Jealousy: 18 ways to fight it

According to statistics, every fifth marriage breaks up due to jealousy. Often this destructive feeling literally destroys everything in its path. Love, family, children - everything and everyone falls into these millstones. How to get rid of jealousy? Save relationships and protect feelings? Many people find it very difficult to find answers to these questions. This article contains the most current advice from psychologists on the topic of jealousy.

The feeling of jealousy depends entirely on the psychological component of a person. Sometimes, the most insignificant reason can affect the mood and cause unsubstantiated suspicions. Jealousy can be hidden within yourself, but this will not eradicate the overall problem. Without its awareness, it is impossible to get rid of this aggravating condition, so it is important to figure out what exactly became its key and learn to cope with it.

What is jealousy?

Jealousy is any psycho-emotional state accompanied by anxiety and uncertainty in the affection of a loved one: partner, parent, child, friend, etc.

In its normal form, jealousy is a complex, subjectively significant reaction of an individual to a situation that is difficult in its understanding - the betrayal of a partner. Pathological jealousy has no motive or basis; it is interpreted by clinical psychiatry as an illogical conviction of the infidelity of the other half, not confirmed by objective facts.

The mechanisms of occurrence of this phenomenon were studied in detail in the teachings of K. Jung, Z. Freud, E. Fromm, W. Frankl, A. Maslow.

It is necessary to differentiate jealousy from envy: in the second case, there are only two sides - the one who envies and the one who is envied. Jealousy presupposes a triadic relationship: No. 1 - the jealous one, No. 2 - the one who is jealous (the loved one) and No. 3 - the one (or those) who are jealous. Jealousy is aimed at a third party - an enemy who claims the affection and attention of the object of love.

Final Thoughts

There are times when jealousy may actually be justified. For example, if your partner has cheated in the past. In this case, things can be difficult. And if you are jealous because you feel that you are with a person who does not strive for a monogamous relationship, then it is better to break up with such a partner and forget him. But when you are senselessly jealous, you are not showing love, you are only showing your insecurity.

Types of jealousy

There are many classifications of feelings of jealousy. According to one of them, there are 5 forms of this phenomenon:

obsessive fear of divorce;
depressed;
paranoid;
manic;
hypertrophied.

Mild manifestations of this disorder can be overcome by a confidential conversation with a partner; severe cases of the so-called Othello syndrome require professional intervention.

In view of the obvious differentiation of the sexes in the matter of psychology, researchers propose to distinguish between female and male jealousy:

Women need the attention and admiration of a partner much more than men. They envy and are jealous of their chosen ones towards other women if they seem to them more beautiful and interesting than themselves;
male jealousy is determined by the desire to conquer and absolute power over a partner. By limiting a woman’s freedom, jealous people suppress all possible manifestations of attention from rivals: work colleagues, friends, casual admirers. Flashy clothes and makeup, delays at work, and the appearance of new friends of the opposite sex can provoke attacks of rage.

Depending on the source, jealousy can be divided into the following types:

Tyrannical jealousy is characteristic of despotic and petty people. For the most part, its carriers are men. If there is a suspicion of infidelity (usually groundless), the tyrant will make potentially impossible demands on his other half, for example: not to communicate with male people, stop wearing makeup or attend a sports section. Refusal to comply with bullying demands greatly increases the partner’s suspicion.
Converted jealousy is a projection of one’s own desires and thoughts about betrayal onto one’s partner. A person is convinced that since he himself is prone to infidelity, then everyone else is the same.
Complex people with low self-esteem suffer from a different type of jealousy. Any contact between a partner and a person of the opposite sex hurts the self-esteem of suspicious and anxious people and makes them worry about the integrity of the relationship. They easily find reasons for jealousy, seeing each person in contact with their partner as their competitor. Even minimal inattention to the needs of a suspicious jealous person (or jealous woman) is a reason to doubt the love and fidelity of the other half.
Instilled jealousy is a feeling instilled in a person by parents, friends, and media products (books, films, TV shows). Based on personal experiences of infidelity and betrayal, these sources conclude that “all men/women are the same and cannot be trusted.”

