wife’s husband, advice from a psychologist

Betrayal by a loved one is what we fear most. And, unfortunately, no one is immune from this. What to do in such a situation?

Forgive, forget or break off the relationship? You should probably perceive betrayal as a lesson that life has taught you. We’ll figure out what to do next in this article.

What dangers does betrayal from a loved one entail?

Betrayal by a loved one is a long-term, severe stress, it can develop into depression, this condition negatively affects the psyche.

There is uncertainty in actions

After the betrayal of a loved one, you take on the role of the Victim. You do not take responsibility for actions.

Loss of trust in people in general

This is because you had high hopes for your loved one, and in return you were stabbed in the back. This hit me hard mentally.

The following logic emerges: “If I was betrayed by a loved one, then betrayal from strangers will follow sooner or later.”

Such thoughts make you withdraw into yourself and stop contacting people.

Depression

This condition becomes the final point for people who could not get rid of the feeling of resentment that oppresses them.

Depression can drag on for many years; most people try to wash it down with alcohol or other poison.

The process of dealing with grief due to betrayal includes 5 stages

Stage of denial and shock. A person simply cannot believe what happened, especially if the betrayal is unexpected. Reaction: emotional excitement, or vice versa, emotional coldness, inhibition.
The stage of aggression, the experience of resentment, anger. Often aggression and anger are directed at the person who cheated, who left, who “abandoned”, or left their loved ones.
Stage of guilt. The person blames himself for what happened, his “bad behavior.” A person may also experience remorse for treating the person who cheated poorly and paying little attention to him.
Stage of depression. Depression, apathy, irritability, decreased social activity - all these are manifestations of depression. Life can lose all meaning; a person tends to “drown out” his pain with alcohol and other “antidepressants.”
Acceptance stage. No matter how hard a person experiences betrayal, acceptance of the loss gradually sets in. This stage is characterized by the restoration of the usual course of life, once again falling into its groove. Life acquires purpose and meaning.

Cheating on a loved one

Betrayal by a partner gives rise to very painful experiences, and asking a psychologist how to survive the betrayal of a loved one worries many people. The fear of betrayal worries every person. Feelings of betrayal, heartache, resentment and emotional shock are very common.

Cheating can be experienced as a catastrophic event that radically changes the attitude towards a partner. Feelings of suspicion, mistrust, jealousy, anger, helplessness and emptiness arise. Before there is an opportunity to understand what happened and understand the reasons, it is necessary to transfer all these feelings, and it is very difficult to do this alone.

Here the help of a psychologist is needed.

In the first phase of experiencing the betrayal of a loved one comes anger at the partner, a feeling of irritation and disgust towards him, and fear of contracting some kind of sexually transmitted disease. It often happens the other way around, when a person is haunted by doubts about himself/herself, uncertainty about one’s own worth, feelings of guilt and thoughts about “what provoked my partner to cheat on me,” as well as “clinging” to a partner.

But, as a rule, anger and disgust are constantly replaced by guilt and fear of losing the relationship and what is valuable in it. This is the psychology of betrayal and jealousy.

Then, a person who is faced with the betrayal of a loved one is often haunted by an obsessive desire to find out all the facts of the betrayal:

How long does the relationship last?
When did they start?
When did they meet?
Who else knows about this?

Images and pictures pop up in your head that create suffering. If there are children in the family, then they are often haunted by worries about them, about the consequences of separation for the children. A partner will always be haunted by jealousy after adultery.

During this period, it is extremely important to share your experiences with a specialist.

Empathy and a holistic understanding of conflicting feelings, on the one hand – affection, love for a partner, and on the other – severe pain, resentment and anger, helps to reduce internal painful experiences and “throwing”, and begin to think rationally about what happened, as well as those consequences for relationships that involve cheating.

It is important to understand that, despite all the pain, cheating is not something that will inevitably destroy a relationship. The period of acute experience of betrayal is not the best moment for making a decision about separation and divorce. Often the cheating partner experiences fear of losing the relationship with his wife/husband, wants to maintain it and is tormented by a strong sense of guilt.

In this case, if a decision is made to maintain the relationship, then, as a rule, certain steps are necessary on the part of the partner:

ending a relationship with a lover;
making sincere apologies (sometimes multiple);
taking steps to restore and strengthen trust.

