What is cheating for a couple?
When people decide to join their destinies, they cannot even imagine that they will soon have to face similar trials. The bride and groom trust each other unconditionally. Cheating for a couple is a serious test. Marriage is tested for strength, sometimes bursting at the seams. At these moments, family values are seriously tested, and the results achieved are called into question.
Cheating speaks of a lack of peace in the soul, that a person does not value his soul mate. Forgetting a wife who cheated is incredibly difficult. This requires reconsidering too many things, maintaining faith in yourself, and restoring peace of mind. And the above processes require serious internal work, for which there is often not enough time or energy.
Why do women walk to the left?
Psychologists say that betrayal by a woman is associated with emotional discomfort. If there is no mutual understanding in the family, then there is a high probability that the wife will begin to seek solace in the arms of a stranger. It could be a work colleague, just an acquaintance or a close friend. Thus, she tries to find lost peace and well-being.
A woman’s sense of self-confidence is closely related to the ability to be liked and impress. When her own husband does not give her warmth, affection begins to cool. You have to prove to yourself that you are still desirable and attractive to men. How can this be done most comfortably? Of course, try to charm another man, attract his attention. It is noteworthy that women often choose a partner younger than themselves. This happens on an unconscious level in order to increase self-esteem.
Psychological reasons for cheating
Most people are monogamous by nature, but some desires in the psyche push us to change:
- People with the skin vector really love variety. They feel and show love through affection, tenderness, touching, stroking. If a partner rejects such manifestations, then you want to caress the one who accepts. Also, a passion for novelty and change pushes them to seek new sensations with another partner.
- The visual vector in this sense is full of surprises: love is above all. The amorousness of such people is amazing. They rush into a pool for new love. For her sake, like the heroine from the epigraph, they are ready to run to the ends of the world, leaving their old life behind.
- Some women have a cutaneous-visual bundle of vectors in their psyche. They attract attention, flirt, bat their eyes. They are limited not by female shame, like others, but by culture. In a state of stress or underdeveloped mental properties, they begin to seduce all men in a row. Unconsciously they are looking for a protector. This is what people are talking about. A woman may not understand what attracts men so much about her.
Can a mistake be forgiven?
A painful question for anyone who has been cheated on. A person often finds himself in a dual state. He wants to stop loving the offender so as not to suffer, but this does not work. Rarely does anyone decide to immediately separate from their spouse. No matter how much the resentment burns, people are in no hurry to resort to divorce. I want to understand the situation, to understand what is really happening.
READ Wife cheats on her husband with his friends: causes and consequences of double betrayal
There is no need to try to squeeze forgiveness out of yourself. If a person comes to this, then it will be a personal decision, rather an exception to the rule, rather than something universal. Mental pain cannot be overcome quickly. It will take a lot of time and patience, colossal efforts on the part of the one who suffered the disappointment. You need to forgive from the heart and only when the situation deserves it.
How to survive betrayal: Scheme of events
The fact of betrayal is a point of no return. After everything happened, it will definitely be bad for everyone. To everyone - the traitor, the one who was cheated on, and the one with whom they cheated. This article is for those who have become victims of betrayal.
There are many options for further developments. What do you have? You may think that betrayal is everywhere and always betrayal, but no. What you do depends on how events develop. Answer the questions to understand where you are now.
- Do you have evidence of treason, or just suspicions?
- Did your husband admit to cheating on you or did you find out about it yourself?
- Does your husband know that you know about the affair?
- Has the relationship ended or is it still ongoing?
- What intentions does the husband express?
To understand how to proceed, you need to know exactly what “coordinate system” you are in now. So now stop shedding tears and start planning your life.
What happens after my husband cheats?
As a result, there are four possible scenarios.
- The husband left both you and his mistress.
- The husband doesn’t leave, but he doesn’t break off the relationship either
- Your husband leaves you for his mistress.
- The husband broke up with his mistress and asks him to forgive him.