Jealousy is healthy and neurotic

According to the classification of American psychoanalyst and follower of neo-Freudianism Karen Horney, jealousy can be healthy and neurotic. In the first case, a person experiences a natural reaction to the approaching danger of losing the love of a loved one. In the second case, the reaction is in no way proportional to the possible danger of betrayal.

The neurotic is terrified of losing the “right” to own the object of his love. Any interest that this object of love shows in another person, object or activity can be regarded by a neurotic as a potential danger.

Leo Tolstoy in his work “Anna Karenina” described this phenomenon as follows: “She (Anna) was jealous of him not just for another woman, but for the decrease in his love. Still not having a reason for jealousy, she looked for him.”

It is also proposed to differentiate between reactive and suspicious jealousy:

in the first case, the partner’s concern has real grounds;
in the second case, jealousy is associated with the personal psychological characteristics of a person: it arises for a reason that is invented independently, and not in response to the real danger of betrayal.

According to research, the more committed the relationship, the more jealous the partners are of each other. This feeling is further intensified if the wife or husband is told that, for some reason, he is not suitable for his partner, or is given an alternative to a completely unattractive relationship.

Forget about the past

Often women, and even representatives of the stronger sex, with some kind of paranoid persistence, are jealous of their other half of their former spouses (if this is not the first marriage) or girlfriends (friends) with whom they had intimate intimacy. Any contact, be it SMS, call or personal meeting, is regarded as a confirmed fact of betrayal.

There is a good Russian proverb on this topic: “Whoever remembers the past is out of sight.”

Of course, losing your sight is unnecessary, but we all have certain baggage behind us. After all, it is stupid to assume that an adult did not have a first love or did not try to build relationships with anyone. And it’s also stupid to demand that your partner cross out his entire previous life - it’s simply impossible.

What to do in such a situation? Try to put yourself in your partner's shoes and try to imagine your feelings if you were forbidden to communicate with friends or people you know. Representatives? Here is the answer to the question.

But this does not always work. There is another option - to delicately talk to your significant other and try to convince you to limit communication. But let me make a reservation right away: this is far from the best solution to the problem. It’s better not to torment yourself and your partner with jealousy, but tell yourself that you are together and your loved one chose you.

Causes and mechanism of jealousy

Jealousy in adulthood is a behavioral pattern learned in childhood. In most cases, the causes of this disorder lie in psychological trauma: lack of parental love, a noticeable preponderance of attention towards another family member.

In order for a child to develop normally, he needs sufficient free space. Even a close person cannot violate personal boundaries.

According to S. Freud, the ability to build trusting love relationships is established during the genital phase of psychosexual development (puberty: 12–18 years). At this stage of growing up, the child experiences a narcissistic crisis - he is self-centered and extremely focused on his own personality, which is due to age-related physiological characteristics. The child may identify with the parent of the opposite sex (Oedipus complex), idealizing him, and competing with the parent of the same sex for his love and attention. This is quite normal and is a necessary part of gender role self-identification.

Children may react negatively to the upcoming birth of a new family member, because this risks losing parental love. Therefore, it is important to constantly confirm to the baby that he is special, and the appearance of a brother or sister will not deprive him of this status.

Parents themselves can also provoke a child to jealousy, pointing out to him that he is worse than other children in some way: studies, talents, behavior, appearance, etc. Awareness of someone else's superiority causes annoyance and envy, forming an inferiority complex in a person.

To cope with jealousy and raise a child as a self-sufficient person, psychologists advise giving him enough attention and helping in everything, emphasizing that he can always rely on his parents.

Jealousy as a way to attract attention

The feeling of loneliness in a relationship, lack of attention and affection makes a person manipulate his partner. One of the methods of manipulation is the targeted incitement of jealousy.

Typically women use these techniques. To provoke them, they tell their partners real or fictitious stories about how other men seek their attention: they give compliments, try to get to know each other, invite them on a date.

Professional jealousy

It is not necessary for jealousy to be a triangle “I - Significant Person - Rival”. The third link of this triad may well be an inanimate object - a profession, a hobby, a favorite activity.

An individual is afraid of losing the attention and love of a significant person, because he devotes maximum time to his work or hobby, thereby infringing on his claims to care. Attention in this case acts as the main value and indicator of priority attitude.