It is important to understand what caused this to happen in your relationship:

Conflicts in relationships

Often the cause of cheating is hidden conflicts, dissatisfaction, and anger at a partner. Sometimes such a reason can be the difficulties that accompany the birth and upbringing of a child, and a change in relationships as a consequence of this. Cheating in this case may be a way to avoid resolving these conflicts, or a way to “get back” at your partner, to express your anger and resentment towards him.

The man cheated - what next?

There are three stages by which you can understand what awaits a woman after the betrayal of a loved one and how to behave.

The first stage is bewilderment and shock

The woman experiences complete stupor, confusion, or, on the contrary, hysteria. She feels piercing pain, emotions literally overwhelm her. The whole world is collapsing overnight. The deceived wife has an unstable mood. She vividly expresses hatred, aggression, despair, but pleasant memories can evoke in her love and tenderness for the cheater.

The first stage usually lasts from 7 to 14 days. The main goal at this stage is to survive the state of shock. It is not recommended to make quick decisions or take rash actions, as they will be made under the influence of the stress hormone. During this period, a woman cannot think objectively. Gradually you need to collect more information about the betrayal.

You should read articles by psychologists, books, forums, and the opinions of women who have experienced betrayal. They will help restore the ability to think sensibly and assess the situation. Other people's stories help reduce dramatization.

It is not recommended to stay alone for a long time. This does not mean that you need to constantly discuss your husband’s infidelity with all your relatives and friends. It is enough that there is a close person in the room who will not interfere with advice, but will support with neutral communication. If he is not nearby, then you can contact a psychologist.

It is strictly forbidden to dwell on your problem and pain, or blame your husband or yourself for what happened.

Second stage - reboot

The first emotions of anger and resentment passed like a thunderstorm. Now you should carefully analyze the words and actions spoken, and understand the scale of destruction. The second stage is considered not only painful, but also responsible. It is during this period that you need to decide what will happen next. It can last from 30 days to 6 months.

You shouldn’t engage in self-flagellation and endlessly scroll through your head about thoughts of betrayal. It is better to take a notebook and write down in it in the form of abstracts all the mistakes that you should try to avoid in the future. It is necessary to try to understand the man’s behavior, what prompted him to take a desperate step. You definitely need to talk to him, find out whether he repents, whether he admitted his mistakes and whether he intends to correct them.

It is useful to meditate, do yoga, and spend more time in nature during this period. If you want to save your family, you should be interested in your spouse’s hobbies and try to spend more time together. If the cheater is sincerely repentant, perhaps he should be given a chance.

The third stage is the recovery period

The pain is no longer as acute as it was at first, but rather lingering and pressing from the inside. If you don’t calm her down, the woman can withdraw into herself for a long time. During this period, it is better for her to spend more time with her friends and get used to her new life.

It can last from 2 weeks to several years. It all depends on how much effort a woman and a man make to save the family.

If she broke up with her husband, then she should avoid articles, books and stories from friends about infidelity, and do not watch thematic films. A woman needs to focus on her self-esteem and change herself for the better.

These could be new habits, non-standard makeup, new clothes, haircut or coloring, a new manner of communication. To get out of stress, you need to completely abandon the memories of betrayal. When you wake up in the morning, your main goal should be to maintain a great mood for the whole day.

You can learn more about how to survive betrayal and save your family in the video:

Is it possible to survive betrayal?

Accept the situation

What's done is done, don't redo it. The person accidentally or intentionally stumbled. And even so that you found out about it. Don't think about it, don't try to understand, analyze. Thoughts about this act of your loved one will drag you even further to the bottom of depression.

Allow yourself to be an unhappy person for a few days

Emotions must have an outlet. Without resorting to alcohol and other harmful things. Break dishes, cut curtains, tear photos, scream, cry, talk to loved ones, demanding support, you need it now.

Take a break

You need to find something you like, change your surroundings, perhaps change your style of clothing, hairstyle, hair color, even your eyes (lenses).

Don't isolate yourself

Chat with friends and relatives, make new acquaintances. The four walls of a house are the most ungrateful advisers, especially if everything in this house reminds you of past pleasant times.

