In this article, I will turn a relationship with a married man inside out - the advice of a psychologist will help you put together in your head a complete picture of what is really happening between him and you. And then you will receive step-by-step instructions on how to break up with a married man, if that is what you want, of course.
I have seen this picture more than once: a girl starts a relationship with an older man, falls madly in love with him in the blink of an eye, and then, having learned the terrible truth, seeks support from her friends, but time passes, and she continues to play the role of a mistress in the relationship. And the longer she does this, the more difficult it will be for her to get out of this role.
Therefore, I hope that you opened this article for a reason, and after reading it, you will take real actions to get out of the role of a mistress. There are many options for distributing roles in the wife-husband-mistress triangle; in this article we will look at one of the most popular options. You can go straight from the content to step-by-step steps to get out of a relationship with a married man. But in order to guarantee this and never step on this rake again, first find out why you ended up in this relationship. To solve a problem, you need to know its roots. So, a relationship with a married man is advice from a psychologist.
- Step #1: Prioritize
Specialist doctors talk about some aspects of relationships with a married man
Psychologists have identified a number of reasons explaining why women agree to have a relationship with a married man. Let's look at some of them:
- One of the most common is low self-esteem or lack of self-confidence. A woman believes that she is unworthy of true and great love, so she agrees to be content with little. Often such women are driven by the fear of loneliness: “It’s better this way than to be completely alone.”
- A woman views a relationship with a married man as a short-term hobby while she is in search of a more suitable candidate for a long-term and strong relationship.
- Sexual dissatisfaction in marriage and problems with husbands push women to cheat. Not wanting to destroy the family, they take lovers. The choice often falls on those who already have a couple. After all, it is known that there are much fewer men, including free men, than women.
- Some ladies, who regard their beauty and youth as a commodity and dream of a luxurious life, meet with a married man as a sponsor. They exchange sex for material well-being.
- It also happens that women experience a feeling of love for an unfree man without any particular reason: without selfish interests and psychological trauma. Simply because they see them as the only and most worthy.
For all participants in the “love triangle,” such relationships become a real test. It's hard to say who is having the hardest time. A wife who knows about her husband’s infidelities and pretends that everything is fine. A man who feels guilty about two women. Or a mistress who is constantly in a state of anticipation, because his choice and final decision remains open for a long time: small children are sick, the wife cannot cope with teenagers herself, and so on. The family constantly needs him, and he obviously needs her, so a serious conversation with his wife is postponed day after day and year after year. What do psychologists advise a mistress about an affair with a married man?
Try to abstract yourself from the situation and be objective in order to evaluate it. First, decide what you expect from this relationship. The likelihood that he will leave the family is negligible. If you don’t need a husband, you really value your freedom and independence, and you’re not afraid of weekends and holidays spent alone, then you can continue to “dance the tango as a threesome.” If you dream of a family and having children together with your chosen one, your plans are probably not destined to come true. A man who does not break up with his wife during the first year of your relationship will most likely never do so. Stop living on his promises and believe in a happy “tomorrow” next to him.
The "game for three" is dangerous because it is very difficult to finish. A woman who has feelings for a man often becomes emotionally dependent. The thought that she is loved, that she is not alone, and the feeling of support give her intoxicating joy. The release of endorphins improves mood and gives positive emotions. Parting with a man in such a situation is also perceived as a lack of dose for a drug addict. To learn how to build healthy relationships, you need to understand the reason for this dependence in each specific case. It is important to be able to find the source of joy not in external manifestations, but within yourself. If you cannot cope with the problem on your own, you should seek support from a specialist.
Between friendship and love: the psychology of communicating with men
And along with this there is another thing. After all, you can really communicate with men without sexual moments, which greatly influence men. And you communicate with this person as a friend, as a comrade, as a colleague - do not cross this line. No flirting, light flirting, coquetry. And one day you may see that you have a friend.
What is real strong love? But it’s not just sex, not just common children. It's also friendship. And no one forbids this friendship between a man and a woman. When they are honest with each other and with their other halves: no one cheats on anyone. On the contrary, your circle of contacts is expanding: good relationships with people of the opposite sex appear.
And it greatly improves your life. Because everyone feels good when there are those who will help and support. Both in good times and in bad times. Man is not a solitary creature, he loves to communicate, he lives in a group, one way or another. And everyone feels good when this group is large, reliable, cheerful, successful, and so correct.