This is especially true when the husband and wife (or other close people) work in the same professional field: for example, in art, medicine, law enforcement, etc.

Within a healthy family, there is no need to demonstrate your superiority. It is important to recognize and appreciate the achievements of your husband/wife, and give free rein to your own ambitions: improve your skills, correct your mistakes, strive for new achievements. This constructive type of jealousy will only strengthen family relationships.

Jealousy as a way to remove suspicion

In his work “On neurotic mechanisms in jealousy, paranoia and homosexuality,” S. Freud puts forward the hypothesis that a partner’s jealousy is his personal unsatisfied desire to change.

By making accusations of infidelity, a person relieves himself of guilt for these forbidden deep desires and shifts attention from his own unconscious to the unconscious of his partner.

If the fact of betrayal has already occurred, then the unfaithful spouse expects the same meanness from the partner, constantly tormenting him with suspicions. Psychologists advise: as soon as a person accepts the fact that the problem of all his experiences lies within himself, he will get rid of unmotivated jealousy towards his partner.

Jealousy of past relationships

Past relationships are a frequent reason for jealousy: especially if a person remarries after the previous one broke up due to the partner’s infidelity. In this case, excessive suspicion has a completely physical justification: the person is afraid of being deceived again and remains on guard.

Due to their emotionality, women are more prone than men to nostalgia and reflection on past relationships. The present is jealous of the past: “what if the husband returns to his ex-wife,” or “true love only happens once in a lifetime,” etc.

You can even be jealous of a long-broken relationship: a woman always involuntarily compares herself with her ex-boyfriend’s new passion, fantasizes about the moment when they meet by chance, and he (former lover, boyfriend, husband) understands that she is much better. Cinema often speculates on this latent thirst for triumph over a rival: the happy ending of many melodramas is presented in this light.

In order to get rid of jealousy, psychologists advise women to reflect less on the past of their men, without asking questions like “how often did he give her flowers” or “what kind words did he call his ex-girlfriend?”

Any new relationship carries echoes of all past contacts of both partners. They are, in the literal sense of the word, built on the experience gained as a result of these contacts. Psychologists advise not to be jealous of your man (or woman) about the past, but to learn to appreciate his personal space, since this is his experience, and there is no way to change it.

Even if a guy shares pleasant memories of relationships with other girls, talks about the feelings and emotions he experienced, there is no need to be jealous of them: psychologists advise taking this for granted and mentally thanking past partners, because it was thanks to them that the guy became what he is in his current relationship .

To get rid of unreasonable jealousy, psychologists advise having an open conversation with your husband/wife about how the past has affected their life and the life of their partner. If a jealous person (or a jealous person) resists this, continuing to spoil their life together with ridiculous guesses, it is worth turning to a psychotherapist.

Why do some people consider jealousy to be evidence of genuine feelings?

It is quite difficult not to be jealous of your loved one, since jealousy is an instinctive state. It originates in such an obligatory character trait as a sense of ownership, which largely serves as a defensive reaction in marital or intimate relationships. The absence of such a reaction only speaks of indifference and indifference to the partner.

At the same time, jealousy cannot be considered an indisputable sign of love. It exists on its own and includes, rather, mistrust, fear of defeat and a heightened desire to be an owner. Love is not necessary here.

Unhealthy forms of jealousy manifest themselves when they perceive their partner as their indivisible property, as well as in any disagreements during conversation or behavior that is perceived as betrayal. This attitude can lead to long-term conflicts and adverse consequences.

Studying the psychology of jealous people, experts concluded that such individuals are characterized by such character traits as psychological dependence in relationships and low self-esteem. These people rarely have self-realization, willpower and respect for both themselves and others.

Usually people get jealous when they are not confident in themselves or when they lack attention from their partner.

You can be jealous of your job, parents, friends, past lovers, etc.

Jealousy always arises where there is no trust. Usually, these are people suffering from suspiciousness and suspiciousness; it is impossible to earn their trust. They are not capable of truly loving, because such a high feeling is based on selflessness and altruism, which is alien and incomprehensible to them. Their behavior is based on habitual selfishness, fear of being deprived of a comfortable lifestyle and fear of becoming a laughing stock for others. Often jealous people cheat on themselves, so they don’t believe in devotion and fidelity.