Realize the fact that the person is not dead

Everything can still be changed. It is worth tearing out your hair on your head only when pieces of earth fall on the lid of the coffin, and until that moment any situation can be resolved.

So we come to the question of whether it is possible to forgive betrayal and how to regain trust.

Options for developing relationships after betrayal

After the betrayal is revealed, the old way of life stops and it is necessary to change the format. This is how an old relationship after betrayal can completely collapse. Then the one who cheated chooses a lover and continues to build a full-fledged relationship there, the remaining one gets a choice between taking care of his life, finding a new relationship or trying to return the one who left.

You can forgive or completely kick him out the door, the only thing you should give up is attempts to return the departed by any means. No threats or sudden illnesses will leave a person who has been unfaithful for a long time and who has finally chosen not you.

It happens that when the fact of betrayal is revealed, the one who is guilty leaves both partners at once, because he cannot withstand the emotional stress and the need to make a choice. This suggests either that no one was important, and the situation was created subconsciously to become a catalyst for separation, or huge regrets and the inability to cope with shame.

In the first case, there is no chance of renewing the relationship, but in the second option, it is possible that the person has survived all his shocks, realizing his mistakes, and will come back. This takes a lot of time and the relationship will definitely not be the same, just like the individuals involved. Particularly confused ones may try to shift responsibility to others, so husbands breathe a sigh of relief when a mistress is discovered, pair two women together and wait until they share it among themselves and make a decision. The position is infantile and the woman is then perceived on a par with the controlling mother - whether you want to continue playing the role is up to you to decide individually.

In a situation where people have not broken up and have chosen to continue the relationship, attempts to reach an agreement are possible. The partner may be sluggish to meet halfway, saying that it is necessary to preserve the form, but not the content of communication, justifying his desire to stay with common children, business and reluctance to violate the family traditions of one marriage. The prospect is quite tragic, because they will ask you to leave the relationship, admitting in advance and honestly that there is no love. This option is good for those who also do not have particularly warm feelings for their spouse, but now receive unspoken permission to start a romance for themselves.

It’s another matter when a person, having realized a mistake, actively tries to restore everything, realized that among everyone else, only you have value and is ready for any conditions to calm your soul. It is clear that they care about you, try to protect you and heal your wounds as much as possible. This is an excellent option for personal development and further development of relationships if both agree to work on themselves. Betrayal exposes problem areas, opens up those claims that were impossible to express before - this is how the third person becomes a catalyst for a conflict that gives birth to truth, or it can also be compared to an abscess that has broken through and finally stopped hurting.

How to forgive the betrayal of a loved one?

Our grandmothers and great-grandmothers said this: “The sword does not cut off a guilty head.” A man came with repentance, forgive him.

Is it worth forgiving - of course. Whether you want to maintain any relationship with this person in the future is another matter. It all depends on the situation. There are millions of scenarios for such a conflict.

You have been together for many years. Your soulmate is going left, and you will know about it. Whether the person told you on his own or you found out from girlfriends, friends, or from the homewrecker himself is not important. The fact itself, the deception was revealed.

The loved one apologizes, asks for another chance, or asks for forgiveness, but says that it was an absolutely informed decision and the affair can be ended. The main thing is honesty.

If you experience deep feelings even after this news, it makes sense to try to build a new relationship, forgetting about this situation and never remembering, because it will not bring good to anyone, and it can easily destroy you, first of all. Forgiveness is for strong people. Without figuring out how, with whom, just forgive and forget, continue to live and love.

If your significant other announces the end of the relationship, but there is a fire in your soul and you are not ready to part, then you will have to remember the folk wisdom: “You can’t be nice by force.” Forgive and let go. This is a way out of the situation. There is no need to fall at your feet, beg, or put pressure on your conscience. The person has already decided everything, accept his decision and let him go. The main thing is not to harbor anger and resentment.

It won't be easy, but you can do it. This way you can prepare your heart for a new relationship.

Unfortunately, man is very weak by nature, and anyone can take a wrong turn. The most difficult question that may arise is: how to regain trust? If you managed to forgive, save your family, your feelings, then the thought of a relapse will still live somewhere subconsciously.