And as for friendship without sex, I myself did not understand this thing for a long time. After all, sometimes spiritual intimacy arises. When a good relationship develops into a truly great understanding of each other.
It is possible without sex. And this is not cheating on the person with whom you are already in such a sexual relationship. And there were times when I was very shy. I suddenly had this feeling of unity with another person of the opposite sex. Not sexy. You just suddenly realize that the person is very disposed towards me and you towards him - such a mutual good attitude.
Why do married people have a girlfriend on the side?
The first step in such a relationship is usually made by the man. It all starts with an affair. Only after time does the girl find out that he already has a family.
Why does a man go looking for adventure on the side? There are a number of reasons for this:
- They are influenced by stereotypes that have developed in society. A perverted idea of moral values and disrespect for family lead wealthy men to the vicious path of adultery. Thus, the “director-secretary” relationship arises not because of sublime love, but because it is so convenient for him and he can afford it, and she benefits from his patronage.
- Hidden complexes and unresolved psycho-emotional problems force a man to constantly assert himself. If victories in other areas of life are beyond his means, he will do it in the market of love relationships, proving his relevance and worth, first of all, to himself.
- He is unhappy in his marriage. The fire of former love has gone out, everyday problems have shaken the foundation of the family, problems in relationships with the spouse, lack of mutual understanding. Due to frequent scandals, a feeling of dissatisfaction and irritation increases. A man is looking for a “safe haven” where he will be “nursed and warmed up.”
- His wife no longer inspires him, he lacks passion in bed. Household chores and work take a lot of strength and energy from a woman, so in the evening, unlike a man who is not burdened with household chores, she collapses. Their sexual needs do not coincide, and he seeks satisfaction on the side.
- Having lived with his wife for more than one year, he reads her like an open book. He lacks new sensations, sharpness, and intrigue. This happens when a woman stops winning over a man and doesn’t feel the desire to please him. She is deeply mistaken, believing that she has fulfilled her mission, got married and can now relax.
How to end a novel correctly
If the relationship causes nothing but suffering, then something needs to be done. To come to terms with the current state of things means to adapt to the situation. Losing self-respect, a woman cannot be the one for her chosen one for whom he wants to move mountains.
A love relationship with a married person must be ended calmly, but with firm intention. You can’t doubt, let him convince you. You should carefully prepare for the conversation, think through all possible phrases and responses to painful remarks.
Benefits of an extramarital affair
Some women deliberately enter into a relationship with a “ringed” man:
- For young women pursuing a career and lacking time for family, such relationships can be useful. They will help you gain the necessary experience of communicating with a man.
- If you don’t yet want a long-term relationship with a man, this option may be convenient for you: freedom in the presence of a permanent partner for intimacy.
- If a man “went to the left” because he was “stuck” by everyday life, a romantic relationship awaits you: flowers, sweets, gifts, restaurants. You will not be burdened with its “maintenance”: cooking, washing, ironing, and so on.
- If his problem is sex, you will have it of high quality and variety. With you, he will make up for everything that he lacks in marriage.
- Some married women take lovers to assert themselves. This way they not only get a thrill, but also confirm their attractiveness.
- There is a lot of drive and novelty in a forbidden relationship. If you lack adrenaline, then this is what you need.
When it really becomes stupid to hold back
One woman shared her own experience. She worked together with a man who was such a fine fellow. He, as befits a man, fought for a just cause, and she supported him and helped him in this. They had very strong, powerful friendships. Together they did one thing successfully and efficiently.
He had a family, he had children. And she was not married. She says: “Well, of course I scammed him.” And later this man left his second family too. Someone took him away again. And that woman’s mistake was that there was simply no need to allow sexual relations into their powerful friendship. Those. don't cross this line.
In these relationships, a man is often somewhat weak. And here, of course, the woman has a very big role in ensuring that she competently builds a relationship with him. And this woman will be rewarded: she will be truly honest with herself and with other people - she will be a Person with a Capital P, and this is very good.
And in the end, she will find her man. Just launch your artillery, turn it on all the time when you see a single man who is not busy. And everything will be wonderful. Make him a true friend - become friends with him. Well, the bed will be a wonderful addition for both of you.