Is jealousy good or bad?

A healthy form of jealousy is an excellent incentive for self-improvement. It makes a person suffer, but also motivates him to be better than his competitor. Comparing himself with him, a person discovers his own shortcomings and tries to get rid of them: he begins to read a lot to become interesting in communication, goes to the gym, improving his appearance.

Fueled by mild jealousy, intimate relationships become more vivid and memorable, because the jealous person tries to prove to his partner his uniqueness and exclusivity.

The other side of this coin is pathological jealousy. In criminology, this feeling is considered as the main motive for murder within partnerships and marital relationships.

According to the research of Ph.D. legal Sci. D. A. Shestakova “Matrimonial murder as a social problem”, 75–80% of all marital murders were committed by men. Of these, 35% were committed because of the jealousy of their husbands, and in 15% of cases the latter killed their wives simply on the basis of their suspicion of infidelity.

90% of murders were committed in a state of passion: the remaining 10% of crimes were planned in advance. In the first case, people grabbed a knife in a fit of hatred or resentment, not realizing that their act was criminally punishable. Those who planned in advance to kill or inflict grievous bodily harm were convinced that this was the only appropriate way to carry out revenge.

Obsessive, all-consuming jealousy is a feeling that destroys the lives of both parties: the bearer and the object to which it is directed. If you do not give it a way out, it provokes a number of psychosomatic diseases: neurosis and emotional exhaustion, headaches, hypertension, obesity, endocrine and skin problems. Jealous people cannot allow themselves to be satisfied and happy: they are both tormentors and victims, tyrants, and eternal slaves of their anxiety disorders.

Stereotypes are based on such examples that there is no place for jealousy in true love. A. Maslow also relied on them when creating a classification of love. The researcher identifies 2 types of this feeling:

love of type “D”, based on mutual self-interest: with the help of such love a person strives to satisfy the scarce need in his life;
love type “B”: sincere, pure, selfless.

According to this concept, only the first type of love is characterized by jealousy, while the second is pure from any human passions.

At the same time, in real relationships both types of love are mixed: human feelings cannot be considered separately from the context of their implementation. A loving person satisfies any needs of his partner, including pragmatic ones, and this is quite normal.

Even people who are completely financially independent run a family farm together. Naturally, the potential for dissolution of such a relationship worries a person and cannot but provoke jealousy.

Scary but sobering facts about jealousy

In order to emphasize the destructive (destructive) nature of jealousy, I want to cite a few real facts. The material is taken from the book “Stress, burnout, coping in a modern context” edited by A. L. Zhuravlev and E. A. Sergienko. I don't want to scare you in any way. My goal is to fully illuminate the real state of affairs. So, the facts about jealousy:

Every fifth family is destroyed due to jealousy.
In every fourth family, jealousy played a major role in divorce.
In Russia, up to 1,000 murders are committed every year due to jealousy.
In 990 cases, the husband kills his wife.
There is a trend toward an increase in the percentage of wife killers.
Giving in to jealousy, a person literally experiences torment (uncertainty, anxiety, fear, etc.). Uncontrolled jealousy can turn into paranoia.
Jealousy poisons the life of the individual (he does not think about anything other than the subject and object of jealousy) and his partner.
The situation of jealousy is a stressful situation. Physiological indicators change (heart rate increases, blood pressure rises, sleep is disturbed). The body spends a huge amount of energy to overcome it.
Women are more likely to be offended, look for reasons within themselves, experience feelings of anxiety and insecurity, and become depressed.
Men are more prone to aggression, rage, anger, irritation, envy, and a sense of competition.
In a situation of jealousy, people experience physical, psychological and emotional discomfort.

Do you still think that this is a sign of concern and love? If so, then all my previous words were in vain, and your time, alas, was wasted. I apologize, and in this case, you should not delve further into the article. If you did not consider jealousy a positive phenomenon or do not now, then I am glad to continue our unique consultation.

How to deal with other people's jealousy: advice from psychologists

The main advice of psychologists to women suffering from tyrannical or manic jealousy of a spouse is not to remain silent, but to fight it: it is pointless to ignore the problem and expect that “it will go away on its own” if you do not give reasons for suspicion.