The first option - he left both his wife and his mistress - it’s just like a meteorite falling on Earth. Rare and enchanting.
The second option is a little more common. The situation is painful for all three. In terms of the level of neuroticism, it is perhaps the most harmful.
The third - the husband left for his mistress - the option is essentially terrible. But getting through it is much easier than when the husband is “undecided.” Yes, a new life has begun for you - a life in which there are no more lies.
The fourth option - your husband left his mistress for you - is one of the most difficult. It all sounds very good, but you understand that it will not be the same as before. This means that we need to build new relationships, taking into account past mistakes.
How to accept the fact of betrayal
The hardest thing is to accept the fact of what happened. At first, the brain refuses to perceive information and begins to come up with all sorts of excuses. I want to continue to love as before, regardless of what happened. But with this approach it is easy to harm yourself, lose faith in yourself and the necessary confidence.
You cannot advise a person to let go of the past by all available means. Internal resources are not unlimited, but have limits. If forgiveness is to come, it must come from within, and not through coercion.
Coping with yourself means maintaining peace of mind, and not forcing yourself to act in a certain way, to the detriment of your own pride. You shouldn’t immediately try to justify your partner in your own eyes. You need to come to your senses and experience negative emotions. Only then will you be able to let go of the mental pain.
Find out the source of information
It happens that evil tongues achieve specific actions: the breakdown of a family, the emergence of a hostile mood. That's why you don't need to believe everyone. No matter how bitter it may be, you should not succumb to provocation. It's better to find out everything yourself. Information needs to be checked, given a chance to correct the situation, and discover prospects.
If an envious person spreads rumors, then you should doubt the truth of the assumption. The person is probably not acting with good intentions.
Talk to your wife
A timely conversation will help clarify a lot. Conversation helps relieve tension and build understanding between people. Sometimes it is enough to have a heart-to-heart talk, to explain with an open heart, to avoid a breakup and additional accusations.
There is no need to remind each other about previously made mistakes. This doesn't make any sense. It is enough to discuss only the current situation, to become imbued with the interests of the partner, without forgetting about your own. Then in the future there will be no desire to blame each other, recalling previous mistakes.
READ Signs and most common reasons for a wife’s infidelity
Take a break in the relationship
After a traumatic event has occurred, it is helpful to pause. You need to give time to both yourself and your significant other. During this period, you should not torment yourself with needless torment. You should try to calmly think about what happened in order to make the right decision in the future. It is not easy for believers in this regard.
Orthodox canons dictate specific rules for all occasions. Divorce is not acceptable under any circumstances. Even by forcing a husband to tolerate his wife’s infidelity, the individual is belittled and individual thoughts and experiences are not taken into account.
Find the reason in yourself
A reasonable person reflects on the reasons for his own actions and the motives of the behavior of others. Such people freely determine how they should act in a given situation; they know that they themselves are not ideal.
Trying to find the reason within yourself means identifying your own shortcomings and finding an explanation for everything that happens. If conflicts constantly occurred in family life, this indicates such character traits as intolerance, authoritarianism, reluctance to help, or to participate in everyday affairs.
Sometimes you need to look at yourself from the outside, repent and ask for forgiveness. This is not easy to do, given that most people have an excessive sense of self-esteem and are afraid of being in a humiliated position.
Visit a psychologist
The worst thing about cheating is the loss of trust. The individual loses confidence in the partner, and therefore in the safety of the world around him. After all, if the closest person can cheat, then other people pose an even greater danger. The usual picture of the world is shattered, leaving behind only fear, doubt and uncertainty. Many formerly rejected spouses come to the need to visit a psychologist.
A specialist will help you work through your internal conflict, heal from mental wounds, and survive what happened with minimal emotional losses. The advice of a psychologist will be useful to those who despair, have lost faith in themselves and have become indifferent to everything that is happening. A competent professional will not rush, justify the spouse’s action, which seems unambiguous, and will not cultivate feelings of guilt. The main task is to preserve an integral personality, indestructible all-round thinking.