And now you have it all started, started spinning - great J And be happy! And let no one be able to destroy your union. Continue to communicate with this person and be a true friend to him.
Negative aspects of the “three-player game”
- It's difficult to share the man you love with another woman. A burning feeling of jealousy incinerates you from the inside, causing a lot of suffering and pain.
- Dates only at your home or in deserted places, lack of opportunity to spend an evening in the company of mutual friends for fear of being declassified. This can keep you in constant tension.
- You spend holidays, including New Year and your birthday, alone or, at best, in the company of girlfriends. If he comes, it won't be for long.
- The interests of his family are always more important to him than you. With a phone call, he is ready to run there across the city at any time of the day.
- You cannot count on his care and support. This is the prerogative of the family. For you – sex and a little communication.
- Forget the expression “stable, promising relationship.” Your romance could end at any moment. He already has stability and perspective. So why would he complicate things and start over?
Don't expect a ring
Millions of married men cheat, but only a few break up with their often very normal wives for the sake of their mistresses. Don’t flatter yourself: not everyone, even the most ardent lover, will decide to exchange an awl for soap, an established way of life for the unknown. If everything is relatively good at home, children are growing up, your relationship is just a fleeting affair , after which another may follow, and then another. A little adrenaline, a little entertainment and... well, don’t marry every lover for the sake of a little adventure!
How to maintain a relationship with a married man?
In order to date a married man and build a relationship with him, women often turn to a psychologist for advice. After all, being in a state of anticipation of his visit, affection, attention, divorce is very tiring. It turns out that there are certain rules that can tell you how to behave with a married man in order to maintain a connection with your lover.
- In this regard, intimacy occupies a central position. Therefore, “I don’t want to today” and “I have a headache” are phrases that are taboo. Your appearance should make him want you. To create an attractive picture, use your full arsenal: a stylish hairstyle, discreet but competent makeup that will indicate every facial feature, clothing that matches the meeting place. Forget about your hair tied in a bun and your washed robe. He has enough of this at home too. Your appearance should eloquently tell him that you are always ready to meet him. To do this, show your imagination, experiment with your images: today you are the embodiment of gullibility and purity, and tomorrow – of unbridled sexual energy and passion. Don’t go to extremes: too bright makeup and vulgar clothes can turn him off. Don't rely on just one intimate relationship. He will not leave his wife just because you are better than her in bed.
- An important aspect of your relationship is communication. It should be the basis of mutual understanding. Be interested in the events of his life, work, hobbies. The latter should become your hobby too. Does he like cars? Visit car shows and races together. Are you interested in fishing? Take him to a specialty store. Beforehand, you can read something about fishing gear to surprise him with your knowledge. This is necessary because if your relationship is based only on sex, it will quickly become obsolete. Common interests will help you find topics for conversation. They will bring you closer and strengthen your spiritual connection. When communicating, show him your affection: with an attentive sparkling look, a sincere smile, and touches. He will feel your sympathy, and he will be pleased.
- Flirt with him. Give compliments periodically, noting the best traits of his character, good taste, manifested in the successful selection of a wardrobe, his actions and achievements in the profession. Your words must come from the heart, otherwise falsehood may hurt his pride.
- Do not try to completely occupy his personal space or limit his freedom. Let a man think that he is “a cat that walks by itself.” Otherwise, you risk becoming like a grumpy wife.
- Keep the intrigue in your relationship. He should value you and be afraid of losing you. Disappear periodically from his field of vision, sometimes without any explanation. It is permissible for a mistress to behave this way, because a man spends his time with his family without asking your permission. Therefore, you may well not involve him in your plans. If your lover has a hot temper, and such behavior will complicate your relationship, inform him with a short message about your upcoming departure out of town with friends or a visit to relatives in the village.
- Don't be simple-minded. Don’t reveal all your secrets to him, don’t tell him about your shortcomings. Try to come across as a confident woman who knows what she wants. Then he will respect you.
- Don't take the position of a victim. Don’t cry to him about your fate, don’t burden him with problems. He doesn't have to deal with them for you. And don't let him use you as a "vest." Lovers need each other to have a pleasant time.
- Don't criticize him, don't point out his shortcomings, don't make comments. Men don't like this.