Books and the Internet are replete with sayings: “Betrayed once, betrayed again!”, “People don’t change!” and so on. Don't think about it, don't read bad advice. Let go of the situation. If you managed not to destroy the world after the news of betrayal, and preserve love, then live it today, tomorrow... No need to guess ahead.

There is an interesting technique. Remember yourself as a child and your parents. A broken cup caused anger or sadness, but this did not make you anyone in the life of your family. And perhaps your mother hid the cups higher up, fearing a repetition of the situation, but you also tried not to upset your beloved parent anymore.

How to forgive betrayal: advice from a psychologist.

The help of a psychologist in case of betrayal plays a significant role; his advice will help you decide on answers to questions such as: what to do, how to forgive, how to behave after betrayal, whether it is worth forgiving and how to live after betrayal. Family therapy may be the answer and the key to healing.

Don't be afraid to seek help from a psychologist. Both marital counseling and individual counseling are important for re-establishing a family after infidelity or an affair. A psychologist's neutral perspective as a third party to the event, as well as advice and any necessary mediation between the two partners, can help the relationship revive and move forward. It may take time, you will need patience and determination, but your marriage, as strange as it may sound now that you are trying to rebuild it from the ruins, can become better and stronger than before.

Author: Editorial staff of the Help-Point.net portal

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Tags: relationships, consultation with a psychologist, cheating on your wife, how to get your loved one back, correspondence with your husband, psychologist online

Cheating wife. Psychologist.

Help from a psychologist

It has long been known that women and men perceive the world from different points of view. The former are more emotional, their thoughts pass through the prism of feelings and experiences. The latter think in logical categories. And betrayal, although equally painful for both, is perceived on their part a little differently.

If the husband cheated, the wife most often experiences it very violently - through screams, through tears. And the culprit doesn’t even always observe them - a woman may seem cold and quite calmly put her suitcase on the staircase, but a hurricane will rage inside her, which will certainly spill out.

Psychological assistance when your husband cheats, which can be provided by a specialist, can save you from committing rash acts. A psychotherapist will help you find the reasons that forced the man to take this step. But the reason that a woman manages to instantly come up with for herself often turns out to be even more painful than the fact of betrayal itself.

The psychologist will tell you in which direction you should move forward: should you try to save the relationship, forgive your unfaithful loved one, or is it better to forget about him and start a new life.

But it’s not just men who cheat. And for the husband this is no less a strong blow than for the wife in the event of her husband’s betrayal. The bad news is that men, unlike most women, often seek solace in external factors such as alcohol and available women. Psychological assistance when your wife is cheating will help you avoid such ways of solving the problem, maintain composure and health.

The psychotherapist will tell you how best to perceive this situation, how to forgive the unfaithful half. After all, resentment, regardless of the final result, will prevent both parties from living peacefully.

Reasons for female infidelity

Why do women cheat? As a rule, for good reasons.

Revenge for the fact that a man does not pay attention to his chosen one, does not give gifts, does not give compliments. She cannot always express her dissatisfaction with words, so she is looking for someone on the side who will pamper her, admire her beauty and with whom she can feel desired.
Indifference. Over the years, a man gets used to a woman who is constantly nearby, and loses his former interest. He perceives her as a piece of furniture or as a maid who does all the housework. Such a spouse believes that you can relax and breathe out calmly. However, for a strong family and long-term relationships, it is necessary to surprise your beloved and win her over again every day. She should always feel cared for, attention and important.
Sexual dissatisfaction. 50% of relationships depend on a good intimate life. In the absence of sex with her husband, a woman may seek sexual satisfaction on the side.
Increased self-esteem. It is important for some women to constantly feel desired and to know that they are still successful with the stronger sex. In this case, it is necessary to please your beloved with a spontaneous manifestation of feelings, sex in a public place or an unexpected gift in the form of seductive underwear.
Ordinary. Over time, a man becomes an open book for a woman, in which she loses interest. You constantly need to work hard on relationships, not forgetting about signs of attention and pleasant deeds.
Frequent quarrels. If there are constant scandals in the family, initiated by the husband, then soon the woman will get tired of the nervous atmosphere at home, and she will look for peace and understanding in another place and with another man.
Jealousy. Constant suspicions and jealousy without much motivation often lead to a woman committing adultery. A man should learn to control jealousy, then his beloved will continue to be faithful.
Lack of help. At some point, the husband may stop helping his wife, taking an interest in her problems and experiences. She can bear it all on herself for a while, but then give it up - and look for a man with whom she will feel protected as a little girl.
Lack of emotions. Since women are considered very emotional creatures, they constantly need to be surprised, arrange surprises, travel together, and respond to the slightest unspoken hints.
The absence of a husband nearby. If a man rarely spends time with his wife, but pays more attention to work, friends, meetings, calls, etc., then the woman will not want to be on standby every day. She will begin to look for someone who will delight with his presence and communication.