The longer a woman keeps silent about the problem, the more alarming it will become. A spouse suffering from an inferiority complex or mental disorder will find a reason for jealousy even where there is none, forcing his victim to suffer, sometimes not only morally, but also physically.

You can fight jealousy only through joint efforts; for this, psychologists advise women to drag their partner out for a serious conversation. The conversation should be held when the spouse is in a good mood: calmly and without hysterics, explain to him the groundlessness of his suspicions, tell him about your love and affection for him. If your loved one is not a pathological jealous person with an “Othello complex,” one or more of these heart-to-heart conversations will definitely help.

It is important to understand the partner’s motives; all jealousy has a source: lack of confidence in oneself and one’s own strengths, or, conversely, pride and confidence that a loved one is his undivided property.

In the first situation, the jealous man suffers from low self-esteem and is afraid of losing to more beautiful, smart, interesting contenders for the heart of his chosen one. He is afraid that he will miss the moment when his wife stops loving him and leaves for another, more perfect candidate.

To cope with the jealousy and mistrust of a suspicious husband, psychologists advise praising him more often, extolling his merits and trying not to notice minor flaws.

If a man is despotic and views his wife as property, it will be much more difficult to solve the problem. A woman needs to gather all her strong-willed qualities into a fist and firmly explain to her husband that she is a free person. A man must understand that a successful, self-sufficient, intelligent wife is pride, and not a humiliation of his dignity.

How to help a man get rid of jealousy, advice from a psychologist:

it is necessary to create complete trust in the relationship: you should be interested in the life and affairs of your partner, share your thoughts and experiences;
there is no need to specifically force your partner to be jealous by testing the “strength” of his feelings;
to strengthen a man’s self-esteem, you need to praise him, encourage him, support his decisions in the company of friends and relatives;
if the jealous person is also a hypochondriac, you can tell him that pathological suspicion causes significant damage to mental health. In addition to a bad mood, it has a destructive effect on the nervous, digestive, and endocrine systems and provokes functional failures in other organs.

To relieve tension during the next attack of jealous anger, you can jointly come up with a code word, an anchor, clinging to which it will be easier for a man to calm down. For example, during a dinner party, a lot of admiring glances from other men are directed at the wife: an angry jealous man is ready to make a scandal with his wife about a revealing outfit, makeup, behavior, etc., but a code word is said at the right time (for example, “have a nice day” ) makes him stop and think, was there, in fact, a reason for anger?

If a man does not heed any advice and does not stop being unreasonably jealous of his wife, throwing tantrums and blackmailing her, psychologists advise thinking about the advisability of such a relationship.

A hypnotherapy specialist extracts from the depths of the subconscious the traumatic details that lead to pathological suspicion and jealousy, determines the main mechanisms of its occurrence and teaches how to control one’s emotions, preventing dangerous consequences in a timely manner.

Keep yourself busy

If you just can’t cope with the feeling of jealousy and don’t know how to deal with it, then try to keep yourself busy with something. As sociological surveys have shown, among housewives who are not busy with anything other than housekeeping, the percentage of women susceptible to attacks of jealousy is noticeably higher than among those who are busy with other household chores.

This is explained quite simply. For housewives, their social circle is kept to a minimum and, as a rule, their interests are family and relationships. And this vicious circle can awaken a terrible beast - jealousy. The recipe for the fight in this case is quite simple - you need to occupy yourself with some activity that would go beyond the usual circle of concerns.

This could be reading, walking, going to the gym, making new acquaintances or renewing old ones. In general, everything that will help you break out of the routine of your usual way of life.

How to stop being jealous of your life partner

When faced with jealousy, mistrust and suspicion, a person subconsciously strives to muffle these feelings, because they are unpleasant in themselves and confuse his life guidelines.
It is extremely difficult to come to terms with and live with these feelings, which is why finding a solution to the problem is so important. This is especially true for women who rush to extremes and perceive the lack of attention from their husbands as a disaster.

How to stop being jealous of your husband? For women, this issue is vitally important, because the preservation of the family depends on it.