- Do not speak unflatteringly about your wife in his presence. This is his prerogative, not yours. When communicating, do not try to emphasize that you are somehow better than her. He himself must come to this conviction.
- Pressure on him from your side, constant demands for a divorce, hysterics and scandals will not speed up the process. Your constant dissatisfaction will only cause his negativity. If you want to continue the relationship, be patient and take a wait-and-see approach.
- Don't be intrusive. Don't call several times a day, don't look for meetings. Otherwise, he will understand that you are in his complete power and will quickly lose interest in you.
- Don't advertise your relationship. Don't tell even your closest friend about them. If there is a quarrel between you, she can use this information to spite you.
Pros and cons of such relationships
The psychology of relationships between a married man and a married woman includes both positive and negative aspects. They must be taken into account if such an alliance already exists. Among the advantages, it is worth noting freedom of movement, lack of responsibilities, constant gifts and attention.
The disadvantages include loneliness, lack of rights to a loved one, and the inability to openly express feelings. As a rule, at first it is interesting to communicate and enjoy each other's company. But the more time passes, the more such connections become more and more burdensome. They are seen as hopeless, devoid of color and a future together.
Will he leave his wife?
Mistresses quite often hear stories from their lovers about how they have to suffer and suffer next to unworthy and worthless wives. However, they are in no hurry to leave the family. Why is this happening?
- It is convenient for a man to “sit on two chairs.” At home, he is surrounded by the care and attention of his wife, who does not suspect anything or has resigned herself to the situation. The mistress constantly expresses her sympathy for him. He receives emotions, positivity, warmth from her.
- “Habit has been given to us from above; it is a substitute for happiness,” asserted the famous classic. At home, everything is familiar and familiar to a man: an established life, family holidays, mutual friends. Here he knows his area of responsibility. Another thing is a new family. Fear of the unknown and laziness prevent him from destroying his comfort zone.
- He is a good father and does not leave because of his children, because he truly loves them, values their peace and happiness. He is afraid of hurting them, especially at a time when they so need his care and support.
- He does not want to exchange his wife for his mistress, because he does not see the point in it. It is impossible to live as a guest in a family. Living together is always associated with solving problems, which entails a clarification of relationships. The mistress will address him with the same claims and demands that the wife is now making.
- A man does not see his mistress as the mistress of the house and the mother of his children. It’s only comfortable to spend your leisure time with her.
Only a small percentage of men leave the family. In order for him to decide to take this step, your love must be strong, strong, real. In reality this is rare. Most often, a man uses his mistress as an outlet, without having the feelings for her that he talks about. If a man sincerely wants to be with a woman, then the presence of children cannot prevent the breakup of the relationship. When there is no mutual understanding between father and mother, constant quarrels traumatize them more than the father's departure. In order to leave, you need to have great courage, inner core and fortitude. They will help you cope with feelings of guilt towards family members. In most cases, it turns out that the man is not ready to make such sacrifices, so such relationships are mostly unpromising. With the appearance of a mistress, divorce in the family is possible if it is initiated by the wife or if even before the start of the affair the marriage was cracking at the seams.
How to get out of a vicious circle
If the novel has outlived its usefulness, it needs to be completed as soon as possible. But there is an option to force a married lover to make the final choice. In this case, you need to first assess the consequences of removing a man from the family and weigh the pros and cons.
If you decide to break up, you should either abruptly stop communicating, or, if this is impossible due to circumstances, try to keep your distance. He will try to return the girl, but the ardor will gradually subside.
It’s better to be distracted by other areas of life: spend more time with friends and loved ones, concentrate on work, go on a trip. You shouldn't start a new romance after a breakup. You need to let the wound heal.
READ How to keep your lover close and become his main woman
Why is this happening
At what point does a woman decide that this man is the only one worth fighting for with her wife? A confident woman will not share a man with anyone. Why does this happen to women who are not confident in themselves? Fear goes hand in hand with a lack of faith in one’s own strength: the fear of being left alone, of being of no use to anyone, of being lonely.
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I remember the old Russian proverb “It’s not without fish and cancer is fish,” and a woman, in desperation, is ready to associate herself with anyone, just to save herself from the fear of loneliness. However, remember: what to do is up to you to decide, only you are responsible for your destiny and your happiness.