You can learn more about the main reasons for female infidelity in the video:

Books about how to survive betrayal and become stronger

Esther Perel

Right to left. Why do people cheat and is it possible to avoid cheating?

Why do people decide to cheat, why do they start other families and lead a double life for years - Esther Perel gives answers to these difficult questions.

An experienced psychotherapist has worked with couples facing infidelity for ten years.

The author analyzed and described hundreds of stories from the lives of patients. Each of them explains how to build relationships correctly, and what to do if cheating does occur.

The book was translated into 24 languages and became a bestseller in Europe.

Irina Mlodik

Life on loan. How to get rid of psychological addiction

The work of the famous psychologist and author of numerous bestsellers Irina Mlodik.

In her book, the girl talks about relationships in which caring for a loved one turns into violating his boundaries, and the constant desire to be together leads to a loss of individuality.

The psychologist explains the difference between obsession and love, how to get rid of destructive relationships and improve communication with others.

Tamriko Sholi

There are men inside. Candid stories about love, relationships, marriage, infidelity and women

To understand the reason for her unsuccessful romances, the author asked 201 men to answer her tricky questions.

The book contains men's reflections on women and love for them, family, honesty and betrayal.

This unique project will change the usual ideas about a strong field, help you analyze your behavior and not repeat mistakes.

Douglas Snyder, Donald Baucom, Christina Koop Gordon

Together or apart. How to heal your wounds and move on

Finding out about the betrayal of a loved one is always difficult and painful. At such a moment, it seems that the earth is disappearing from under your feet and you no longer have the strength to live.

This book is designed to help you understand the current situation and find the right solution for yourself.

The authors are practicing psychologists, so the text is filled not only with dry theory, but also with real-life examples.

After reading this work, you will determine how to cope with emotional shock and in which direction to move.

Pema Chodron

When everything falls apart. Heartfelt advice during difficult times

This book has helped millions of people get through difficult times. In the West, the publication has been on the bestseller list for 20 years.

Buddhist nun Pema Chodron tells how to deal with mental pain and cope with life's difficulties.

The author gives advice based on the teachings of his teachers - the legendary masters of Tibetan Buddhism.

Pema Chordon mentions that it was the difficulties in her personal life that she had to endure that discovered in her the strength to change herself for the better.

How to survive the betrayal of friends?

The betrayal of a friend can sometimes hurt no less than the betrayal of a relative or husband. If your friend is real, then you probably trusted him with your personal secrets, supported him more than once in difficult life situations and consulted on many issues.

Now it will be difficult for you to imagine your life without this person, but it is important to realize that if this happens, then the friendship is no longer there, and it’s time for you to go your separate ways.

An exception can only be in the case when a friend or girlfriend was forced to take this step, not of their own free will, or made a ridiculous mistake. In general, you need to give the person a chance to explain themselves, and if you understand that the betrayal could have been avoided, then pause your communication so that everyone can rethink what happened. After months, you yourself will be able to understand whether you want to return your friend to your life.

To forgive or not to forgive?

Is it possible to forgive a traitor? Forgiveness is necessary, and this is not a joke. It doesn't matter whether you continue your relationship with this person or not. You need forgiveness, not him. This removes from you the burden of resentment that lingers from the situation that happened and poisons your soul every single day.

Basically, in any quarrel, conflict, betrayal, you cannot blame only the husband or wife. Both partners are to blame. Here you need to analyze your relationship and try to understand what prompted him to such a base act.

The main thing is not to place all the blame on yourself, it is pointless. We learn from our mistakes, and it is impossible to live life without them. We only live once.

Whether to continue the relationship with the traitor or not is up to you to decide. If you decide to keep your family together, I have an article for you. To be more confident in your decision, spend some time alone with yourself and weigh the pros and cons.