Cheating husband, advice from a psychologist. Stage 1 - Shock
The first batch of tips is focused on your actions in the first days after learning the terrible news.
Description of the period: unstable mood - sometimes rage, sometimes despair, sometimes hatred, sometimes love.
Duration of period: 1-2 weeks.
Main goal: survive the shock.
- Stop yourself from making decisions. Because they will be taken solely under the influence of the stress hormone. And don’t tell me: “I thought and decided!” At this time, you simply physically cannot think objectively. I wish I could remember the multiplication table.
- Start collecting information about the phenomenon of betrayal. Articles, forums, books, communication. For what? Then, to regain the ability to think. Now it seems to you that this is “horror-horror.” But after reading the articles, hearing other people’s stories, you will understand that “yes, horror. But not horror-horror-horror.” In a clever way this is called reducing dramatization.
- Don't be alone. Always with someone nearby. You can do it silently. Because you are now a little energy vampire. Yes, sorry, but it's true. And there is nothing selfish about receiving strength from somewhere. In the end, every person wants to be needed by someone. Let your loved ones, friends and even just friends be needed. There is no need to discuss your troubles with everyone. You just need someone whose company you don’t mind to be in the room.
- Find a trusted person who will listen to your stories and wipe away your tears. This is where we need to talk. It would be better if it was a psychologist. As a last resort - a friend. So that you can cry out your sadness, your grief. Cry it out as many times as your soul needs.
The most common mistakes : focusing on your misfortune and pain. Blame one person for everything: yourself or him.
Stage 2. Reboot
The most painful and responsible stage. This is where what happens next is decided. This is where it passes from the acute phase to the chronic phase.
Description of the period: emotional swing - sometimes good, sometimes bad.
Duration of the period: according to my observations, from a month to six months. If it takes longer, it means someone is deliberately delaying it.
The main goal: decide how to live further.
Tip 1. Instead of self-flagellation, write down all the thoughts that come to mind in the form of abstracts. You will think a lot about your mistakes. Don’t mull them over in your head, but write them down: “You can’t do this, you have to do this…”
Tip 2. Focus on your man. Try to understand his behavior. I know it sounds like, “Guess what the frog is thinking.” And I know that you always want to show him your feelings and pain. But now the main thing is to figure out whether he is ready to work on the situation and correct mistakes. It is at this stage that women usually come to me and together we figure out what the traitor now means when he says certain words. And how to convey to him what you want.
Tip 2+ . There is no man next to you yet. It's simpler. There is no need to carry anything to anyone. You will pay your pain to the psychologist, and having become wiser and more beautiful, you will go to build new relationships!
Tip 3. The greatest flow of pain that can occur after betrayal occurs during this period. Get rid of pain. Use your entire arsenal of tools, don’t disdain anything. Neither esotericism, nor meditation, nor logic.
Tip 4. Remember that you are building a world for two. With this man or with another, there should be a place in your soul and in your life for a man and his interests. And yours too! Necessarily!
The most common mistakes: overdoing it with “tightening the screws” with a husband who admitted his guilt; believe your pride and refuse to give a chance to someone who truly deserves it; to be sure that “the man was grinding today, there are no longer any reliable ones.”
What not to do if your wife cheated
When a person is faced with severe mental pain, he experiences bitter disappointment. This is a natural state caused by internal devastation. Unfulfilled hopes weigh more heavily than momentary failures.
If you had to face betrayal, then it is necessary to change the dominant line of behavior. But some actions will not only not bring the desired result, but can even cause serious harm. Let's look at them in more detail.
- Give back. There is nothing more stupid than trying to inflict pain in revenge. If the offended party immediately rushes to cheat, then there will be no peace in the soul. On the contrary, anxiety, suspicion, and the desire to win back will increase. To betray in return means to plunge into the abyss of deception and dishonesty.
- Ask to change and come back. If as a result of a breakup a person left of his own free will, it is useless to convince him otherwise. There is no point in humiliating yourself because your ex-partner will have the opportunity to manipulate the current situation.