Advice for your wife

The advice of a psychologist on the problem of jealousy in the family is clear and boils down to the following.

First step. Recognizing a negative feeling is the path to overcoming it. Understanding the nature of jealousy, its causes, consequences is one of the most important stages in the fight against it. After all, if thoughts of betrayal, distrust, suspiciousness and fear break into family relationships and do not go away for a long time, this will inevitably lead to collapse. It is important to clearly understand what is happening both inside yourself and outside. If jealousy is superficial and only tingles your sense of pride, it may well revive a boring relationship, but if it torments you for days on end, it’s definitely worth dealing with.
Second step. Visibility makes it possible to look at the situation soberly. To do this, you should write down all the feelings that arise during an attack of jealousy. Fear, rejection of reality, pain, anger - the list of them can be huge . By answering questions related to the appearance of each emotion separately, you can develop a scheme for controlling them. For example: “Am I jealous and suspect my husband of cheating? I'm scared of losing him. Why? Because I depend on him financially, I don’t want to traumatize my child with a divorce, I love him and I need him for psychological peace.”
Third step. Analyze the entire list of responses based on emotions. The result will be a list of positive emotions that need to be preserved in relation to your husband, as well as a list of negative aspects that were noticed in his behavior.
Fourth step. Correcting your emotions. For example: fear born of financial dependence can be eliminated by getting a job or part-time job; fear of losing family peace and tenderness of relationships is corrected by returning to the behavior pattern of the courtship period. No sane man will look away if a calm, beautiful, loving and supportive wife is waiting for him at home.
Fifth step. Possible adjustment of his behavior. This is a particularly difficult moment. No person has the right to impose his will on another, but it is possible to predict an action, as well as direct it in the right direction. It is very important to act calmly and unobtrusively. Men tend to show attention to women. A simple request for something small, such as ice cream or a glass of wine, will be granted. By the way, this meets a man’s need to be a breadwinner. This is very important for them. So with the help of little things you can regain attention.

The steps described above should be taken gradually, without breaking down. The most important condition is calmness and understanding of your actions.

Advice for husband

A jealous man is a scourge for a family. Unlike a woman, his jealousy appears openly.

Often, attacks of jealousy have serious consequences both psychologically and physically. Children can also fall under the hot hand. But if a man is aware of the problem and wants to correct the current situation, the algorithm of his actions follows the following plan.

The first action, as in women, is awareness of the problem and visual analysis of emotions and actions. And not only her actions, but also his own.
Work on controlling your emotions and actions. For example, if a feeling of suspicion begins to grow and bother you, you should exhale slowly and as calmly as possible inquire about your wife’s affairs and offer her your help. A man's tender attention and care are always very pleasant for a woman, no matter how long she has been married.
Constructive, calm conversation. Women by nature know how to listen and build logical chains. Yes, they sometimes have their own logic, but an understanding of the pattern is definitely present in the female brain.

You should honestly express to them your concerns and reasons for jealousy . At their core, they are the same for everyone. In a calm dialogue, even the most complex problems can often be solved. Men should remember that a woman is a mother by nature, and she is not inclined to be the first to ruin family relationships without a good reason.

Mutual respect and the ability to speak calmly as equals is the key to a strong married life.

Literature on the topic

In parting, I recommend M. Friedman’s book “The Psychology of Jealousy” for self-knowledge. This is one of the few scientific publications that fully and comprehensively reveal the phenomenon of jealousy. Including at the level of neural processes in the brain. The book also examines pathological jealousy, that is, based on mental disorders. In its correction, of course, you need to use medications and complex techniques. I hope you don't have to face such a situation.

If it is not you who suffer from jealousy, but your partner, then after reading this book you will begin to understand him better. Well, if you yourself “sin” with jealousy, then based on the author’s numerous examples and recommendations from the article, I am sure you will be able to build your own mechanism for controlling it. And most importantly, you will find sustainable motives for changing your behavior.

Value yourself and your partner, respect each other! Respect is providing freedom for self-realization. Love is sincere joy for the success of your partner. Please always remember these simple truths.

Watch the video and find out how two simple married couples cope (with the help of a psychologist) with the jealousy of the wife in one case and the jealousy of the husband in the other.