How to survive betrayal at 40+ years old?

It is easier to survive betrayal when you are young. But at 40, 50 years old, people think that everything is over for them. This is especially true for love and relationships. The question of how to survive the betrayal of a beloved man or woman comes from a different angle. This is the main misconception.

The first thing people need to understand at the age of 40 is that their life is just in full swing.

There are often situations where people find love even after 40. There is no need to give up on yourself. If you change your thinking, you will very soon notice how the world around you changes.

After 40, betrayal can also occur. But look at your age from the other side. You already have the wisdom and knowledge to emerge victorious from the situation. You have enough experience not to mess things up in the heat of the moment. You are unlikely to take actions that you will later regret because you already know how it will end.

If we go further, we can say for sure that in many areas your age is a plus. People after 40 and 50 depend much less on other people's opinions. You can do whatever you want: fulfill an old dream, go traveling, remember old hobbies. If you've been wanting to do something for a long time, this is the perfect opportunity.

There is also a special product for women.

If you have lost yourself in everyday life, have forgotten what it means to take care of yourself, wear beautiful clothes, do your hair, nothing prevents you from remembering this. Throw away your old gray sweaters and hoodies. Buy a bright dress, new cosmetics. After this, life will definitely sparkle with new colors.

Betrayal often hits self-esteem.

Advice from psychologists on how to regain a sense of confidence in this case:

Take care of yourself. Don't let emotions rule for long. Take care, look after yourself. Review your diet and exercise.
The person who betrayed you can cause even more harm. Try to take safety precautions.
One of the best means of healing is communication and meeting with friends.
Don't blame yourself for what happened. No words or actions are a reason for betrayal.

What to do if your husband betrays you after many years of marriage

Most women perceive divorce as a tragedy and loss of meaning in life. Often, only in a hospital bed does a woman begin to realize that life does not end with the departure of her husband, there are people who need her, and there is still a chance to find happiness in her personal life.

But it is difficult for a woman who has been deceived at least once to become happy even in her second marriage. The sad experience she went through remains with her forever in the form of fear that another man will do the same. Another “eternal problem” is the relationship between the new husband and the child from his first marriage, which does not always go well.

The question of how to survive the betrayal of a husband at 40 years old and later is especially relevant, because we are talking about the breakdown of a family that has existed for many years. During this time, the woman has become accustomed to perceiving herself only as part of this family, and suddenly she is left alone. It is almost impossible to survive such a breakup without consequences, even if you seek help from a good psychologist.

But even in adulthood, a man can decide to cheat, followed by divorce. And even after 30 years of marriage, it is possible to survive the betrayal of your husband. Most likely, you will have to go through several stages of experiencing a breakup:

Disbelief of what happened

At first it will be difficult to even believe that this happened to you and that your many years of happy marriage ended in betrayal. At first, there will be a strong hope that the man will realize his mistake and return. This period is especially difficult for women who already have adult children living their own lives: they feel loneliness most acutely.

Loss of interest in life

When a woman finally realizes the reality of the situation, she can fall into real depression. To survive this time, she will need the help and support of loved ones. During this period, it is very important to keep yourself busy with something to take your mind off thoughts of betrayal. Communication with people, new hobbies, sports - all this gives us new strength and helps us move on. If a woman finds the strength not to isolate herself, but, on the contrary, to open up to everything new, then the next stage will soon begin.

Increasing attention to yourself

In family life, people have many much more important problems than their own. Work, life, children - all this takes energy. The wife and mother remain, but the woman disappears. A great way to survive betrayal is to remember that you are a woman, beautiful and attractive. Start listening to your desires, fulfilling them and seeing something in life other than responsibilities.

The desire to start living again

It is much more difficult to survive the betrayal of a husband at 50 than at 30. If at 30 a woman still hopes for a happy future, then at 50 she feels like an old woman with nothing to do. But over time, the pain fades away, and life goes on.

But when a woman has experienced pain and takes the first steps towards her new life, very often a departed husband appears on the threshold, who suddenly realized that he was wrong. For some couples, this moment becomes a turning point and they begin their relationship again, but in a different way. But some ladies still prefer to find new love or even find happiness in a free life.