- Blackmail with children. This is a dishonest act. If a couple has children, then they cannot be prohibited from seeing their mother. Let the betrayal remain on the wife's conscience. You should not speak badly about a loved one in front of a child.
READ My husband found out about my betrayal: how to find a way out of a difficult situation
How to survive your husband's betrayal: Three stages
I identified these stages when counseling women who had to deal with their husband’s betrayal. This means that at each of these stages I structure counseling differently. Now I will briefly tell you about all three stages, and then we will look at each in more detail. Knowing these stages will help you predict what awaits you next. And how to behave so that everything ends as soon as possible.
Stage 1 - shock
Shocked by the news. Either complete stupor or hysteria. Very acute pain, emotions go through the roof. The world collapsed overnight.
Stage 2 - reboot
The shock passed like a thunderstorm. The rumbles of thunder can still be heard, but they are already far away. Now you must inspect the destruction and understand how bad it is.
Stage 3 - recovery
The pain is no longer acute, it is lingering. Presses, presses... Gradually less and less, but very slowly, if you don’t help her leave. It's time to get used to your new life.
Now let's take a closer look at each stage. They are the same for each of the 4 situations. But if you and your husband do break up, just replace “Advice 2” with “Advice 2+”
How to save a marriage after
If you want not to destroy the relationship despite the current circumstances, you need to check your feelings well. Is love really so strong that you have to fight for it? When cheating happens by accident, people quickly realize it. Then you have to look for methods to restore relationships.
The most important criterion is sincerity and purity of thoughts. You should not recall previous grievances or try to prick your partner more painfully with reproaches. The one who forgives must do so unconditionally, from the bottom of his heart. Refuse hidden manipulation, leave your heart open and filled with tender feelings.
Is it possible to bring back old feelings?
This question occupies people no less than all the previous ones. If a person has a kind and open heart, then he wants to forgive and let go of the offense. In theory, everything looks beautiful and noble, but in practice it is much more complicated. After betrayal, a certain distance from the partner is felt: old feelings disappear, resentment overwhelms. This is a natural state caused by a defensive reaction of the psyche.
To fulfill an intention, you must have a strong core and act from a pure heart. However, if you cannot immediately come to forgiveness, you should not rush. Suffering also deserves attention. You need to give yourself time to process what happened and only then move forward.
Facing the betrayal of your significant other inevitably changes your life. For a man, surviving his wife’s betrayal means coping with humiliation, overcoming internal discomfort and shame. After all, what hurts a man most is that he was treated unfairly and his feelings were questioned. A strong person can forgive and accept, but this requires enormous effort.
Under what circumstances will it be impossible to regain your wife's trust?
Since regaining the trust of a wife after a man’s infidelity is still a difficult process, it is also necessary to consider the sad outcome in order to insure against it. It would be inappropriate for your spouse to forgive you if:
- Scenes of infidelity had a serious duration - several months, years, while you try in every possible way to hide the details, revealing them only under pressure;
- The wife has irrefutable evidence that you have not stopped communicating with the homewrecker (you continue to communicate or are still dating);
- You do not guarantee that you will remove your mistress from your friends list of social networks, phone, and will not get rid of gifts;
- You try to dodge, coming up with more and more excuses for your innocence, accompanying the conversation with false facts and unreliable details.
All this will scare away your spouse, since this form of behavior does not guarantee happiness from living together with you for the following reasons:
- Failure to admit your mistake;
- Denial of guilt;
- The predominance of the opinion “This is adult life, this is how it should be, because everyone lives like this”
- High rate of false information;
- Demonstration of lack of desire to maintain the union;
- No guarantee.
However, a woman is able to turn a blind eye to the act, due to everyday circumstances and material components, if her life with her children significantly worsens during a divorce. But, again, unhealthy relationships can leave a serious imprint on the mental health of children; sometimes divorce will bring less serious discomfort than cohabitation. The decision is yours.
